Suave's Republique Cricket

New Zealand – Still Shit!

Iain O’Brien in his blog yesterday said, There is a quote that goes, “you are sure of three things in life, taxes, death and runs at Adelaide.” Yet New Zealand made 203 all out, and Brendan McCullum scored 83no of those runs.

What the fuck were the rest of the team doing?  This is a pitch that Michael Clarke scored a century on, without one of his higher order players scoring a century before him, which is so rare, it’s like a blue moon, and a pitch that Brad Haddin scores a century on?  Rubbish, absolute shite.

I’ve read in a few pieces today, that Jamie How was unlucky, as Punter pulled off an absolute blinder to remove him, but that’s bollocks,  if he middled it, it wouldn’t have been caught, know what I mean friend!

That sort of wisdom is what makes me such a cricketing superpower.

Also, Brett Lee took five wickets, and at the moment you’ve got to be absolute cocking shit for that halfwit to take ONE wicket, let alone five!

So I reckon we’ll be seeing the Kiwis back at the bottom of the original test match team league after that shocker.

We now have the exciting prospect of a proper bit of competition, with South Africa due to play the first test against Australia on the 17th December.  Now that will be a test…

In summary, Australia look ordinary, New Zealand look shit.

What’s that all about then?

Cor blimey guv, it’s all going off aint it.

Fucking bombs galore, hostages, and the terrists want us plucky Brits.

I can’t understand it?  It’s as if we’ve been fucking around in their region’s politics for hundreds of years, subjugating their subjects, and denouncing the whole of their religion as evil or summat.

Next you’ll be telling me that the French don’t like us?!

Lucky it’s not Pakistan, or no foreigner would ever step foot in the country again!   It’s OK though Lalit Modi, the evil genius, reckons we will be playing the test match series, and that’s that.  Based on his previous, I reckon the auld bastard knows a few coercien techniques.  So KP beware!!!

Also, they’ve cancelled the IPL & ICL, and the test series is on, so all that guff about the death of test cricket has just been turned on its head.  It’s the death of pointless 20/20 tournaments!  Huzzah!!

Enough bad news kids, Suavey’s home!

What the fuck is all this bollocks about a fitness race.  I keep seeing this headline (especially just now, with the Krezja/Hauritz selection dilemma), and it’s raised a few questions in Suave’s superhuman brainbox.

  • What is a fitness race?
  • How many people are involved in it, is it just Hauritz and Krezja?
  • What distance is it over?
  • Who holds the Worlds record?
  • What happens if the unfit guy happens to be quicker than the fit guy, even when injured?  Imagine a fitness race between a fit Eddo Brandes and an injured Jimmy Anderson….
  • Where does it take place, and can I watch it?  Also can I bet on it?
  • Why is the race between Krezja and Hauritz, when Marcus North is the best spinner in Sheffield Shield cricket this season.  The fact that North is averaging 53 with the bat, should probably give him some sort of mention in the selection meeting, no?
  • Surely a race is unfair on the bloke who’s injured?
  • What if having the race does the fella in again?  Until we know the specifics of the race, this is a distinct possibility I tells ya.

As always, I DEMAND ANSWERS ADMINISTRACATS.  Or journalists, as you knobbies keep using the phrase.

Lastly, go to Iain O’Briens blog, he’s a fucking genius.

A weekend of wonderment.

A few things happened over the weekend (I very rarely touch t’internet, as I don’t get paid for it over that precious time!)

Kiwi’s lulling us into a false sense of security!

It appears my Hulk Smash predictions, have already come to bite me on the arse (and a rather suave arse it is, if I do say so myself).

New Zealand bowled The England out for a measly 130. Ace Shah, involved in all three run outs. Cook coming in for Luke Wright and being a bit shit. Bopara came in for the Sri Aussie superstar, and stayed true to his recent form, by being absolutely shit. The long hop he smacked to a fielder, would have been smashed out of the park, if he was wearing his Essex pyjamas..

Ian Bell had the following to say, in his column in The Independent.

“But hats off to the Black Caps. They went into the match under enormous pressure and they responded really well. They bowled superbly straight on the drop-in pitch and fielded like tigers. We suffered three run-outs, which typified our efforts on the day a bit.

It shouldn’t have happened, but in our defence I’d make the point about the peculiarity of New Zealand grounds. Many of them are primarily rugby stadiums – for which purpose they were built – which makes for some odd pitch placements and boundary perimeters.

It also means there is no conventional square so that a ball, struck from a drop-in pitch, is effectively travelling over a rugby pitch, softer, springier turf making the ball hold up.”

Which translates as…

We were shit, they were good, but it’s them bloody rugby stadiums wot done it. we wuz scared Jonah Lomu was going to come and sack us.

Wing Commander Andrew Strauss

Had another shocker, scoring 10 before losing his wicket, to the truly amazing, bestest bowler in the universe, Iain O’Brien.  That boy is good (and in true Coming to America style), Good and terrible!

Australia vs India, MCG.

A game took place at the MCG yesterday too, which was played on a pitch, that seemed to be made of treacle. How is it that King Probot managed to score 65 no, whilst no one else seemed to be able to hit it off the square. Maybe this is what makes him one of the top ODI players in world cricket? He looks average at all times, yet scores lots on really shit pitches.. Stranger things have happened at sea.

Ishant Sharma, at his mark, ready to deliver a rising ball to the shoulder of YOUR bat!

Ishant Sharma had a cracking game, with 4-38, which would have been much better had he not been smashed for 18 off one over.  Super bowling from the young fella, he was pitching just short of a good length, and really getting it to lift.  Ponting was fending just under his chin, and it still took the shoulder of the bat.

I remember when Stephen Harmison used to be able to do that.

Let’s hope that Sri Lanka can raise their game, and make this CB series as interesting as it looks on paper.