Suave's Republique Cricket

Jimmy Fucking Anderson
Fuck me the boy's got good!!

Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!

Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed.  Not necessarily for the better to be fair.

I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.

I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.

This is perturbing.

Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser.  Well some of us.  By us,  I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.

I now believe we have a good opening bowler.

This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.

That my friends, is fucking dangerous.

He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009.   Pretty good figures them.

But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket).  Let’s look at his averages again.

Since 2006/7 Ashes.

Series Average Strike Rate
Aus v Eng



Eng v Ind



Eng v SL



NZ v Eng



Eng v NZ



Eng v SA



Ind v Eng



WI v Eng



Eng v WI












Still not good enough I’m afraid..

Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle.  He doesn’t compare.

I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.

Jimmy’s not there yet.  I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.

It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).

That’ll be the true test of his character.

So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.

Happy ‘Straya Day!
January 26, 2009, 10:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , , , , ,
You're shit and you know you are etc...

You're shit and you know you are etc...

This hasn’t been the best start to a summer for ‘Straya, has it boys and girls?

Beaten in India, beaten in the test series by South Africa, and now beaten in a home ODI series by the Saffers again (they haven’t won the major home ODI series for three years now!) .

This my friends is fucking fantastic.  The rest of the world are pointing at you, and laughing like Nelson.

This is how us mere mortals feel most of the time.

So where did it all go wrong?

To be honest every where.  The commentators on Channel 9, were discussing the Allan Border Medal, which is coming up soon, and were trying to think who could win the medal.

Michael Clarke and Mitchell Johnson were the only two names they could come up.  How often does that happen, when the most biased commentary team in world cricket, struggles to think of more than two players to win the awards.

They’ve got no spinner.  They’ve only got one quality quick, with a couple of emerging ones.  The top order has been terrible in both forms of the game.

If I was a selector, I’d have Ricky Ponting back to the ranks and pick someone who can actually captain a side, without having to have a management conference every three balls.

Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 4.30am.


Test Team Of The Year 2008

Greame Smith.

This should be obvious.  Scored shitloads of runs, is the best 4th innings batsman in world cricket.  If you had a run chase, you’d want this man in there.

Virender Sehwag.

Is the leader of the Church Of Sehwagology, and no more needs to be said.  Any that disagree on this selection, get burned at the stake like the witches they are!

Gautham Gambhir

Averaged over 70 for the year.   Was not out under 55mins once this year.  Scored at a clip of at least 3 rpo in every innings.

Kevin Pietersen

This was a tough choice.  It was either KP or Sachin.  Sachin’s probably appeared in a billion others top test team, so I went with KP.  KP averaged a couple of points higher, scored about 50 runs less, it was that close.  KP gets it, for being more innovative.  That switch hit, is a thing of beauty.

Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Lord Megachief of Gold averages 105 for the last two years.  More difficult to get out, than bloodstains on a fresh white carpet.  Is part of the holy trinity too, so you burn, if you disagree.

M S Dhoni (Wk) Captain

Dhoni, is actually the worst wicket keeper out of the top five sides.   Boucher, Haddin & McCullum all had more dismissals than him.  Even wanky wicky Ambrose has a higher percentage of dismissals per innings.  So as a keeper, he’s a bit shite.   But…  The boy’s got balls of steel, can bat beautifully, and is a marvellous captain.  So for that reason, he’s in.

Andrew Flintoff

He get’s the all-rounder nod, because I love him, and want his children.  The 10 deliveries that scared shitless, Jacques Kallis, one of the worlds best batsman, at Edgbaston should be enough.

Dale Steyn

74 wickets at 20.  Fast, accurate and strangely for a South African, humble and pleasant.

Mitchell Johnson

Is easily the best bowler in Australia, and was second highest wicket taker in world cricket this year.  If he can learn to swing the ball at his pace, he will be unplayable.

Ryan Sidebottom

Easily forgotten, since his injuries, but was amazing all winter, and most of early summer.  He picked up 47 wickets in 8 test matches at an average of 20.2, that my friends is quality bowling.   The boy can swing it too.  Let’s hope that the bad back sorts itself out, and that he’s firing for The England again soon.

Ajantha Mendis

Because he’s a freak.  Because he’s Splendid Mendis, and as he’s part of the Holy Trinity of The Church Of Sehwagology, you have to have him in the side.

12th Man.

I’ve gone for Hashim Amla.  So improved this year.  Was a lovely batsman to watch.

So there you have it.  Suave’s suavest XI.  You can disagree if you like, just add your comments.

Remember though, if you do disagree, I will have to hulk smash you!

Much love.

Straya are shit!
Strayan conquerers!

Strayan conquerers!

It’s official.  Australia are now only average as a cricketing side..  They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father.  It hurts kids, but get used to it!   This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many.  They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them.  They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well.   He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection.  Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee.  Shoot the damn dog.  Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria.  Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future.  I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa.   Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.


After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!

Mitchell Johnson is fucking good?!
December 18, 2008, 10:52 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , ,

When the fuck did that happen?

He’s turned into a cracking bowler, working players out, pace over a 150 clicks.

Fucking hell, I’m not sure I like this.

The tongue pierced tossbag looks like taking a wicket every ball!   5-2-5-5, in this spell.

Stupid piss brained Saffers.  Always bottle it when the pressure’s on.

Australia v West Indies, 2nd Test review.

Indepth Player analysis.


Phil Jacques.  OMG he;s like so shit in the field and like had to hide from some other blokes shit long hops all match, and thing.

Simon Katich.  he looks like a crab and things, and he got hurt and stuff.

Ricky Ponting.  LOL, where’s that hair from, looks like he picked it up off the road and stuff. ROFL

Michael Clarke.  He’s so fit and that.

Mike Hussey.  God all I did was sleep when i saw this old bloke.  He’s like so boring and that.  Fuckoff grand dad

Andrew Symonds.  He looks like predator LMAO.  He’s scary like a bear

Brad Haddin.  ROFL, looks a bit like some ovvver bloke that used to bend down and things.

Brett Lee.  Gay, wants to design pants for teenage boys, ROFL.  Call the coPS

Mitchell Johnson.  big teeth xxxLMAOxxx Shit.

Stuart Clark.  BORIng.  Sent ME TO sleep and shit, and all that other stuff

West Indies

Xavier Marshall.  OMG looks nice, and fly.  Shoots to soon.

Devon Smith.  UGLY! Fuckoff uglyboy.

Ramnaresh Sarwan.  He’s like cute and thing, gets a bit crazy but goes all the way LOL xxx.x.xx

Runako Morton.  You gonna get raped.  OMG HE@S SHITa and scary N that,

Shivnarine “Lord Megachief Of Gold” Chanderpaul.  he looks like that strayan bloke, but is millions better and things

Dwayne Bravo.  all blinged up and no place to go, ROFL.

Denesh Ramdin.  Cute, Shit, but Cute.

Darren Sammy.  OMG he could be good, but isn’t really and stuff

Jerome Taylor.  Good, bad and ugly LMAOxxx ROFL<

Daren Powell.  Shit

Fidel Edwards. You never guess WHAT, he’s like really quick and stuff, but he misses too much LOL

West Indies v Australia, day 5. oBo has stopped, as i’m bored.

Australia have declared, and set the Windies a target of 372 to win. There is 98 overs left in this match.

Windies will need to score at around 3.7 overs to win, and the Aussies obviously need to take 10wickets.

I like the fact, that the ‘strayans have opened the bowling with Clark. Positive that. The bucktoothed left arm twat, is fucking rubbish, and should be put out to pasture.

Will McGill finish his test career on a high? Fifth day pitch, playing a team with little or no confidence, should be easy as pie for him. Unfortunately, he only bowls pies now.

I’m going with a win for ‘straya.

First wicket down already, Smith has gone without troubling the scorer. Brett Lee properly worked him over!

Brett Lee is now giving Marshall the working over.. Greate short ball, and he has a little dig. Marshall plays a beautiful back foot defence next ball. He’s got a couple of bruises, and he’s just had a big shout, that no one else went up with.. Off the elbow though, so Marshall survives.

Sarwan now, facing Clark. Smash, cut shot behind square, and no-one’s moved.

OOOh he nearly had Sarwan there, the pitch looks as though it’s got a bit of uneven bounce now!

12-1 now.. And it’ll be Sarwan to face Brett Lee.

Good short ball, Sarwan gets out of the way nicely. Short leg, short cover in place.

Bit fuller, No Ball, Sarwan pushes that through covers for two.

Big slash over slips for four there. He looks like he meant that.. Just a bit of bat, and no third man.

Sarwan has a baseball attempt there, no run.

Good length, Defended to point.

Another nice delivery, defended to mid-off.

Solid from both men for the last delivery.


Extravagant leave for Marshall, against Clark. Very KP/Punter.

Dodgy looking drive, bit of inside edge there.. was aiming for mid off, ended up at a shortish mid-wicket

Good delivery, wideish, and Marshall has a swish an d miss..

nice length, well defended back to the bowler.

Another extravagant leave..

Nice over from Clark. Maiden,


I lied, it’s Michael Clarke to have a go at Sarwan, who looks like he’s up for it. Bit of a surprise this!

Two solid deliveries first up

Good line and length, pushed into the covers.

Flighted nicely and defended off the toe

Next one is defended off the inside edge.



Clark to continue..

Drives with a flourish, but straight to mid-off.

Marshall’s gone.. A great delivery there, shortish, and extra bounce off the handle, and that’s out!


In comes the Stabby McStab Stab Runako Morton. Won;t be long before we see Lord Megachief of gold..

Nice ball, Morton Stabs it back to the bowler.

Oops lost pictures now.. Bastard Sky.

Now I have to listen to the Retard that is Ian Harvey. FUCK OFF!

Pictures back, and it’s 20/2

Weirdness all round.

Clarkey continues. Which is weird when you’ve got McGill & Jonhson in the wings.

Here comes the bucktoothed one.

Nice delivery, Forward defensive, pushed into the ground.

Straight bat, forward, stroked back down the pitch.

Smacked to covers for none.

On leg, nudged square for 1..

Forward defensive, solid.

Bit wide that one, left well alone.


Greg Blewett and Ian Bishop on.

Wide, Smashed away squRE FOR TWO.

Wide down leg, swept to fine leg for two..

smashed at Symonds at silly mid something..

Banged away sqaure for three.. Sarwan’s looking good.

Played to leg for none.

Full toss, smashed to the long on boundary. 11 runs from that one..


Smashed to mid-off for one.

Defended to extra cover, and a quick single is taken.

beautiful shot, on the front foot and driven thru covers.

nice line, straight and quick, and Sarwan defends back to the bowler.

Slashed again, and ONLY JUST over the slips.. FOur.

square drive, no run.


Clarke to continue…

Nice flighted delivery, defended back to him

Trys the same, but it’s a wasted ful toss.

Defended nicely behind square on the legside, and a quick single is taken.

played to square leg for two.. Tight one, but made well by Sarwan.

Driven to the point boundary for one.

Good delivery flighted and defended back..


Johnson again.

single from a leg side nudge.

defended, off the outside edge, no run.

good line by Johnson, just outside off-stump. Windies scoring a decent clip now.

on the front foot, defends to the cover region.

The word ‘month’ doesn’t rhyme with any other word, my researchers tell me. Intriguing. Unlike the cricket being played here.

Shortish ball just outside off stump which is watchfully defended to the off side of the pitch.

Full on the leg and middle stump line. Flicked through behind square for two..


Here comes McGill, will it be a fairytale ending?

shit. No run

full toss. badly played by Sarwan

shit half volley, one run

shit half volley, no run

same again.

shit. No run, padded away outside off.


Johnson continues, and I can’t! It’s hard work this shit, and the nipper is back!