Suave's Republique Cricket


Die Nederlands; Die nieuw Zuid-Afrika?
Apple Fail!

Nom nom nom

Ryan Ten-Doeschate, Suave’s favourite Essex based dutchman, has obviously spent some time in Zuid-Afrika, learning from the master coach that is Mickey Arthur.  The best way to become world beaters in cricket is to eat cricket balls, apparently.

Nom nom nom

Nom nom nom

Be sure to get yourself over to King Cricket at 12pm BST today, for the greatest post the world has ever seen!  I can hardly wait.



Symonds in “I’m still a drunken fuckwit” shocker
June 4, 2009, 11:53 am
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: , , , ,

Stupid fucktard

According to cackinfo,  Andrew Symonds has been sent home again, for more alcohol fuelled shenanigans.

Now this shouldn’t come as a surprise to many, because he is a Brummy, and they’re all piss soaked tramps.  That and the fact that he was brought up in ‘Straya, the home of fucking god awful weak lager.

Whenever he comes here, he drinks the same amount, and forgets that our beer is about fourteen times stronger. They don’t call it tanglefoot for now’t, you know.

This has got to be the last time he ever gets to pull on an Aussie jersey, hasn’t it?  This must be number 6002 in his sozzled history, and surely that’s enough for any one predator.

Will this weaken the ‘Strayan 20/20 side?  I’d say yes, he averages 48 with the bat and 34 with the ball in T20i’s, them’s shit hot numbers.

What I’m trying to say is…

HA FUCKING HA!

Australia are now officially shit again, and we can all laugh out loud at them.



Oh dear lord, the end is nigh…
Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Alastair Cook took his recent smackdown show to Kent again.  Last week he scored 80 from 56 balls against the spitfires, this week 77 off 55.  So far in the 20/20 cup he’s scored 197 runs at an average of 49.25 and a strike rate of 139.  Wow.  Thems good figures eh…

I like this a lot.  I always want to see an Essex boy do well, but he’s consistently annoyed the shit out of me, by being the most tedious fucktard the world has ever seen.

He rarely hits the ball in the air, scores his runs in test cricket at a snails pace, and is generally a grinder.

I think a season playing List A cricket, and 20/20 will improve the boy no end.   He’s made it clear that he wants to be considered for The England in all types of cricket, which is an admirable statement, and one that he appears to be backing up.

I’m looking forward to the day, that I look at a The England pyjamas match, and don’t want to cut my face in to slithers because eyeliner is opening the batting.  Let’s hope it’s not too far round the corner.



Alastair Cook in “I can play in pyjamas” shocker.

Cook, Broad & Anderson Naked

Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.

Alastair Cook opens the innings.

Then it all gets weird.

He scored lots, and quickly.  What the fuck is going on?  I fear the end is nigh children.  Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.

80 from 56 balls.  QUE?!

Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly.  I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.

Why does he not do it more?  Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag..   I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.



The Duckworth Lewis Method
May 22, 2009, 7:19 pm
Filed under: Reviews | Tags: , , , , , ,
The Duckworth Lewis Method

The Duckworth Lewis Method

I am giddy with excitement, after receiving a copy of The Duckworth Lewis Method‘s new album DLM in the post today!

The Duckworth Lewis Method are made up of Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy, and Thomas Walsh from Pugwash.

I will be giving it a listen over the weekend, and will be writing a full review here, for you lovely children.

As a brutally honest kind of fella, I will be telling it like it is.  If it’s great, I’ll shout it from the top.  If it’s shit, I shall do the same, only louder!

I can’t see that to be honest, as I love Neil Hannon, so expect this magical combination of cricket and music to be fantastical.



Media wankfest #2
Good, but not that good... Yet...

Good, but not that good... Yet...

Dear media,

Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.

Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division.  This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.

Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.

So can we stop with the cock sucking please.  He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.

I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent.   He has.   He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket.  Not bad, I think you’ll agree..

What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The  England batsman).

If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60’s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like.  Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…

Now fuck off.

Update

Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.

I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair.  That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..

Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!



Drainage Fail

Bloody Northerners, can't get 'owt right!

Play is abandoned for the day after heavy rain this morning..

That my friends is fucking wank.

Yorkshire CCCCCCC have spent £600,000 on a drainage system, that after 3hrs of sunshine didn’t work well enough to allow any play today.

I’ll tell you why this is shit.

Lords, 2007, The England v India.

I went to this match, I can’t recall which day mind, but I remember everything else vividly.

I alighted the tube at Regents Park and started walking across the park in the direction of the home of cricket.

Halfway across the park, it started raining.  Luckily I had waterproofs and an umbrella with me.  I quickly ducked under a tree for cover, and put my waterproofs on (these are mountainy-goretexy, top of the rangy shizzle), and carried on.  By the time I’d got to the other side of Regents Park, my golfing umbrella had snapped through the sheer volume of rain that fell.   No wind, just pure volume of water broke the spokes, and the umbrella was fucked.

I pulled my hat out of my bag, pulled the hood of my waterproofs off, and continued towards Lords.

It’s no more than a 1mile walk from Regents Park to Lords, and in that time, the rain was so torrential, that there were three foot deep puddles on St John’s Wood Road.  Cars were struggling to get through, because of the depth of the puddles.  The drainage system was overflowing, to such an extent that people were starting to fear for their houses.

It was fucking terrible, monsoon like.   As I got to the gates, I was completely and utterly soaked.  Not 1cm of my body was not completely drenched.  And I was properly attired.

I went to the pub to wait for the rain to stop, as there was no chance of getting a taxi, and the pub was dry.  It rained for just over an hour, and everyone in the pub agreed, that there would be no chance of play…

I ventured into the rain, and managed to get a cab driver to take me home, so I could change.

That whole process took no more than an hour and a half.   By this time the sun was out, but I didn’t hold much hope for any play, so switched on the box to get the latest updates.

What happened next left me completely fucking flabbergasted.   Just after lunch, play had started, and I’d only been gone an 1.5hrs….

The drainage was so good, that with just over 2hrs of sunshine, play was able to commence.

Fuck you Yorkshire CCC, and the horse you rode in on.  That’s how drainage should work, not your £600,000 fuck up.

The moral of the story?  Never trust northerners, the workshy bastards!!