Suave's Republique Cricket

New Zealand – Still Shit!

Iain O’Brien in his blog yesterday said, There is a quote that goes, “you are sure of three things in life, taxes, death and runs at Adelaide.” Yet New Zealand made 203 all out, and Brendan McCullum scored 83no of those runs.

What the fuck were the rest of the team doing?  This is a pitch that Michael Clarke scored a century on, without one of his higher order players scoring a century before him, which is so rare, it’s like a blue moon, and a pitch that Brad Haddin scores a century on?  Rubbish, absolute shite.

I’ve read in a few pieces today, that Jamie How was unlucky, as Punter pulled off an absolute blinder to remove him, but that’s bollocks,  if he middled it, it wouldn’t have been caught, know what I mean friend!

That sort of wisdom is what makes me such a cricketing superpower.

Also, Brett Lee took five wickets, and at the moment you’ve got to be absolute cocking shit for that halfwit to take ONE wicket, let alone five!

So I reckon we’ll be seeing the Kiwis back at the bottom of the original test match team league after that shocker.

We now have the exciting prospect of a proper bit of competition, with South Africa due to play the first test against Australia on the 17th December.  Now that will be a test…

In summary, Australia look ordinary, New Zealand look shit.

Stupid Kiwi Administracats
September 29, 2008, 11:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Now kids, you’ve signed a new deal with sportswear manufacturers Canterbury for a new kit and kaboodle.

You look to your squad of players, and think “who would look good in this, and model this kit to it’s best”.

I know that most of my lovely lady readers would pick Daniel Vettori, maybe Brendan McCullum as a bit of rough?

I don’t know, I understand less about womens minds than I do global economics, and complex Belgian politics.

Shit, Uh'm a fucking ugly son of a bitch!

They're SuperMegaFugly's with a bastard arsehole twist

But Scott Styris, fucking hell, he looks like he comes from a very small gene pool.

Chris Martin’s not too bad, but surely they could have come up with two better looking fella’s than that?!

Stupid Kiwis

Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?

Six word reviews. The England vs New Zealand

After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.

I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand

The England

Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?

Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)

Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.

Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?

Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.

Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.

Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.

Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.

Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.

Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling

Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.

The Old Zealand 

Matthew Bell:  miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.

Jamie How:   How indeed?  better in ODI’s, shit.

Stephen Fleming:  Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.

Matthew Sinclair:  Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please

Ross Taylor:  Did well, will get found out.

Grant Elliot:  If test quality, god help us.

Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.

Daniel Vettori:  Used to Bowl, now a batsman.

Tim Southee:  Buck toothed young buck comes good.

Jeetan Patel:  Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.

Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.

Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka

Blimmin nora, The England have won a test match overseas!

This image recreates itself, every other test, it seems…  Good old Sidey!

Hark, The England have won a test match overseas.  The haven’t done that in two years, the last against India at Mumbai..

Michael Vaughan hasn’t won a test match abroad, since the last test in South Africa in 2005.

At that time, The Englands test record read “Played 15, Won 13, Lost 1, Drawn 1”.  We were rightly, the second ranked side in the world, and went on to produce an ashes winning summer, that captured all of our hearts.

But fuck that shit..

That was yonks ago.  I was childless then.  I was crazy then.  I was nearly fired from my job for not doing any work for the summer.

This was a very good test match, played on a great test wicket.

Daniel Vettori was moaning about the pitch, and saying he was disappointed that it was still doing things for the bowlers on day four.

Piss off nancy boy..  That’s what a test wicket should do!!  Just because you haven’t got a top order that knows how to play a moving ball.

The high points for The England

Tim Ambrose.  For this first innings 100.  This took the game away from New Zealand, and gave us a well above par first innings score.

Paul Collingwood.  65 & 59, taking 3/23 in the first innings, and fighting hard against the wind for 8 overs yesterday.  A great all round performance.

Ryan Sidebottom.  I just want to kiss him, in a manly way, for hours upon end.  Oxymoron is teh king.

James Anderson.  I know i’ve ballsed on him before, but the boy showed what he can do when he’s hungry.  His bowling in the first innings was superb.  Second innings was good, but he was into the wind this time, and rattling with pills.

The high points for NZ

Jacob Oram.   He took 6/100 from 49 overs.  That my friends is frugal.

Brendan McCullum.  110 runs in the test match.  Has consistently looked NZ’s most dangerous batsmen.

Ross Taylor.  The boy wasn’t far behind McCullum, with 108 runs in the match.  Is looking like a very good player, and needs to be moved up the order for the next test match.  Should be no4, and will take the no3 spot, I would say, when Fleming retires.

Low Points

The catching.  The Kiwis were poor, and The England weren’t much better to be honest.  Unusually Paul Collingwood and Brendan McCullum were the biggest culprits.

Mark Gillespie.  His fielding is appalling, he can’t bat, and he bowls half trackers or half volleys.

Monty Panesar.  As bad in the field as Angry Man Gillespie.

Jacob Oram’s batting.  He’s lucky he’s bowling so well at the moment, because he’s averaging 12 with the bat.  No-one is mentioning this, but it needs to be highlighted.  As a batting all-rounder, he should be scoring a lot more runs.

Strauss, Vaughan & Pietersen’s batting.  Three out of our top four are averaging less than 30.  One of these three should be dropped for the next test.   It won’t happen, but it should.  Vaughan’s not going to go, as he’s the skipper.  Pietersen shouldn’t go YET…  Strauss is next in line.  He looked better in our second innings than he has for a while, but he needs to do something magical in Napier, or he’s on the scrap heap.

And the biggest low point of them all goes too…..

Matthew Bell.  Wow!  He looked like he was dancing in the crease, whenever a ball was delivered. The only reason he managed to eke out 29 runs, was because he wasn’t good enough to edge anything…   It’s a sorry state of affairs, if this is your best opening batsman.

Honours even? No; bollocks are they, The England For The Win!

I really hope that headline doesn’t come to bite me on the arse!!

After a proper piece of cricket journalism, for the preview yesterday, don’t expect anything like that today!

A late night, made even later by a screaming child an hour after I eventually got to sleep, has left my brain as mush.

It started badly for The England, with no wickets while the ball was swinging.

Not that they bowled poorly, more the pitch was lifeless.

How and Bell started very slowly, but after seven overs, picked up the pace. They had soon put on 40 for the opening partnership. which while not exactly setting the world alight, is eight higher than NZ’s average opening pair.

On came Gormless, and showed why he was once considered to be the worlds finest bowler..

His second over went a little something like this..

A slowish ball (at this stage, all he had was slow, slower or slowest), on the stumps and defended

A slow, over-pitched shocker which was rightly smashed to the cover boundary

A rank wide long hop, that was smashed up and over slips, to the third man boundary

Then came the piece de resistance: A rubbish wide delivery, that was too full, and lacked pace. Bell however had got his eye in, and was seeing the glory. He chased at it, with little or no foot movement, and slashed it straight to Cook at gully.

After that he returned to his normal greatness.

Oxymoron Sidebottom had a very good day, taking 2-39 and going for less than 2 an over.

The best moment of the day, was seeing Fleming looking incredulously, as his slash through the gully region, was picked out of nowhere by Eyeliner boy himself, FEC Alastair Cook.

A stunning catch, and a great day all round in the field for Cooky.. Three catches, two of which, were absolute corkers.

Collingwood had a good day also, taking 1/16, with a great caught & bowled. He followed this up with a sharp slip catch, to get rid of Sinclair off Panesar.

Hoggard has upset me today, the yeoman, so steady and reliable. was spanked around for nearly five an over. In the same number of overs as Sideshow bob, he went for nearly 60 runs more.

Come on the Hoggster, don’t join my “I’m a little disappointed with you” list, it’s no place to be, i can tell you!

New Zealand really should have done better. How, started brightly, and should have got a century, McCullum should have reigned himself in a little.

The plus points for NZ are that Taylor & Vettori are both in, and this will give them a chance to go on to post a decent total.

But I’m in it for the win it.

Prediction for todays play

The England, to bowl ’em out early, and put themselves in to a strong first innings position.

The England, in “We’re shit in pyjamas” shocker.

Oh fucking joy.

I woke up in a foul mood this morning, for no apparent reason.

I now have a reason.

The England have once again proved themselves to be utter shit on a stick at one day cricket.

Yes, we won two series in a row, against India & Sri Lanka, but those memories have disappeared quicker than Lord Lucan riding upon Shergar.

A half decent start, before the rain break. The England had reached 85-2, and then had one of those lovely mid-90’s batting collapses, that we remember so fondly, and were all out for 158.

Alastair Cook was the only fella that looked like getting any runs, until Ravi Fucking Bopara went and kiboshed that, by running him out.

Silly colly fuckwad

Three more run-outs. How fucking village is that.

I play a shit standard of cricket, and I’ve never played in a match where we’ve had three run-outs. Especially not two games in a row!


Difficult pitch, I hear you say.

No it fucking wasn’t

Badonkadonk Ryder and McCullum smashed 165 in 109 balls. That my learned friends, is a belter.

I don’t mind losing. What I do mind is losing so fucking aimlessly. You silly utter fuckwads.

Rant over.

Move along.

Nothing to see.