Suave's Republique Cricket

De Nederlanders slaan de Engelsen
Where's Dirty Dirk?!

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70’s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

Ricky Schroder in “I’m not too shabby”, shocker.

Ricky Schroder, today showed that he certainly has more than one string to his bow!

I’ve taken a break from my successful acting career, to become a mean old quick!

Child star turned successful adult actor, is one thing, becoming an international quality bowler, who’s taken 36 wickets in 24 matches in ODI’s is another!

If only Macaulay Culkin had learned the art of fast bowling, instead of being enticed to fiddle with Michael Jacksons testicles!

The England have given themselves a chance in this series, thanks to a very good all-round performance.

Jimmy Anderson bowled pretty well today. (I reckon he’s been spurred on, by reading my scathing attacks on his recent form )

Dimi Danger Anus, did himself no favours, by bowling pies all day, and going wicketless again.. He’s actually making himself a case for 20/20 only.

Ian Bell, has avoided a certain hulk smashing, with a very nice knock today. He looked all set to go on for a big one, until the Pimp Ass Motherfucker decided to give him out LBW, from an inside edge.

I love the Rauf man, he’s cool. Today however, he had what can only be described as a “Bucknor”. Shit in almost every way. The one exception being his decision to give Pieterson out LBW. Bang on the money with that one, although the Saffer didn’t look happy.

Who comes next? Not silly colly fuckwad, but Paul Collingwood, Member of The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, to put those pesky natives back in their place!

Admiral of The Fleet, Suave, has decided to leave the gunships where they are at the moment, but the Navy is on standby, in case we return to the “Shit in Pyjamas” days of yore.

Captain Collingwood, showed the mettle that earmarked him for a position in Suave’s Republican Army, with a terrific all-round display, taking 3/43 with his dibbly-dobbly’s, and a beautifully timed 70 from 50 balls, to win the third ODI, in this five match rubber.

Top stuff, old chap!

Suave salutes you.

New Zealand have two world class ODI players, and they showed it again today.

The Perfect Boyfriend Jacob Oram scored a cracking 88 from 91 balls, including 4 fours, and 4 sixes. His bowling wasn’t brilliant, but he still took 1-45.
Vettori with his ICC ODI Bowler of the year award.

Daniel Vettori had a near perfect day, and deserved better. There is a reason he’s the No1 ranked ODI bowler, and the 2-23 today, again proved his class. He also batted beautifully for 42 from 35 balls.

This should make the last two ODI’s very interesting!

The England are suave.

Back again… Had to disappear for a couple of days (how dare my employers force me to work for my extortionate salary!)

Things I’ve learnt about The England cricketers this morning..

I’m a soft lad, me..

Jimmy Anderson wears paper thongs (not flip flops, you antipodeans), and has spray tans. He is also considered the best dressed player by his team mates. He also has a beautiful wife….

Suave may give me a good shooing, but she’s going to nurse me better!

Stuart Broad makes female journalists swoon. Ricky Schroder seems to have given up his child acting career to become a cricketer. How queer.

I am a child star.  I have avoided prostitution and drug addiction.  I am now an international bowling sensation.

Paul Collingwood loves Hugo Boss, and won’t be seen in the streets wearing make-up.

I love dressing up me.

Anderson, Broad & Cook all posed naked for an issue of Cosmopolitan.

Unfortunately Miss-Field, no horny for Vaughany in this issue.. So I’ve included a little piccy for your pleasure.


This is not the behaviour of a team ready to fight!

Luckily, we’re only playing New Zealand. Who are marginally better than Bangladesh, and a tad better than the West Indies (although I reckon it’s close).

I predict a white-wash for The England .

Ian Bell as highest run scorer.

Matthew Hoggard, with most wickets.

Everyone looking and dressing well.

Unfortunately, I try this sort of thing. Every now and than I try to dress well for cricket. Even going as far as looking like Douglas Jardine.

Suave.  Mean.  Why are these fellas bowling beamers at me?

I wore the white tie, open neck shirt combination.  I had a shocker that day.  I refused to get my whites dirty, so never dived to stop anything.  My lazy off spin, didn’t, and was lazier than usual.  The opposition bowlers didn’t take to kindly to me suaving it up, so they bowled three beamers at me, and every other ball was short.

I scored 2, I bowled three overs for 45.

England beware.