Suave's Republique Cricket

Well Fuck My Old Boots.
You little master bater.

You little master bater.

One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.

Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil.  You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!

Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips.  How the fuck do you lose a game from that position?  By being weak cunts, that’s how.  I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.

I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.

Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on!  All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at  strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.

Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard.  Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.

Ian Bell.  The Sherminator should be sherminated.  Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.

Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt.  Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30),  and needs to learn, fast.  I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.

Paul Collingwood.  Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly.  As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”.   Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.

Andrew Flintoff.   He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder.  He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that.  Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.

Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more.  I’ll let him off for now.

Greame Swann.  Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.

James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit.  Grow some balls, or fuck off.  You get the full suave smashing.

Steve Harmison.  CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT.  I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.

Monty Panesar.  PRICK. PRICK.  PRICK.  Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.

India, here at La Republique, I salute you.

Chakh De India!

Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god.  Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.

More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.

33 Comments so far
Leave a comment

England have earned my respect though, the only other team to have really pushed India this close at home recently was South Africa. And no team, absolutely no team, could have beaten India after Sehwag played that blinder and Tendulkar batted with such determination.

Comment by achettup

Dude, I hear ya, but my raging brain just won’t allow me to comprehend it.

My brain is currently wailing like a banshee, and showing images of me, smashing The England players into the next life!

Comment by Suave

Seconded, what the fuck was all that bullshit then.

Why did England declare with 9 down. Surely they could have gotten all the runs they could have. The 2nd innings batting was fucking pathetic, except for the two fuckers who got 100s.

Im pissed. I say a hulk smash for KP too. For fucking losing from there.

We bow before you Sehwag.

Comment by DamithS

I didn’t really think England did enough to deserve a hulk smash from you. Agree with you on the fact that the bowling was shit, if not for Fred and Swann. But 387 is tough to get, anywhere, against any opposition in the 4th innings of a test. I am yet to come to terms to what i saw from the Indians today.

Comment by 12th Man

Damith, I love your swearing..

As Stephen Fry once said…

“Swearing is a really important part of one’s life. It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing, and without enjoying swearing. There used to be mad silly, prissy people who said swearing was a sign of a poor vocabulary. It is such utter nonsense. The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies, and the kind of person who says swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary, usually have a pretty poor vocabulary themselves. The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or of a lack of verbal interest is just fucking lunatic”

Bring on the swearfest!

Comment by Suave

Damith, KP gets a smash for batting, not for captaincy.

12th man, There’s always a reason for THe England to get hulk smashed.

Comment by Suave

Suavey has every right to be pissing mad. TendulkaR I can understand. The god of Sehwagology you can’t control. But giving Yuvraj 80 more runs than he scored in the entire year deserves a Hulk-smash.

Comment by Horatius

I think you were too easy on Harmison…

Comment by Rob

Bang on Horatius..
The problen with The England, is they only had two effective bowlers in Flintoff & Swann. The rest were dross, so all India needed to do was see off their spells and make hay against the other shit heads.

Comment by Suave

Rob, I’d given my self such a headache by the time I got to Harmy, that I had to slow down, or I would have had an anuerysm! The blood pressure has dropped down a touch since then, but my hatred for him has only risen!

Comment by Suave

I popped over here in the vain hope that England’s performance would have goaded you into posting and I was not disappointed – if an X-rated tell-it-how-it-is cricket commentary service is ever mooted, you are a shoo-in. Bless you for not being too hard on Swanny.

Comment by Mel

Maybe I’ll start one Mel.. I reckon there’s a market out there!

Comment by Suave

Suave – I’m sure you’re angry about the result and the English effort – why not just come on out and say so for goodness sake, instead of all this anodyne pap?

Comment by Ceci

*wonders what Ceci will make of the Harmy hulk smash…*

I’d agree with most of that, though with a few less c*@ts!

ps Colly is not fucking ugly. He is yum!

Comment by SarahCanterbury

Boom boom Ceci! Always good for a laugh my lovely!

Sarah, I mean ugly in “fuck he’s ugly to watch” sense, not his handsomeness, which as you’ve pointed out, is not in question!

Comment by Suave


You forgot to add Hulk-double-smashers for the the administicunts in the ECB, who won’t put in Adil Rashid until well after his children have graduated from college. This was a good series. India always does badly against debutants. This was the time to put Adil in.

Comment by horatius

Suave, nice work mother fucker.

Hor, nice Suavific use of the word administracrats.

Comment by J Rod

Bum, willy, poo, piss…

I think I need some practice at this swearing at cricketers lark.

Adil should play at the weekend instead of rubbish Panesar. Can’t bring myself to use his christian name. Would like to see Amjad given a go too – can’t do any worse.

Comment by SarahCanterbury

A big hulk smash to Mascara Cook for once again being unable to field at silly point and missing the chance to get Tendulkar out. Stop standing up so early, you little shit! Someone get him a stool to sit on, or else break his fucking kneecaps.

And can someone explain the LBW rule to Monty so he doesn’t jump up and down like he’s being electricuted whenever batsmen pad away his legside rubbish? Twat.

Comment by Dave

[…] For the moment, though, it seems churlish to detract from the Indian achievement by dwelling on the English failure. Even though it was a cataclysmic failure. […]

Pingback by India shock England in Chennai «

This fucking post, what with all its fucking swear words is, like, pretty fucking awesome. I believe the new net filter in Australia won’t let it through.

Comment by Samir Chopra

Can I be the 157th to say ‘impressive swearing’. Fucking impressive. I’ve added you to my links page.

Comment by Richard Irvine

Thanks Richard, a pleasure to have you here at La Republique.. I shall do the same and add you shortly!

Brilliant Dave. If there’s one thing I like it’s upsetting THE MAN!

Comment by Suave

My work filter has already blocked it, Samir – “hate speech”, apparently. Anyone would think I worked for the ECB!

Comment by Dave

[…] England’s valiant effort met with scathing reviews and calls for heads, Short Of A Length’s PersistentInEverytingIveEverDone Reddy shot off to Chennai from […]

Pingback by Giles Clarke On Bouncer Barrage! « Short of a Length

I believe this is what the internet was made for (well ok, along with porn).

KP gets off too lightly though. How can his captaincy not sit in full A-grade clusterfuckdom at this point?

5 ODIs buttfucked and now this, which surely proves that putting a south african with a high pitched voice and shit for brains as captain is against the fabric of the universe.

The other jaapie who should be captain of ths side must have the biggest fucken dose of Schadenfreude on record right now

Comment by gagger

Thanks gagger. And welcome to la republique. It does seem stupid to give the captaincy to the most retarded fella in the side! If i had my way the fucker would never be able to speak again.

Comment by Suave

Thank christ there is somewhere sane in the world where that useless fucking twat, Anderson, is being talked about. Even the occasionally sane bob Willis isn’t on his case, what the fuck is going on? His technique is shit and the resultant stats declare him a muppet and yet… and yet, the coward harmison gets critcised, the hard working and relativly succesful troop in and out of the side and he remains, untouched, uncriticised collecting his massive wage for being a useless fucking cunt. But of course its not his fault, he’s a cunt and that’s that. The fuckers too blame are the selecters who should be tied to burning stakes while anderson and harmison fire in balls at the release switch, they would burn for a thousand years.

Comment by Andersonhasnakedphotdsofselectors

Dear Suave,

I am not the slightest bit interested in Cricket. Just another game we (England) excel in being totally fucking shit and pathetic at as far as I’m concerned. I was axtually googling for the origins of the term ‘Fuck My Old Boots’ and your page came up.

Jeez!!! – I thought I could swear creatively but you are a MASTER! What a literary genius you are at vulgarity.

Well done. You cunt.


Comment by Trap0001

Dear Trap0001,

I’m glad you arrived here. I do love a good cocking sweary time, and there’s a lot of useless fucksticks in The England cricket team to allow my full range of vulgarity. It’s good to be appreciated for it.

Now fucking poke it, you pony & trap shitcock!

Much love,

Comment by Suave

I’m in. Living in Canada in a politically correct world this was a joyfull read for a cricket loving ex-midlander.

Fuck a priest it was good.

Comment by pietro

Thanks Pietro,

have decided to kickstart things here again, so check back soon!

Comment by Suave

You can fucking start with a picture of you wearing an “I love G Smith” tshirt.

Comment by Mentalist

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