Suave's Republique Cricket

Thank You ‘Strayan Selectors.
Symonds crying like a baby.

Symonds crying like a baby.

If there’s one fella The England didn’t want to have to face this year, for The Ashes, it was Andrew Symonds.

We hate him, because he’s good.   He loves to smash a Pom.

In the last ashes series, Symonds came good in test match cricket.  The England had fuck all on the board, in the 4th test, and Australia started their 1st innings, trying to get an imposing lead.  Suddenly Freddie fired up, and The England had Australia at 83/5.  In came Symonds, and along with OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, destroyed The England.  They put on 279 at over 4rpo, and destroyed any hopes of gettting a consolation win.

So we salute you ‘Strayan administracats, for sending the ginger in his place.

Suave is Watching you Poop.
January 19, 2009, 11:11 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

As I’m too busy to do owt like, I thought I’d pass these beauties on for you.. After visiting Watching You Poop, I thought I’d do a little one or two for you kids, just to let you know that Suave is always watching, even if he can’t always find the angry times.

He's got his eyes on your toilet habits!

He's got his eyes on your toilet habits!

He is all seeing!

He is all seeing!

I've got my eye on you sunshine!

I've got my eye on you sunshine!

Straya are shit!
Strayan conquerers!

Strayan conquerers!

It’s official.  Australia are now only average as a cricketing side..  They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father.  It hurts kids, but get used to it!   This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many.  They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them.  They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well.   He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection.  Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee.  Shoot the damn dog.  Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria.  Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future.  I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa.   Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.


After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!

Have that you slags!
See how we slay all before us!

See how we slay all before us!

Have that you fuckers!!

After correctly predicting that Australia were piss-weak pansies (for those who don’t recall, it’s here.)

The Saffers proved how strong they are mentally, to defeat the Aussies, and chasing 414 in the fourth innings.   This is the second highest run chase of all time.  Pretty fucking good I’d say.

This brings me to Ricky Ponting.   Here’s some stuff others have written about the hairy little cockstick.  Jrod from the ever brilliant Cricket With Balls had this to say  “Excuse me Ricky“.

Also, take a look over at Beer & Sport, where Moses is in the mood for  a fight too!

What a prize cunt!

Firstly, he blamed the pitch.  Boo fucking hoo, the pitch was rubbish eh..  How come them dirty saffers could take 20 wickets on it?  Prick.

  • Maybe it’s picking two blokes with little or no first class experience, then putting them in against the two best sides in world cricket.  You’re honestly surprised that these fella’s didn’t bowl teams out?!  Fuck off dicksuck.
  • Maybe it’s because Brett Lee is weeping himself to sleep because his ex-wife is rooting someone with a bigger cock.  (I reckon your wife is too!)
  • Maybe it’s because you’re the worst captain in world cricket, and you’re finally being shown up for the half wit you really are.

All I can say is, there ain’t much love out there for you kid, so watch your back.. Know what I mean!

We are the angry mob.

Matthew Hayden: Great flat-footed grizzly bear. As Charlie Brooker once said Spirituality’ is what cretins have in place of imagination. That sums the oaf up perfectly.

Peter Moores: Stop fucking smiling you buck toothed twat. Glass half full bollocks, you win this series, then smile. Until then I want a miserable bastard, who looks like he’s going to set fire to the next batsman not to score a ton, or bowler to take a five fer.

Match Fixing: THere’s no way on earth that Chennai Pikey Fags should have lost yesterday. Some fucker’s fixed that.

Michael Vaughan: Smug twat. I could understand being so smug if your average was near the fatheadflattrackbully’s. BUT IT’S NOT!! YOU AVERAGE 42.96! Fucking hell man, and it drops since you’ve been skipper.

Ian Bell. You’re ginger, now fucking live with it. No-one believes that you’re strawberry blond, you Miserable molecule of mildew

Ian Chappell: What a boring rent-a-quote prick.

Ricky Ponting: The real reason you didn’t wear your baggy greens in the tour match, was because you were paid more for not wearing it. SToP fucking lying.

Dimitri Mascheranas: Oh you honourable c*nt. You’ll stay with your contracted county, where you’re the CLUB CAPTAIN, by the way. Instead of sitting in a dug out in India. Oh god bless you, dear child! You shit house fuckwit.

Things that I hate today.

IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage.  I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.

Matthew Hayden.  This goes without saying.

Greame Smith.  For wanting to be Hayden.

Steve Harmison.  For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.

Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.

Jimmy Anderson.  For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.

Stuart Broad.  For believing his own hype.

Monty Panesar.  For being a starfish.

The England Selectors.  For not picking Adil Rashid.

The England Middle Order.  For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.

Mark Ramprakash.  Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!

Fathead fails a fitness test


In the nicest bit of news I’ve heard in days, FatheadFlatTrackBully aka BearlikeOrphanEatingFuckHead aka Matthew Hayden, is unlikely to play in the first test at Sabina Park versus the West Indies, due to achilles tendon knack. 

Wankchops picked this injury up whoring himself for the Chennai Pikey’s Fags, in the IPL.  Serves him right, the odious twAT.

As you can probably tell, I’m back from mountain climbing (knacked from it too), so will crank up the work rate, whilst I can, as I’m also job hunting.

Love to all, except FatHead.