Suave's Republique Cricket

I’m a gonna hulk smash.

Morning all.  I trust you are all well?  No, ah, you’re either a The England or a The Sri Lanka fan this morning.  Shit eh?  At least you Sirils have got a hulk smashing win to fall back on, we’ve got sweet fuck all to be happy about here.

The England were shit yesterday, as we were last week, and the week before that.

The England’s selections for yesterday were shit.  Colly, much as I love him, is pure shit at the minute, and should be sent to the glue factory.  Cook and Bell can’t convert, Pietersen can’t stop trying to smash everything through midwicket, even when the ball appears to be moving away from him.  And Vaughan, well fuck Vaughan, the silly cunt.  He can’t score a run for love nor money, and that surprises me!   If there’s one thing that motivates Vaughany it’s money, the rich twat.

But enough analysis (hard hitting journalism again), what I came here to say was this…

Stop praying for clouds you stupid pricks.  Fucking Eyeliner Model himself saying “ooh if there’s clouds, it’ll favour our bowlers, and we might get back into this game”.  They said that during the last test, and we were spanked like naughty public school boys.  There was no cloud for The Saffers, so go about your business expecting a flat pitch, which it is, and put the ball in the right areas, like they did, and stop praying to the cloud god, you fucking baboons.

I’ve finally got myself a job, i’m sure you’ll be pleased to hear.  It’s in Brussels, Belgium.  I’d heard they were suffering a distinct lack of rage, so I thought I’d come visit them, and share mine about.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get into a scrap with Jean Claude Van Damme while I’m there, and show him some moves.

What this means to you dear reader (notice the singular, as you lot are fickle bastards, write nothing for a week, and you search for your rage elsewhere), is that I shall be back on the horse.  Whether I can actually watch any cricket remains to be seen, but I will write about what I read, at least.

Now fuck off back to what you were doing.

14 Comments so far
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Wish you all the best at your new job.

Wonder how a suave fits in with the uncouth Germans. (My knowledge of Belgium is limited to what I learnt from WW II movies.)

Comment by Ottayan

At least Sri Lanka don’t need to win their test to keep their series alive.

Comment by Leg Break

A profound and scholarly summary of Cap’n Vaughan, Suave – and did you see the Indian run rate – 5.20 per over – do you think they’re a bit cross about being 1 down?

Comment by Ceci Masters

Oh yes, Ceci.. They were feeling the wrath, and Sehwagology is back on fire!

Exactly Leggie. We are shit.

Ottayan, The Belgians are boring and french or flemish speaking. They’re more like the Dutch’s boring little brother.

Comment by Suave

Glue factory, lol.

Comment by Rob

Bumble: I might reveal what day it is as the day draws to a climax…


It’s national orgasm day –

Comment by Rob

Genius! Bumble, I worship at your shrine, you funny old bastard!
Thanks for pointing that out Rob.

Comment by Suave

Good luck Old Bean. On a similar note, I am moving back to Bangalore from New Delhi.

Comment by 12th Man

If you don’t make a ‘fail’ out of Jacques Kallis sans off stump, I’ll chin you so hard you’ll bounce straight back off the frigging moon, I swear.

Not really, obviously. I consider you a friend. You should still do it though.

Comment by King Cricket

Thanks 12th Man. Good luck with your move too!

King, coming up dear heart.
I assume that you mean friend as in the, fuck me, I better not meet him kind of friend.,

Comment by Suave

My favourite Belgian is Captain Haddock.

Have a whiskey with him on me Suave.

BTW, I see the Torygraph describes England’s effort today as dreary. That reminded me of something…

Comment by Leg Break

Ah Belgium land of poncy fruit beer!

The Glue Factory it should be – don’t need him back at Durham right now!

Comment by SixSixEight

Why the fuck do The England drop their second best batsman in the entire lineup for a dodgy bits-and-pieces all-rounder out of form and who can’t bowl half as good.

Ya think Pakistan’s got selectorial issues??

Comment by horatius

I didn’t think the terror of the Glue Factory would achieve quite the effect it did! Can you suggest something similar – perhaps with a Guyanese slant for Chanderpants?

Comment by SixSixEight

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