Suave's Republique Cricket


The Ashes 2009, First test, six word review

Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews.  Australia to come this afternoon.

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.



De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!



Alastair Cook in “I can play in pyjamas” shocker.

Cook, Broad & Anderson Naked

Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.

Alastair Cook opens the innings.

Then it all gets weird.

He scored lots, and quickly.  What the fuck is going on?  I fear the end is nigh children.  Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.

80 from 56 balls.  QUE?!

Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly.  I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.

Why does he not do it more?  Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag..   I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.



ODI Team Of The Year 2008

Gautham Gambhir

Top run scorer, firenghi lookalike, allround 2008 superstar.

Virender Sehwag

Again, if you disagree, I will come down on you harder than the Spanish Inquisition!

Younis Khan

Averaged 54, with a strike rate of 94.  Top batting against subcontinental superstars this year.

Kevin Pietersen

Captained The England to a magnificent series win against South Africa, whilst smashing them everywhere.  Is about the only player in The England who can actually play botf formats of the game.

Yuvraj Singh

Annoying prick.  Destroyer of The England.  Averaged 108 against us.  Useful left arm filth too.

MS Dhoni (Wk) Capt.

Winner.  Of.  The.  World.

Andrew Flintoff

Along with Pietersen, mangled South Africa.  Averaged 50 with the bat, and 21 with the ball in 2008.  That is stunningly good.

Stuart Broad

Breakthrough year for Ricky Schroder, took 32 wickets at 25 and averages over 20 with the bat.  A good solid no 8.

Nathan Bracken

Consistently Australia’s best ODI bowler. 31 wickets at 18.  If only he didn’t look like a fucking girl.

Sohail Tanvir

Brilliant in all short forms of the game.  Bowls off the wrong foot, weird windmill action, and looks like an actionman.

Ajantha Mendis

What can you say about a man who took 48 wickets at 10.16.  Just freakishly good.  He’ll get worked out soon, and that average will rise, but don’t expect it to rise too much.  This boy has a world of talent.

12th Man

Muttiah Muralitharan

Probably the only year in the last 10 that this fella didn’t make it into my side.  But if it was a spinning track, I’d go with two spinners, and he’d be second choice.



Own up, you pervert!
November 27, 2008, 4:56 pm
Filed under: Misdirection | Tags: ,

Come on, who searched for this?  Whomsoever you are, this is for you!

Stuart Broad shows his cock!

Stuart Broad shows his cock!

BIG COCK

BIG COCK



You winning bastards
August 26, 2008, 6:29 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.

How very dare they have a perfect ODI.  Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down.  Dirty The English Bastards!

Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit.   What a performance.  Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick.  Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end.  I’d rather not face that me sen.

The other massive positive was Matt Prior.  His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made).  To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that.  Top job foreign wanky wicky.

My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though.  Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over.  Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!

I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry.  Today’s game, however  has made the sun shine brightly.  I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers.  Life is good.  It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing;  by flowing, I mean trickling.  A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.

A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 😉

Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.



Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!