Suave's Republique Cricket

Have that you slags!
See how we slay all before us!

See how we slay all before us!

Have that you fuckers!!

After correctly predicting that Australia were piss-weak pansies (for those who don’t recall, it’s here.)

The Saffers proved how strong they are mentally, to defeat the Aussies, and chasing 414 in the fourth innings.   This is the second highest run chase of all time.  Pretty fucking good I’d say.

This brings me to Ricky Ponting.   Here’s some stuff others have written about the hairy little cockstick.  Jrod from the ever brilliant Cricket With Balls had this to say  “Excuse me Ricky“.

Also, take a look over at Beer & Sport, where Moses is in the mood for  a fight too!

What a prize cunt!

Firstly, he blamed the pitch.  Boo fucking hoo, the pitch was rubbish eh..  How come them dirty saffers could take 20 wickets on it?  Prick.

  • Maybe it’s picking two blokes with little or no first class experience, then putting them in against the two best sides in world cricket.  You’re honestly surprised that these fella’s didn’t bowl teams out?!  Fuck off dicksuck.
  • Maybe it’s because Brett Lee is weeping himself to sleep because his ex-wife is rooting someone with a bigger cock.  (I reckon your wife is too!)
  • Maybe it’s because you’re the worst captain in world cricket, and you’re finally being shown up for the half wit you really are.

All I can say is, there ain’t much love out there for you kid, so watch your back.. Know what I mean!

What’s that all about then?

Cor blimey guv, it’s all going off aint it.

Fucking bombs galore, hostages, and the terrists want us plucky Brits.

I can’t understand it?  It’s as if we’ve been fucking around in their region’s politics for hundreds of years, subjugating their subjects, and denouncing the whole of their religion as evil or summat.

Next you’ll be telling me that the French don’t like us?!

Lucky it’s not Pakistan, or no foreigner would ever step foot in the country again!   It’s OK though Lalit Modi, the evil genius, reckons we will be playing the test match series, and that’s that.  Based on his previous, I reckon the auld bastard knows a few coercien techniques.  So KP beware!!!

Also, they’ve cancelled the IPL & ICL, and the test series is on, so all that guff about the death of test cricket has just been turned on its head.  It’s the death of pointless 20/20 tournaments!  Huzzah!!

Enough bad news kids, Suavey’s home!

What the fuck is all this bollocks about a fitness race.  I keep seeing this headline (especially just now, with the Krezja/Hauritz selection dilemma), and it’s raised a few questions in Suave’s superhuman brainbox.

  • What is a fitness race?
  • How many people are involved in it, is it just Hauritz and Krezja?
  • What distance is it over?
  • Who holds the Worlds record?
  • What happens if the unfit guy happens to be quicker than the fit guy, even when injured?  Imagine a fitness race between a fit Eddo Brandes and an injured Jimmy Anderson….
  • Where does it take place, and can I watch it?  Also can I bet on it?
  • Why is the race between Krezja and Hauritz, when Marcus North is the best spinner in Sheffield Shield cricket this season.  The fact that North is averaging 53 with the bat, should probably give him some sort of mention in the selection meeting, no?
  • Surely a race is unfair on the bloke who’s injured?
  • What if having the race does the fella in again?  Until we know the specifics of the race, this is a distinct possibility I tells ya.

As always, I DEMAND ANSWERS ADMINISTRACATS.  Or journalists, as you knobbies keep using the phrase.

Lastly, go to Iain O’Briens blog, he’s a fucking genius.

Watch Out Melbourne

Jamish Singh Dorma, our Indian correspondent is on the case again, and brings news from the ‘Strayan camp.


In news that will shock just about no-one, Insane McGain’s reign of terror, is soon to be over.

The ‘Strayan quack has decided that his shoulder knack will not be fixed in time, so will be sent on the next flight home.

If you’ve got a flight booked from India to Australia in the next day or two, beware because McGain is a loose cannon.

No Australian has scared the Indian public (and the strayan squad) quite so much as McGain, and not since Gregory David Roberts terrorised Mumbai, have they been so happy to see a Strayan go home.

McGain’s son maybe the only one who can restore him to Nice Bryce, but according to our Strayan correspondent, Bruce, he’s loving the notoriety of having a psyhcotic father.  His young son is now rampaging around his school like Mark “Chopper” Read, and stealing school lunch money to get spin lessons from Terry Jenner.

The plot thickens…

The ACB selection panel are due to arrive in India during the 2nd day of the 1st test, and will surely discuss their spin options.  Currently on tour Crazy Eyes Krezja, has just been spanked like a naughty child at a boarding school, so the ACB will be looking at other options.  Bruce our Strayan correspondent has heard through the grapevine that they’ll be looking for a like for like replacement of Insane McGain, so are due to call up either ‘Tiger’ Bill O’Reilly, or Clarrie Grimmett.

Insane McGain

From our Indian correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma.

News in that Nice Bryce has officially been renamed Insane McGain (courtesy of our female gossip correspondant Ceci Masters), due to his exceedingly strange behaviour of late.

New photographs show that Insane McGain is working his way through the Australian team scaring them half to death. 

Your wife's at home getting rogered by the milkman Rick, she loves a bald fella!

Your wife is getting rooted by the milkman Rick she loves a bald fella!

Here is laughing maniacally as he tells Fubsy Ponting that his missus is getting a good seeing too, by the local lothario milkman.

Stay still Katto and Insane McGain may think we are already dead!

Stay still Katto and Insane McGain may think we are already dead!

This is Jason Krezja and Simon Katich pretending to be dead, to escape the pure evil of oppugnent Insane McGain, if only these two could exuviate and hide somewhere else.

Jamish tried to question Insane McGain, but was sent away with his tail between his legs, after being vilipended by the crazy eyed, griseous, leg spinner.

In a strange way, Insane McGain seems to become more roborant and agrestic the more he taunts his team mates.

Will this be the way to enlightenment, will he become a demon spin bowler, or will he return to the mansuetude of Nice Bryce, only time will tell.

Poor auld Nice Bryce!

More news from our Indian correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma, regarding Nice Bryce.

As reported here exclusively yesterday, Nice Bryce has given himself shoulder knack by pulling too hard on the hand rail to get to the top of those bloody stairs.

He has been replaced by a young off-spinner by the name of Jason Krejza.   Luckily he has young bones that aren’t knacked by big climbs, so will be in the spinners berth come the first test.

Nice Bryce now has to convince the selectors, who arrive on the second day of the first test, that he is fit enough to remain in India.  If he can’t prove his fitness a replacement will be sent for.

Maybe it’ll be someone with their own hip?  Who knows..

Jamish posed a couple of questions to Nice Bryce, and an edited transcript appears below…

Jamish:  So Nice Bryce, how are you feeling?

Nice Bryce:  What do you think you flaming gallah, I’m miserable as sin.  It’s only a year since I had the accident with the bath, and needed a hip replacement (luckily Victoria arranged for one of those bath seats, so that shouldn’t happen again), now i’ve got shoulder knack. 

Jamish:  Sorry to hear that NB, any tips for the young offie Jason Krezja?

Nice Bryce:  Yeah, watch your back sunshine, we wouldn’t want anything untoward to happen during the rest of the tour now would we?!!!  HAAA HAAA HAAA MWAHHHAHHAA MWAAHHHAAAAHHHAAAA

The rest of the tape is Nice Bryce laughing maniacally, and howling to the moon.

So, you heard it here first.  Is Nice Bryce working hard to remove the Nice tag, we shall have to wait and see…