Suave's Republique Cricket

Stupid Kiwi Administracats
September 29, 2008, 11:06 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Now kids, you’ve signed a new deal with sportswear manufacturers Canterbury for a new kit and kaboodle.

You look to your squad of players, and think “who would look good in this, and model this kit to it’s best”.

I know that most of my lovely lady readers would pick Daniel Vettori, maybe Brendan McCullum as a bit of rough?

I don’t know, I understand less about womens minds than I do global economics, and complex Belgian politics.

Shit, Uh'm a fucking ugly son of a bitch!

They're SuperMegaFugly's with a bastard arsehole twist

But Scott Styris, fucking hell, he looks like he comes from a very small gene pool.

Chris Martin’s not too bad, but surely they could have come up with two better looking fella’s than that?!

Stupid Kiwis

Stupid Fucking Administracats

What a fucking farce that was yesterday.  43 overs played and no result.


Because Law 43 wasn’t applied.  Nigel Long (third umpire) spoke to Nasser Hussain before the game about switch hitting, and confused the poor sky team, by mentioning Law 43.  (Teh MCC laws only go up to 42) Law 43 is the first one they teach you at “Look at me I’m not good enough to the play the game, so I’ll stop you enjoying it, you better looking, richer, more talented fuckers” school (Umpire school), it is an unwritten rule, that says the power freaks in stupid hats, should use common sense.

Why the fuck did they not do that, when the “playing conditions” stipulated that you can only reduce the lunchtime break to a minimum of 30mins.  WANK OFF YOU SHITTING COCKFUCKS.  Fuck me, they’d only been on the field for an hour and a half.  Why did they not use common sense?  Ten minute turnaround, and that game was over.

It’s not often I agree with Ian “i’m a pickle brained fucknut” Botham or Ian “fuck me he’s got fat since 04” Smith, but they were right yesterday.   The fans sat there all-day in the rain, and they called the game off with one over to go.  NZ needed seven to win.  That would have been a magic finish, to a really good game of cricket.  The players wanted to finish, the crowd wanted it finished, but the administracats want to ruin the game for everyone else.

If I’d have been in the crowd at Edgbaston yesterday, I would have had to start HULK SMASHING THINGS.  I wasn’t, I was looking after The Gris, whilst the missus went for a pedicure.

Honestly, if that had have happened in India, there would’ve been a riot!

Now if we can get rid of Beefy, and let him drink himself into oblivion (whilst still keeping up the sterling charity work!  Good on you for that Beefy),  I’d be a happy man.

I’ve forgotten how to write, it seems, and this is just a vitriolic rant (this one’s for you Ceci!). So I’ll stop now.

One last thing.

Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy

I could be wrong
I could be right
I could be wrong
I could be right


See this in less sweary, posher format at Holding Willey!

Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?

He looks good when he gets out this fucker..

Fuckwit FAIL!



Fuck me, not again Vaughany, you retard.

He looks good when missing the ball, at least. No ugly hoicks across the line for this fella, no siree.


Hello you sausage.

Well fuck my old boots. The England done won it, when they should have been spanked like a naughty orphan!

This is good. Wing Commander seems to look back in best form, and I’m doing fairly well in Sportsfreak’s tipping competition!

A couple of things alarmed me.  Paul Collingwood looks like he’s batting with a matchstick instead of a big bloody bat!  Ian Bell, should spend less time hiding his ginger, and more time remembering he has all the talent in the world!  The little fuckstick doesn’t seem to be able to avoid fielders for love nor money. Strawberry haired arse.

Monty did well, but should be doing this more often.  He’s still on my list for a slap, but he’s probably given himself a weeks grace.

Jimmy Anderson is still in line for a slap, although he’s averaging better than any recent series.   If he could stop bowling pie-pie-pie-jaffer-longhop-pie,  I’d be happy!
I’m a little pre-occupied at the minute, as I’m job hunting, but we will be back on it big time soon..

May 24, 2008, 4:29 pm
Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket, LOLCricket | Tags: , , , , ,

Daniel Flynn Face Fail

All he wants for Christmas is his two front teeth apparrently!

The England Lions replaced by replicants.

Robert Key, was yesterday replaced by an evil replicant.  Unfortunately for those that made the trip to The Rose Bowl, Hampshireshire, the evil replicant was no match for the real super Rob, as it failed to get the ball off the square all morning.  The real robert sir robert, would have flayed them to all parts, whilst laughing maniacally!  HA HAA, BRING ME MORE PIES!  He might have said.

For a look at the real reasons for his dismissals, have a look at Kingy Cricketings here..

Michael Carberry also seems to have been replaced, with a lesser version of himself.  But seriously, who cares?  Not me, that’s who, and as I am all-powerful leader of the republic, I have a lot of say around these parts!

The Lions crawled, and when I say crawled, I don’t mean baby speed crawling, I mean bloke with broken leg, dragging himself down a fucking mountain, after nearly dying, crawling, to 48-0 at Lunch.

In the next session, they lost 5-40, and appeared to be on their way to a miserable little total, until Luke Wright decided to get medieval on their arses!

Yes, the little fella went batshit and scored 120 at a strike rate of 91, to put them up to a decent 280.

Hopefully, we’ll see the real Rob Key back today, directing the troops in the only way he knows.  MAGNIFICENTLY!!