Suave's Republique Cricket

De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

The England Lions replaced by replicants.

Robert Key, was yesterday replaced by an evil replicant.  Unfortunately for those that made the trip to The Rose Bowl, Hampshireshire, the evil replicant was no match for the real super Rob, as it failed to get the ball off the square all morning.  The real robert sir robert, would have flayed them to all parts, whilst laughing maniacally!  HA HAA, BRING ME MORE PIES!  He might have said.

For a look at the real reasons for his dismissals, have a look at Kingy Cricketings here..

Michael Carberry also seems to have been replaced, with a lesser version of himself.  But seriously, who cares?  Not me, that’s who, and as I am all-powerful leader of the republic, I have a lot of say around these parts!

The Lions crawled, and when I say crawled, I don’t mean baby speed crawling, I mean bloke with broken leg, dragging himself down a fucking mountain, after nearly dying, crawling, to 48-0 at Lunch.

In the next session, they lost 5-40, and appeared to be on their way to a miserable little total, until Luke Wright decided to get medieval on their arses!

Yes, the little fella went batshit and scored 120 at a strike rate of 91, to put them up to a decent 280.

Hopefully, we’ll see the real Rob Key back today, directing the troops in the only way he knows.  MAGNIFICENTLY!!

Steve Kirby. First class nutter.

I'm a gonna git ya suckah!

Steve Kirby is a first class nutjob. He would cause a fight in an empty room, and he’s on a similar level to Andre Nel. I like the fella, he’s got spunk, he’s got gusto, and he would run in all day for you as a skipper..

He’s played a fair bit of cricket this winter, going to India with The England Lions, where he average 24.10 and took 10 wickets. He then had a run out for the MCC against Sussex, and bowled superbly (in bowler friendly conditions), which should leave him in good stead (although Luke Wright knocking him out, might hurt a bit).

I mention the fiery ginger quick, because of something he said recently.

“It is such a lovely tonic to see Ryan Sidebottom doing so well. He has proved over three or four seasons in county cricket that if you do take wickets, you are noticed,” said Gloucestershire seamer Kirby. “From a personal point of view, he has shown the way which has given players like myself and others in domestic cricket a lot of encouragement.”

I like his attitude, and I like that he looks like he’d eat your mother for tea, if you don’t get the fuck out sharpish. Which is what fast bowling really should be about!

Blimey O’Reilly, that was a bit of fun.. 360° of fun!

The England kept me up to the early hours today, with a cracking batting performance.

340-6 off 50 overs, was pretty good, but being a The England fan, there’s always a doubt in your mind..

One only has to cast their mind back to this Whupping, to see what I’m talking about..

Mustard looked “hot”, FEC Cook, was cooking with gas.. Then on came badonkadonk, and it was two wickets in two balls!

I was listening to commentary, and had decided Mark Richardson was a smart fella. His synopsis, just prior to those wickets falling, was that if Mustard went first, FIGJAM should come in next, and if Cook went, Bell should come in..

Bell & Cook, bat like test match batsmen when they’re together, yet both open up, with a more attacking player at the other end.

The decision was taken out of their hands, by Ryders wiley dibbly-dobbly’s. The ball that got Cook was pretty clever. He rolled those fat fingers down the seam, and cook was already through the shot, as it took his leg stump…

Bell & Pieterson came out firing, and looked good. Both lads scoring at over a run a ball. Bell though, got himself out to pretty boy O’Brien’s first ball of his second session, which was a little stupid.

Then out strode Captain Colly, to smite the Kiwi’s into the main stand. The Probot, has gone absolutely mental in the last two matches, socring 124 runs off 80 balls, and ending not out, both times. He’s averaging 68.5 for the series so far..

Luke Wright, also provided a decent little cameo towards the end..

Unfortunately, my digital TV provider, decided that right before the first ball was to be bowled in the Kiwi’s innings, they would shutdown.

Which was rather unfortunate. I must say.

Alas, I retired to my boudouir, and expected to wake up to a resounding The England win.

Wrong again, dear Suave!!

It seems I’ve missed the second half of an absolute cracker… Tied ODI’s don’t happen very often, and The England always like to get into the record books for the wrong reasons..

Well done to Jamie How, on a what appears to be a cracking knock. I can’t comment too much, as I never saw it. But anyone with that name, has got to be a cracking fella, great cricketer, and is probably a fair bit suave too..

The last thing to go through my mind, before going to bed, was imagining Colly’s teamtalk.

“Right lads, you’ve just seen what me and the boys have done to their medium-fast bowlers, bowling back of length. Let’s not make the same mistakes, eh! I want you to bowl tight lines, and keep it full and straight. That’s how they got our lads, so no short stuff.

My dreams were full of quick full deliveries, smashing stumps, as the Kiwi’s slogged across the line.

Damn dreams, they rarely come true.

Admittedly, if they had, I would have been in the crowd, having long, loving intercourse with Kate Winslet, whilst The England bowled out the Kiwi’s for 148.

Back to sleep for me I reckon..

Jimmy Anderson, seems to have bowled like a twat AGAIN!! This fella gets my bile duct twitching like a 6am erection.

87 runs off 10 overs, is putting him in the Liam Plunkett, Sajid Mahmood category. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!

Flimstar Broad, bowled a little better, taking 2 wickets, but still went for 75 runs.

Little Luke Wright, who looks like Shane Watson’s smaller brother, had a blinder with the last over. How did he bowl? Full and straight.


A weekend of wonderment.

A few things happened over the weekend (I very rarely touch t’internet, as I don’t get paid for it over that precious time!)

Kiwi’s lulling us into a false sense of security!

It appears my Hulk Smash predictions, have already come to bite me on the arse (and a rather suave arse it is, if I do say so myself).

New Zealand bowled The England out for a measly 130. Ace Shah, involved in all three run outs. Cook coming in for Luke Wright and being a bit shit. Bopara came in for the Sri Aussie superstar, and stayed true to his recent form, by being absolutely shit. The long hop he smacked to a fielder, would have been smashed out of the park, if he was wearing his Essex pyjamas..

Ian Bell had the following to say, in his column in The Independent.

“But hats off to the Black Caps. They went into the match under enormous pressure and they responded really well. They bowled superbly straight on the drop-in pitch and fielded like tigers. We suffered three run-outs, which typified our efforts on the day a bit.

It shouldn’t have happened, but in our defence I’d make the point about the peculiarity of New Zealand grounds. Many of them are primarily rugby stadiums – for which purpose they were built – which makes for some odd pitch placements and boundary perimeters.

It also means there is no conventional square so that a ball, struck from a drop-in pitch, is effectively travelling over a rugby pitch, softer, springier turf making the ball hold up.”

Which translates as…

We were shit, they were good, but it’s them bloody rugby stadiums wot done it. we wuz scared Jonah Lomu was going to come and sack us.

Wing Commander Andrew Strauss

Had another shocker, scoring 10 before losing his wicket, to the truly amazing, bestest bowler in the universe, Iain O’Brien.  That boy is good (and in true Coming to America style), Good and terrible!

Australia vs India, MCG.

A game took place at the MCG yesterday too, which was played on a pitch, that seemed to be made of treacle. How is it that King Probot managed to score 65 no, whilst no one else seemed to be able to hit it off the square. Maybe this is what makes him one of the top ODI players in world cricket? He looks average at all times, yet scores lots on really shit pitches.. Stranger things have happened at sea.

Ishant Sharma, at his mark, ready to deliver a rising ball to the shoulder of YOUR bat!

Ishant Sharma had a cracking game, with 4-38, which would have been much better had he not been smashed for 18 off one over.  Super bowling from the young fella, he was pitching just short of a good length, and really getting it to lift.  Ponting was fending just under his chin, and it still took the shoulder of the bat.

I remember when Stephen Harmison used to be able to do that.

Let’s hope that Sri Lanka can raise their game, and make this CB series as interesting as it looks on paper.