Suave's Republique Cricket

Things that I hate today.

IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage.  I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.

Matthew Hayden.  This goes without saying.

Greame Smith.  For wanting to be Hayden.

Steve Harmison.  For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.

Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.

Jimmy Anderson.  For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.

Stuart Broad.  For believing his own hype.

Monty Panesar.  For being a starfish.

The England Selectors.  For not picking Adil Rashid.

The England Middle Order.  For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.

Mark Ramprakash.  Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!

Robert Key, Robert Key, opened up for Kent;

Rob Key Gets a lazy lob on for Kiwi bowlers

Robert Key, Robert Key, all knew what this meant;
Did he get out?
Was there any doubt?
Front foot clout;
Back foot clout;
Rob’s not out.

The Major Key (thanks to Miriam for this…), King Cricket’s favourite person, in the entire world (he’s close to being mine too), yesterday took the Kiwi bowlers to the sword. Not literally, you understand, metal bats were banned after that old fella Dennis Lillee got arsey.

He clubbed the hapless Kiwis for 178 not out. This now means he’s completed a hat-trick of hundreds against them. “This sort of kick-started my summer four years ago, so it’s a good omen,” said Key.

Sir Robert Of Kentington Key also had this to say..

“Sometimes you have teams as a batter and fortunately at the moment the New Zealanders seem to cop it.”

When asked what his chances of getting back into The England setup were, he said thus…

“There are a few guys scoring runs at the moment,” he said. “Ravi Bopara is getting a hundred most times he walks to the wicket, and Owais Shah is a fine player. A lot depends on what they need. If they need an opener, then I’ll go ahead, if it’s a No. 3, then maybe Owais [Shah], if they need someone to bowl a little bit, maybe Ravi [Bopara] … If they need an old bloke they’ve got Ramps.”

On present form, I’d have Key opening the batting with Strauss. Cook and Vaughan look awful at the minute. Right hand/left hand combo, both in touch, Ravi would replace Vaughan, with Bell at three.


News just in, Robert Key has been selected as captain of The England Lions, as he’s obviously a god.

That is all.

Telegraph Fantasy Cricket.

Suave’s Republique has a side in place for this years fantasy cricket..

I’ve also signed up to Third Umpire’s Superleague. Third Umpire is another The English blog, which is written by nice chaps, not like the sweary fucker who writes this old pony..

My team and the reasons behind the selection, should you care, is as follows.

Michael Di Venuto. Scored a gazillion runs last year, just as most Aussies seem to in county cricket

Will Jefferson. Cos he’s a freak, and he used to play for Essex. King Cricket also loves him a lot.

Mark Ramprakash. Scored over 2000 runs in two seasons, and was my best performer by miles.

Ian Bell. If he continues in the form he showed last summer, should score eleventythousand runs this year.

Jason Gallian. He plays for Essex now, and averages about 40, which is OK. He was cheap too.

Adil Rashid. It was a tough choice between the young buck and Ryan Ten Doeschate, but I ended up picking Rashid. He’s had a great winter touring with the hedgehogs, and should get better as he gets fitter. Also, I was looking a little heavy on the Essex side, and we’re going to be shit this year.

James Foster. Plays for Essex, averages over 40, good hands. Scored his first double century last year.

Saqlain Mushtaq. You’ll notice that there’s a lot of spinners in my side, that’s cos they always take the most wickets in county cricket. Saqlain should do well at the Oval.

Dirk Nannes. I’ve picked him on the back of the man love shown by Jrod @ Cricket With Balls.
If he can carry on the form shown for Victoria, during the winter, he’ll rip county sides apart.

Mushtaq Ahmed. Took 90 wickets last year. Might take a few less this season, but still far and away the best spinner in county cricket

James Harris. Young (17) Glamorgan quick, bats quite well too. took 33 wickets at 24 in his first season, with best match figures of 12/118, highest score of 87no.

Preview of my two favourite county sides, 2008.

As a Basildon boy, my no1 county, is and always will be The Mighty Essex (not really been that mighty of late). As a Londoner now, I get to watch more of Surrey. So I’ve decided to do a little preview of the two sides that I’ll be following.

ESSEX (2007 – County Championship: 4th, Division Two; Pro 40: 9th, Division One, relegated; FP Trophy: Semi-finalists; Twenty20: Group losers)

Captain: Mark Pettini

Coach: Paul Grayson

Overseas players: Danish Kaneria (Pakistan)

Ins: C Wright, D Masters (Leicestershire), J Gallian (Nottinghamshire), T Westley

Outs: D Thomas, R Irani, A McGarry, A Bichel

One to watch: Ryan Ten Doeschate.

Don’t I look like Cesc Fabregas!

Averaging over 50 in first class cricket, this season really could be the one to push the dutchman (by Dutch, I mean Evil Saffer) into the upper echelons of county cricket. Likes to hit the ball, and when he does, he hits big! He’s also a handy bowler, although he only averages 40 in FC with the ball, in one day cricket he excels, with an average of under 20.


Don’t eat yellow snow.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t expect to see much silverware in the Essex Trophy cabinet at the end of the season. Mark Pettini, since taking over the captaincy has turned into the worst batsman in the team (maybe marginally better than Kaneria), and could really do with finding some form, sharpish. Kaneria as ever, will twirl away taking wickets for fun, whilst being supported by nobody, on a flat deck in Chelmsford (Please groundsman, give it a bit of juice this year!). It’s a shocker of a team this year to be honest, the batting line up has been given a bit of a boost with Jason Gallian who averages nearly 40, but it’s likely that we won’t be seeing young master Cook down at the county ground this season.

If Ravi avoids being picked by The England, then he will hopefully continue in the fine form that saw him average over 60 in the championship last year.

SURREY (2007 – County Championship: 4th, Division One; Pro 40: 4th, Division Two; FP Trophy: 5th, South Conference; Twenty20: Group losers)

Captain: Mark Butcher

Coach: Alan Butcher

Overseas players: Matt Nicholson (Australia)

Ins: U Afzaal (Northamptonshire), P Collins, S Meaker, S Mushtaq (Sussex), Murtaza Hussain (Worcestershire)

Outs: M Akram, R Clarke (Derbyshire), N Doshi (Derbyshire), R Hamilton-Brown (Sussex), A Mahmood (Kent), I Salisbury (Warwickshire)

One to watch: Chris Jordan.

An excellent start to his Surrey career last year, with 20 wickets in five matches, which for an 18 year old young buck, is pretty bloody good.

If he kicks on this season, there’ll be some dog-fight, to see who can secure his international services. He’s a Barbadian by birth, but holds a British passport, and it’ll be interesting to see where he goes.


A proper suit should fit the shoulders snugly, be tapered in at the waist, and make you look smarter than you are, and must always be accompanied by quality shoes.

Surrey should be much more settled this season. The batting line up has been bolstered with the acquisition of Afzaal. Tanya Aldred @ Cricinfo had this to say about Afzaals fielding “His talents don’t extend to the field where he most resembles a bear at an aerobics class”. Nice description. They’ll be looking to Ramps to perform his heroics of the last two seasons, and bat like the county behemoth we all know and love. Chris Jordan should add some spice to undercooked bowling unit.

I would expect Surrey to be challenging for the title, with Sussex and Lancashire, although the pitch rarely does anyone a favour.