Suave's Republique Cricket

Who gets a hulk smash?

After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.

In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.

Alastair Cook

Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs.  The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.

Andrew Strauss

full on hulk smash for Wing Commander.  Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks.  Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War.  Fucking posh twat.

Michael Vaughan

Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself.  Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!

Kevin Pietersen

New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker.  He gets a little David Banner type hug.  Keep it up big man.

Ian Bell

Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock.  Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3.  Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating.  Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!

Paul Collingwood

Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese.  Send him to the glue factory.  Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck.  I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod.  Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.

Andrew Flintoff

I will never hulk smash big lad.  I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement.  He can do no wrong.

Tim Ambrose

Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains.  This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death!  Fuck off now.  Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.

Stuart Broad

He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad.  Or at least we hope he is.  Bats lovely, bowls OK.  Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet…  I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!

Ryan Sidebottom

Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers.  Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer.  Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.

Stephen J Harmison

Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid.  As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…).   His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad.  Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!

James Anderson

The wee man has done me proud this summer.  Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot.  This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice.  Cuddles all round.

Monty Panesar

SMASH!  Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra.  Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer.   I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own.   All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang.  Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star.  Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!

Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!

16 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Good to have you back soldier.

Comment by jrod

Thanks young buck… Time for Suave to get back on the horse, I reckon.

Comment by Suave

I don’t think Monty’s ever going to develop a doosra as a lefty, so he should either start being right-handed or learn to bowl leg-spin. Or both, preferably. We don’t want him to turn into Brad Hogg.

Of course, there’s always another spinner we could pick with an arm ball, a doosra, 200 test wickets and a century. Yeah ok, it’s Saqlain Mushtaq, but stranger things have happened.

Comment by Dave

A little harsh on Monty? He out-bowled Vettori for a while there, although he was a bit disappointing against South Africa.

He’s always going to have limitations, though. It will be interesting to see if Rashid gets a game in India.

Comment by A P Webster

Monty definitely needs to develop a doosra or a proper arm ball if he is going to do well in the Subcontinent. Specially back home in SL.

But I think the hulk smash is deserving.
LOL@ Bellys snarl, was thinking the samething..

Comment by Damith S

Unless The England find a mystery spinner, they’ll have zero success in India. The England can dismantle India only with a decent three-pronged pace attack. As we have seen with touring England sides in the past, their second spinner is always shit. And considering the grounds announced for the test series, we’ll be seeing big scores from the Indian bat. If England were to bat last on these dust bowls, defeat is inevitable.

Comment by 12th Man

AP, it is harsh, but he’s going nowhere really. We need him to be able to trick batsman with two deliveries.
Damith, welcome. Belly’s scowl makes me want to hit him in the mouth repeatedly. Maybe that’s why he has no confidence, because it happened at school? Who knows.

Twelth man, and who out of your team would score those runs? Not gonna be the fab four is it. 🙂

Comment by Suave

I doubt if the fab 4 will stay that longer in the team Suavey.
I can assure a good series for Sehwag and Gambhir.
The England can do well with a good pace attack, but i doubt if the pitches will assist them.

Comment by 12th Man

Can’t hulk smash you for dissing the Durham duo but could give your ankles a nasty nip.

Hurrah though for you mentioning the Jim but not the pies.

Shah rather than Bop.

Adil doesn’t seem to have gone anywhere this year (but he does play for Yorks)

Comment by Ceci Masters

By the by, Have you noticed Tilan Samaraweeras snarl is identical to Bellys ?

Comment by DamithS

You’re a bit behind the curve with young skywalker I’m afriad Ceci.

Adil did start the season with full on second season blues and his batting is still struggling to recover. But his bowling is most definatly going somewhere.

In the first 5 CC games this year he took 7 wks at 68, but since then 33 @ 23. Yorkshire’s last 4 games are all at Scarbourgh (his favourite ground) + the away fixture at Hove (spinners paradise).

He could well end up with 60 CC wks this season. That’s more than any Yorkshire spinner has managed in decades.

Rashid will tour.

Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

Ah perhaps you have been drinking too much Orval [or perhaps not enough!] All this love for Anderson and Broad – Blimy! One day someone will realise Harmy is not a new ball bowler – also he has no brain cells to smash sense into – someone needs to spend some time with him cloning some! I still maintain this will be less messy with Durham. Colly on the other hand, he stays [with the threat of the Glue factory – but rest assured any lip wibbling, mullet growing or odd blond highlights and I’ve got my rifle ready!]. The Essex Chav is fine on home turf but the minute he puts on an England shirt he is crap.

A spinner – can’t we just get Hoggy back and admit we are really crap? Adil is not yet setting my fire alight. I have to say during this dull Monty period I was much cheered to learn that our herbal essences loving friend has been known to swear at small children – there could be hope for him yet?

Comment by SixSixEight


Comment by gardenax

Although, apparently eyeliner child can catch when he plays for Essex.

Comment by Miriam

Ah, me lad!! The fab four must be fuming at how they have been made to look like fools. Give them a spinner with no mystery ball and they’ll smash them all over the country. In fact, it might convince them to linger on a little bit longer. After all, Sachin did score 500 runs in just the previous series.

Comment by horatius

[…] by outside my off stump, perhaps I’ll spoon it to point, that’ll show em. Katich gets a two handed HULK SMASH for that písspoor match losing […]

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