Suave's Republique Cricket

How is he, Umpire? How would I know, I’m a halfwit!!

As I ease my way into this cricket blogging lark, I realised no-one actually writes anything, solely about the umpires.

This is wrong, as these paragons of virtue, are wonderful human beings, who are not blind, deaf or stupid.

In my not so humble opinion (I’m not humble, I’m suave, have you ever met a suave fella that was humble? No, so stop it), the two best umpires in world cricket at present are Simon Taufel and Aleem Dar.

I’m not a probot, if I catch that Suave calling me one again, there will be hell to pay!

Simon Taufel, has been voted ICC Umpire Of The Year, every year since it was first awarded in 2004. He looks like an all-round nice guy, who if your sister brought home, you’d offer him a beer. He is, however a probot. And surprisingly bald under that hat of his..

Under my hat, I have lego hair, he he!

I can’t really explain Aleem Dar, he was involved in the farce that was the ICC Cricket World Cup Final Shamblesything. He’s had death threats for dodgy decisions in South Africa, and was criticised for making some howlers against Australia in the 2005 ashes tour. Maybe that’s why I like him, two out of three of the really bad times of his career, he’s inadvertently helped England. Aleem Dar should also be forced to wear a hat at all times, because without he has lego hair, and that is never a good look!

Look at me, I'm quirky, I have a bent finger!

Last year though, himself and the freak that is Billy Bowden (stop it knobhead, no-one came to watch you!) had a fantastic series, when the Windies visited our green and pleasant land. They made decisions that were spot on, and that’s what you want from them.

I'm a pimp ass motherfucker and you is plumb in front suckah!

Asad Rauf is just one cool motherfucker.. Moustaches = Ace. No questions.

Rudi Koertzen looks great when he wears his beard, but is South African (please, for the love of WG Grace don’t let Santa be a saffer!), which immediately makes him a lifelong enemy. Also. raise your arm in under ten seconds if they’re out… you know it’s out, we know it’s out, the batsman knows it’s out, this isn’t fucking Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

See we’re not square, officiating, probot, halfwits. honest!

Daryl Harper is OK, doesn’t seem to court too much controversy, and wears cool glasses. Any one who wears anything well, is a decent sort, in my book.

I have the full backing of HM Royal Navy and Suave, so you be respectful!

Mark Benson is an eedjit with a weak heart, but he’s English, so no comments on him, or I’ll send the Royal Navy round.

And finally that leaves our Caribbean chums, Steve Bucknor & Billy Doctrove.

I am an official, boy! You will respect my authoritay!!!

Mr Bucknor, please come in your time is up… His umpiring accuracy was 96% in 2005-06. The old fella should have quit while he was ahead! What does worry me, is that he spent his lifetime officiating in one way or another. He was a mathematics teacher, then a FIFA qualified referee (that’s football or soccer to you non-English speakers, yes that includes you antipodeans!), then when forced to retire at 45, he become an ICC umpire.

There is something intrinsically wrong with a chap, that goes out of their way to tell other people what to do.

Imagine a stump through his eye, imagine Suave laughing maniacly!

And last and definitely least, is Billy Doctrove. The less said about this man, the better. Billy Doctrove makes me want to smash my TV with my cricket bat, and if I’m at a ground and he’s officiating, I have to constantly fight the urge to run on to the field of play, steal a stump and beat him within an inch of his life. If he’s umpiring, and Haydon is batting, I’ll get .. DOUBLE Good times!

12 Comments so far
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I can’t believe you went to the trouble of putting a hover-caption on each and every one of those photos.

Comment by Miriam

Well, it wouldn’t be very proper of me, not too.

I did threaten revolution to the King!

Comment by republiquecricket

Just came in from Uncle J’s.

Billy Bowden has a decent show going but I agree he needs a new play…this one’s been longer than Cats.

Comment by Soulberry

And if you didn’t think Bowden was irritating enough already…

…He’s a happy-clappy born-again God Botherer.

Comment by sportsfreak

I’ve always thought Mr T would make a good umpire, wouldn’t see the BCCI asking for his head.

You seem to have missed Darryl Hair, found to be the most accurate umpire in 2006 though not loved by the PCB.

Comment by Andrew Mosey

Sportsfreak, then he needs to die, in the same way Matthew Hayden does! If he’s so religious, how is it that he never crosses himself when playing for Queensland. FatHeadFlatTrackBully c*nt!

Soulberry, you’re right, the man is an attention seeking little arse.. all he needed was a few more cuddles from mummy, but instead he’s turned into a little show-off.

I pity a FOOL that argues with Mr T… Him and Chuck Norris at square leg, and all arguments are solved! Unfortunately, most umpires are officious little shits, who get off on power because they have no souls.
Also, I deliberately missed Darryl Hair, as he’s currently studying NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), which means he’s a twat. And that he’s not allowed to officiate elite matches.

Comment by republiquecricket

Your respect for authority shines through.

Comment by Ottayan

Why does it bother you that Haydos doesn’t cross himself when playing for Gods own land?

I’m glad he irritates you but can’t understand why.

Comment by Mentalist

1. Christians bother me full stop..
2. If he was a real Christian, he would cross himself everytime he scored a century.
3. Because he’s a FatHeadFlatTrackBully.
4. Because he’s too good.
5. I reckon he eats orphans for mid afternoon snacks.

Comment by republiquecricket

Suave, I’ve never called taufel a probot, when i think about it, he is one.

I think you should forget about a cricket blog, i want you to start the first ever cricket umpires blog.

you could call it

Comment by Uncle J rod

Where on earth did that come from then? Now I’m stumped, but the man is a machine..

Maybe I will Uncle, maybe I will. Hold that thought!

Comment by republiquecricket

[…] hulk smashing, with a very nice knock today. He looked all set to go on for a big one, until the Pimp Ass Motherfucker decided to give him out LBW, from an inside […]

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