Suave's Republique Cricket


Chakh De India

As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..

In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!

It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!

This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…

A quick review of the individual Indian performances…

Virender Sehwag.   One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.

Gautam Gambhir.  Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.

Rahul Dravid.  Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…

Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.

VVS Laxman.  Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder.  Nearly ready for the knackers yard!

Yuvraj Singh.  Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger.  Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.

M S Dhoni.  Fuck he’s got big balls.  Superb effort, oh motorcycle man.  If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..

H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India.  Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!

Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler.  How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..

Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.

Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch.  Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s.  Just didn’t look himself.  Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?



Harbajhan Singhing to Brett Lee!

Did you see what I did there.. Nice bit of word play Suave, I hear you saying.. Well thanks, anytime, you’re welcome etc…

One of many gifts I received for my birthday was the first series of Flight Of The Conchords.

If you haven’t seen it yet, you bloody well should do. It’s the finest thing in the world, and the greatest thing Kiwi’s have created since Sir Richard Hadlee.

If you’re a fan of The Mighty Boosh, you’ll love this. If you’re not a fan of The Mighty Boosh, or FOTC, then you need a lobotomy.

In one episode, Bret (along with Jemaine), is feeling down and body conscious, and needs a pick me up, so Jemaine writes him a song.

Myself, and the lovely Miriam were discussing this here…

Mims thought it would be wonderful if someone sang, “Bret, you’ve got it going on” to Brett Lee.

I recalled that Harbajhan Singh obviously likes Brett, as he spanked his arse lightly with a bat, during the 2nd test against Australia. As you all probably remember this started all the Teri Maki shenanigans, that went on and on and on and ariston….

So, Mims suggested I create a Facebook group, and I have done so..  It are here..

We’re trying to get the BCCI to punish Harbajhan Singh, by forcing him to Singh to Brett Lee.  If we can get a full Bollywood dance troupe, to join in, then even better.

The lyrics for the amusing ditty are shown below

Hey there Bret, I see you looking down.
Don’t want to see my little buddy there with a frown.
Just because I get more women than you, well that’s only because they don’t know you like I do.
Sure, you’re weedy and kind of shy.
But some girlie out there must be needy for a weedy, shy guy.
They want you as the needle when they’re rolling in the hay.
Just hear me out when I say…

Bret, you got it going on.
The ladies will get to know your sexuality when they get to know your personality.
I said, Bret, you got it going on.
Not in a gay way, just in a “hey mate, I wanted to say that you’re looking okay, mate.”
Why can’t a heterosexual guy,
Tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly.

Not all the time, obviously, just when he’s got a problem with his self esteem.
Don’t let anybody tell you you’re not humpable.
Because you’re bumpable.
Well, I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
If I say you’ve got a boom ow-ow.
Come on Bret, help me out now.

Bret, you got it going on.
(You got it going on!)
That’s the conclusion that I’ve come to.
But that doesn’t mean that I want to bum you.
Bret, you got it going on.
(Got it going on…)
No doubt about it, we’d be gettin crazy.
If one of us was lucky enough to be born a lady.

If one of us was a lady, and I was your man, if I was your man.
Well, sometimes it gets lonely, and I need a woman.
And then I imagine you with some bosoms.
In fact, one time when we were touring and I was really lonely.
And we were sharing that twin room in the hotel.
I put a wig on you, when you were sleeping, I put a wig on you.
Oh, ohhh, oooooh, oh, and I just laid there and spooned you.

Bret, you got it going on. 

So join me, cricket loving brethren & sistren, and we shall create the greatest musical apology in history!!



CB Series Finals- India Win!!!

The final CB Series thundered to a climax this week. I say “thundered”, I mean “trundled”. And I say “climax”, but I mean “sorry conclusion”.

India have won the second final, after another classy knock from Sachin pushed the game just beyond ‘Straya’s reach!

look mummy, i hitted past the monkey!

Gilchrist retired with a splutter, scoring just the 2.

Hogg retired even more meekly, by being dropped.  Fat tongued twat

HairWeave Ponting, will just be glad to see the back of the Indians, after enduring a terrible summer against them.

Praveen Kumar had another good game today, taking 4-46 .

Symonds gets down to some man-love!

Andrew Symonds, who is a bell end of considerable magnitude, decided to get fruity with a spectator.  Unfortunately, he didn’t fuck himself up, a la Terry Alderman, who dislocated a shoulder taking down a streaker.

He also fell to his best mate Bhaji for the second game in a row.  In one Harbajhan over, he removed both Hayden(run-out) and Symonds (LBW).

I ran myself out, as I’d heard there were orphans hanging around the car park, and I was hungry!

Hayden, what can I say about this man, that I haven’t said before?  After the debacle of offering to fight a 19yr old praying mantis,  he has shown himself to be a poltroon (my new favourite word) and a great big swaggering chump!

Is it any wonder, that CA administracrats want to get rid of the tri-series ODI’s.  They’ve lost the last two, after winning all the warm up games comfortably.

Let’s raise a glass, and sing CHAK DE INDIA!



Back and bad.

Je suis retourné.

There has been a fair bit to talk about over the weekend.

Much that has been covered by my peers..

Jason “Dizzy” Gillespie has retired from Australian cricket.

By retired, I mean forced out.

The ICL is evil, as we all know now. Any player who signs up, is the Anti-Christ, and deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Dizzy will have an eternity being smashed all around the ground, by the worst batsmen in history. (reminds me of 2005)

Shane Bond will break down injured, and have to continue bowling for ever and ever. Never getting any one out, and continually getting more and more fucked up.

Lou Vincent, will find the true meaning of depression, when the devil spends eternity depressing his big size 10 into Vincent’s knackers.

Two rotten fuckers from Safferland, have broken the world record for highest opening partnership.
They did it by smashing small boys into a pulp, for kicks.

India beat Australia, in the first final of the second most tedious CB series in history (The England winning last year, was a million times worse).

Harbajhan Singh has been accused of molesting every Australian in history’s mother, and on mothering sunday too. The bastard.
It’s also been claimed that he’s impregnated every Australian woman, thereby cuckolding all ‘Strayan men.
This is making the ‘Strayan public at large, relatively unhappy.

Ryan Sidebottom & Paul Collingwood have both been declared fit, ahead of the 1st Test vs New Zealand.
A nice piece from my good friend SportsFreak, discusses the merits of both teams.

An update of my own will be coming shortly.



World News Today

I’m gonna smash you up, behind the bikesheds, ya flamin drongo!

Matthew Hayden is still a bear like, orphan eating fuck head. He called Harbajhan Singh an “obnoxious little weed”, and then offered a gangly 19yr old to a boxing match.. ooh, tough guy! Proper school bully like, that.

“I don’t like what you said to me, so I’m gonna biff you up”.

What happened to “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD”

God bothering twat.

And please, can we all stop complaining about sledging. It’s part of the game, and always will be.

Do as Michael Vaughan did, in 2005. Ricky Ponting was sledging him as he came in to bat, and he retorted “Who the fuck do you think you are, Steve Waugh”. It shut him up, and they moved on.

King Cricket summed up the situation rather nicely, I thought.

This is a quote so beautiful, we couldn’t believe our eyes when we first read it. It’s BCCI secretary Niranjan Shah in response to Ishant Sharma’s fine for aggressive behaviour and it’s so good it’s getting a paragraph of its own and appearing in italics.

“Basically the Australian players are starting the whole thing.”

‘But they started it.’ Has there ever been a stronger defense than that. That ALWAYS works, doesn’t it?

During the next match, we fully expect Ricky Ponting to fire his finger into the air when Australia are in the field and shout ‘TELLING’, before marching off to find a figure of authority.

Andrew Strauss looks as though he’ll play in the first test against New Zealand, after proving that he’s in the form of his life, by scoring 4 from 25.
I can only hope that he fails against the Dunedin XI, and the selectors finally realise he’s FUCKING SHIT!!!!

I’m feeling the rage today, so there’s every chance I’ll go postal, with Geoff Miller. Geoff Miller will be talking to people in the third person, through a wired jaw, if Strauss does play.

Bradley Hogg has retired, which means that I will no longer have to put up with that fucking retarded tongue, haunting my dreams.

How on earth could a woman have sex with a man that leaves his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth, every time he does anything that requires effort.

Here endeth the rant.



Symonds Vs Bhajji part MCMXXVI
January 29, 2008, 9:44 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Andrew Symonds

I am not a monkey, I am a killing machine!

Harbajhan Singh

I like big butts and I can’t deny!

One looks like he kills children for fun.

One looks like he has a dove of peace in his hand. (Probably why he was cleared!)

The only way to resolve all of this, is for the boys to meet in the car park for a scrap.

I know where I’m putting my money, how about you?



The real reason India lost in Sydney.
January 28, 2008, 11:26 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

It seems to be a day of new evidence appearing.

First, Channel 9 come up with new stump microphone evidence.

India make a statement, refusing to admit that evidence, which seems about the guiltiest response there is!

And then, http://sportsfreak.co.nz passes on a newly released image, sent via bottle over the Tasmanian sea.  All very hush hush, you understand..

Look, Morgan Freeman plays for Australia!