Suave's Republique Cricket

Straya are shit!
Strayan conquerers!

Strayan conquerers!

It’s official.  Australia are now only average as a cricketing side..  They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father.  It hurts kids, but get used to it!   This is what being a The England fan is all about!

The reasons for their collapse are many.  They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them.  They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.

Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.

Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.

Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.

Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well.   He’s a fucking useless captain.

Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.

Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.

Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.

Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection.  Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.

Brett Lee.  Shoot the damn dog.  Shit, shit, shit.

Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.

Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!

Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria.  Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..

Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future.  I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa.   Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.

Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.


After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.

Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.

Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.

Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.

Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!

25 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I was hoping for a clever missive here but have to call a spade a spade…they are truly soft as shite!

Comment by Sunny

Succint and to the point, that’s how we roll in this part of the world sunshine!

Comment by Suave

Oh yeah, just wait you… Ballsinher, Milfinhouse and Bonnie will crush the Saffers in Sydney and then in Safferland and finally they will win the Ashes for the first time overseas in four years and we’ll see who’s shite then… Don’t forget who beat NZ and WI in 2008! WI overseas too! Who’s Number 1! Who’s Number 1!

Comment by achettup

Brilliant! You should be their media correspondent with talk like that! Top work our kid!

Comment by Suave

are we sure achettup is not the aust captain?! punter did say (yet again) that aust still are the #1 team in the post match media conf.

or maybe he is andrew hilditch!! ; )

Comment by Sunny

Officially they are, if they win the Sydney test. But we all know better!

Comment by Suave

i hope england selectors are watching this burning, sinking ship and get their picks right by the ashes. and the picks don’t include the sherminator or matty prior. i would add monty too but apparently he is only hopeless against india. and simon jones needs to be back. someone who can make the ball sing and dance.

Comment by Sunny

Now it looks like Ashes 2009 will be an evenly-contested tournament among evenly-matched sides. So finally we can expect a contest!

Comment by 12th Man

Valid points there kiddywinks, let’s hope it’s a cracker. At least we know it’ll be played over five test matches, which is always the best length for a series.

Comment by Suave

“fucking cud chewing cowcock”

From now ,Saffers are goin to be the team to beat…they are goin to whitewash the ozies

Comment by V


Comment by Miss Field

Suave, I must tell you, I came here looking for a hard hitting journo piece on the merits and demerits of the Aus team right now and you sir, has delivered.

Down with the ‘ Stralia.

Time to sink em to depths from which they can never come back.

Sri Lanka to number two as Australia battle with WI and NZ for the coveted no7 spot.

Comment by damiths

Thanks kids. Although I now have The Gris’ flu, so am wrapped up in a duvet, not feeling anything now! Hopefully, I’ll feel better once I’ve got drugs, and copious amounts of them, in my system! THen I’ll be writing more hard hitting shit!

Comment by Suave

Hope you feel better, though I’m sure the joy of us losing has helped a little.

Comment by Miss Field

Just a touch young lady. Now I’m going to wrap up and watch shite on TV!

Comment by Suave

When do the Aussies get to feast on a bit of Kiwi fodder again? I suppose they could arrange for Zimbabwe and Bangladesh to play in Darwin and Cairns a few times soon, that’ll give them some points.

Comment by thevillagecricketer


Comment by DreamDancer

Well said as usual. How Hayden has saved his place for Sydney I will never know. If the selectors are too stupid to keep him, he should man up and quit. The rest of the world never want to see him bat again.

Comment by DreamDancer

[…] ruthless with a deadly bowling attack (yes, even Paul Harris) and annoyingly successful batsmen, as Australia sink down the rankings to the level currently occupied by […]

Pingback by The end of an era? «

Hi Suave,

Happy New Year.

I want to link exchange with you for my funny video site

If you like this site please link it from your blog. I have added you link at;cat=1.



Comment by Hitesh

Added to the blogroll Hitesh, happy new year to you too.

Comment by Suave

[…] loss to South Africa hasn’t elicited a bit more gloating around the blogosphere. Suave, bless him, had a spray at the Aussies, but he would have said the same thing regardless of the […]

Pingback by C’mon, revel in it while you can | Crucket

Hahaha.. the UPDATE is just hilarious.

Poor Aussies.

Comment by Q

It is rather a magnificent thing, I must say Q!

I laughed so hard, a bit of drink came out of my nose!

Comment by Suave

Hang on a minute GSB (G Smith’s bitch aka Suave), the world as a whole might have given us a reminder we are mortal but fucking England hasn’t.

The last time we played yous in Rugby, Rugby League, Cricket and Soccer we won.

Comment by Mentalist

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