Suave's Republique Cricket

Things that I hate today.

IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage.  I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.

Matthew Hayden.  This goes without saying.

Greame Smith.  For wanting to be Hayden.

Steve Harmison.  For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.

Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.

Jimmy Anderson.  For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.

Stuart Broad.  For believing his own hype.

Monty Panesar.  For being a starfish.

The England Selectors.  For not picking Adil Rashid.

The England Middle Order.  For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.

Mark Ramprakash.  Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!

Who’s Idea Was That?
May 14, 2008, 12:39 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Those retards in the selection comittee have gone for Jimmy Anderson over Matthew Hoggard.

Selection is supposed to be based on your last performance.  That’s why Hoggy was dropped, yet they chose the shithead, I can’t bowl more than one good session consecutively, pretty boy, tossbag, Jimmy Anderson.

Fucking hell, his last test was a shocker.  Vaughany wouldn’t even throw him the ball, Collingwood was first change.  How shit do you have to bowl, that colly get’s first change?

VERY!  That’s how shit.

I’m fucking angry at this, as you can probably tell.

Bastard Anderson better bowl out of his skin or I’ll find him and decapitate him.  His head will be found floating down the Regents Canal.

Rant over

Flintoff must play

What's that?  It's your chances of ever being The England captain disappearing

I don’t fucking care if this man can’t bat for shit any more.

Put him at anywhere in the last four if needs be, but he should play for The England.

I’ll tell you why.

He’s the best fast bowler in the country.

Justin Langer in his latest BBC column had this to say about the fella.

Only last week I padded up against Lancashire in the County Championship for Somerset and I can say first hand that Flintoff is absolutely ready to be picked for the first Test against New Zealand.

One of the joys of retiring from international cricket was knowing that I wouldn’t be peppered by the world’s best fast bowlers ever again.

This in mind, I was shocked at the ferocity of the Flintoff onslaught at Old Trafford.

As I kept saying to him, I could have understood if I was batting with Matthew Hayden and wearing a green Australia helmet with a kangaroo and emu embroidered on the front.

Instead, I was in a red Somerset helmet with Marcus Trescothick partnering me, so if I was ever in for a reprieve from England’s best fast bowler then surely that would have been the time.

History will suggest this couldn’t have been further from the truth.

For about an hour I could have been in the boxing ring with Joe Calzaghe and by the end of it I had literally copped a hammering.

My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!

Both Marcus and I agreed his spell was one of the great ones either of us had ever faced and while it was ugly – and at times intimidating – it is what we miss about playing international cricket on its toughest days.

This is one seriously good bowler.

Given the choice between Anderson & Flintoff, who would you pick? Between Hoggard & Flintoff, or Broad & Flintoff?

My bowling attack would look like this.

Flintoff, Rashid, Broad, Sidebottom. Or maybe Panesar for Rashid (we’ll see how he does against the Lions).

That’s a lot of batting. Flintoff and Rashid are excellent all-rounders, and Broad & Sidebottom can be relied upon to hold a bat.

Come on Mooresy, you know you want it.

What to do about Fred?

Do I come back as the worlds best all-rounder, or a medium pace trundler, shit arse batsman?!

Andrew Flintoff, one time worlds best all-rounder, is playing in UAE at the moment.  He’s stated that his aim is being selected for the first test against NZ at Lords on 15th May.

The problem with Fred at present, is that’s he’s too inconsistent with the bat, to be a number six, and he’s too injury prone to be a full time third seamer.

If he gets overs under his belt, and is still taking wickets at pace, and a decent amount of time in the middle for Lancashire, then he should be welcomed back into the side.

Who does he replace though?

There is a strong argument to get rid of one of the under-performing top six, with many shit arses to choose from.

Cook is a knobhead, who can’t bash NZ trundlers.  Although his youth should preserve him for the moment

Vaughan was fucking awful with the bat, and only has this next series to save his place.  Dominic Cork is already talking about him being replaced.  But then Corky always has been a rent-a-quote.

Struass still shouldn’t be overlooked, despite his career best 177.  As they say, one swallow doth not a summer make!

Collingwood has the fight and character, without the technique of say Bell, but he can be called on to bowl a bit, is a great fighter, and manages playing with the tail beautifully.

Bell needs to have a good hard look at himself.  He’s a wimp, who probably lacks self-esteem, which is why he can’t seem to impose himself on the opposition.  He was probably smacked about a bit at school, for being small and ginger (not that I agree with this).   He needs to develop a bit more of the old Napolean syndrome, like punter Ponting.

Or, do we go for a bowler.

At present, you’d have to say it can only be Jimmy Anderson who’s place is in real jeopardy after his hit and miss career.

He’s brilliant at times and pigshit for the rest of it..

This however, only appears to be a solution, if Fred can come back to full bowling capabilities.  There’s also the chance that Hoggard or A N Other will have taken Jimmy’s place by the time the first test is here.

Personally, I would leave Fred out of the equation until SA turn up to play.  That will give him the best chance to regain his batting form, get the overs necessary to prove that he can hack bowling for five days, and once again become the saviour of The English Cricket.


Oh I say!  What would HM say about that…

Alastair Cook had a good old time before the start of last season, when he got the opportunity to paint naked ladies.

He then had to pose for photos, which must have been a real pain in the arse..

Spanking shot, cooky!

William Wales’ Girlfriend used to be in the same rowing group, called the Saucy Sisterhood.

Two maidens, well bowled!

Obviously as leader of the Suave republic, I can’t abide the royalty, but if you’re going to be king, why not get yourself a wife who belonged to the saucy sisterhood?!

It appears that there is sharp increase in the number of people searching for Alastair Cook naked (I did a little investigation, and he’s very popular in the gay community, along with Simon Jones).

Please do stop it now.. This is a suave, sweary, illiterate cricket blog.

In other news, Matthew Hoggard is feeling slightly aggrieved after being dropped for the second test. Especially since this is the first time he’s been dropped since Sri Lanka 2003. He was also upset that his family had flown 26hrs to see him play, and all they got to see was him carrying the drinks. Oops.. Should have been a bit fitter sunshine!

Something I’m sure surprises absolutely no-one next. Andre Nel has NOT been recalled to the South Africa squad to tour India. Charl Langeveldt’s replacement will be Monde Zondeki.

It surprises me that Zondeki wasn’t chosen over Langeveldt in the first place, having taken 60 odd wickets at an average of 19 this winter (summer in the southern hemisphere). But the political machinations in South Africa continue. As a test match bowler he’s unproven, and though he has an average of 27. something, if you take Zimbabwe out, it shoots up to 45.

I can’t see Andre Nel playing for South Africa again, after this. With the big money on offer to become a Kolpak player in the UK, or a baddie for the ICL, the temptation to leave behind a regime that has right royally fucked him over would be too big.

If I was a county chairman, I’d be on the phone to Andre straight away!

Good on “The England”
March 12, 2008, 9:44 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , ,

Harmison and Hoggard have both been dropped for the second test.  This is brilliant.

I’m not a huge fan of Jimmy Anderson, as you may have learned.   However, I really do think there needs to be a culling, after a performance as abject as the first test.

The two models will provide a bit of hunger to the bowling line up, and can’t be any worse than the two H’s. (I look forward to having this rammed back down my throat, when they prove to be just as shit).

Unfortunately, there is no change to the batting line up.

Shah continues to upset people, by his very presence.  He’s got to have been caught fucking one of the selectors wives, cos the boy has done nothing wrong, yet keeps being overlooked.

I would have dropped Strauss myself.  Collingwood shouldn’t be too far from the chopping block either, after scoring 2 off 50 balls.

The good news for The England, is that the pitch looks like a green top, which should suit our batting and bowling line up.

Let’s hope that we get a decent start, and can finally apply some pressure to the Kiwis, instead of wilting like a bunch of old flowers.

I love you guys. For I have removed hatred from my heart.

So, my next prediction is that New Zealand will win this test. (a bit of reverse nostradamusing there). As every prediction I’ve made about this test is wrong, I trust this one will be too.

On to more pressing matters.

The England, are a beautiful bunch of guys.

They are in no way a big bunch of useless C*nts, that I’d like to smash into the ground with a pile driver.

Especially not Stephen J Harmison. He’s the one I love most. He’s not a useless halfwit, who deserves to be put down.

And I’m, not going to get medieval on the Yeoman, who seems to have turned into the worst bowler in world cricket over night. He’s returned to the 2003 ashes tour form, that saw him smashed every where.

Not going to hulk smash the montser for only taking 1/101. I know he contained well, going for less than 3 an over, but I am in no way suggesting he be dropped for the home tests, and to bring in young buck.

I really don’t fancy chopping Alastair Cook into little pieces, and feeding him to sharks with lasers. No sireee.

I don’t want to murder you and your family, in a particularly violent way. I’m all about the love!

The people who are in my goodish books at present, are Kevin Pieterson. About time he used his offspin to good effect.

Pietersen                   55.5   14    141      4 (2nb)

These figures were against The England in 1999/2000, he got the wickets of Atherton, Hussain, Vaughan & Chris Adams.

He’s no mug with the ball, and I’m not sure why they don’ t use him more.

Oxymoron is also there, for taking 4 wickets, and keeping the run rate down, whilst all his fast bowling colleagues bowled pies.

Colly, for not wobbling, and taking two important wickets.

And Vaughan, but only for his batting. He looked bereft of ideas when in the field and got lucky with KP & Colly.

A word about New Zealand…

Ross Taylor’s innings was sublime.. Some absolutely dreamy cover and square drives.

Vettori was magnificent also, and should have got a 100, the way he lofted Panesar over long on, was beautiful. He’s averaging over 60 this year in test cricket. Not bad for a number 8!!

Remember, I’m all peace and love.

So there will be no hacking the lads in my “I’m disappointed with you” list to bits with a machete.

Not on your nelly!