Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Cricket, England, Greame Swann, james anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Monty Panesar, Nathan Hauritz, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad
Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews. Australia to come this afternoon.
Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.
Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.
Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove
Look at me, stupid ego cunt.
Gritty street fighter, better than spinners
looks OK, no smashing just yet.
Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.
Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!
Worse than Hauritz. One funny fucker.
Batting supremo. Pitch it up, wanker!
Too quick, no variation, soon gone.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, BCCI, Chakh De India, Charlie Brooker, Cricket, ECB, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Greame Swann, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Little master, mahendra Singh Dhoni, Matt Prior, Mohali, Monty Panesar, MS Dhoni, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Steve Harmison, The England, Virender Sehwag, Yuvraj Singh
One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.
Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil. You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!
Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips. How the fuck do you lose a game from that position? By being weak cunts, that’s how. I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.
I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.
Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on! All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.
Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard. Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.
Ian Bell. The Sherminator should be sherminated. Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.
Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt. Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30), and needs to learn, fast. I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.
Paul Collingwood. Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly. As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”. Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.
Andrew Flintoff. He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder. He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that. Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.
Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more. I’ll let him off for now.
Greame Swann. Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.
James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit. Grow some balls, or fuck off. You get the full suave smashing.
Steve Harmison. CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.
Monty Panesar. PRICK. PRICK. PRICK. Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.
India, here at La Republique, I salute you.
Chakh De India!
Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god. Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.
More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.