Suave's Republique Cricket

Six word analysis of England – New Zealand test series.

Being a dictator of your own republic, I get to make the rulez.

Six word reviews, for everyone that played more than two tests in the series.  I can’t be bothered with all these shit heads that played one test.

The England

Alastair Cook: Stupid eyeliner wearing dickhead, fucking rubbish.

Andrew Strauss: Wants to play NZ every week!

Michael Vaughan: Looks great at getting himself out

Kevin Pietersen: Scratches around until last game again!

Ian bell: fucking ginger twat.  Suave HULK SMASH!

Paul Collingwood: Time to be put to pasture?

Tim Ambrose: good with gloves, rubbish with bat

Stuart Broad: Too many pies, bats lovely though..

Ryan Sidebottom: Not great, but averaged 20. Bizarre.

Jimmy Anderson: Good, shit, good. Superb in Nottingham

Monty Panesar: One-spell series, superb oop north.

The Old Zealand

Aaron Redmond: Dear lord, this lad is SHIT!

Jamie How: Solid, dependable, not really that good.

Brendan McCullum: Not three, too mental for that.

Ross Taylor: Looks a lovely player. CALM DOWN!

Daniel Flynn: not bad, suspect to short ball.

Jacob Oram: Miserly with ball, 231 runs, somehow

Daniel Vettori: smacked around as skipper, bowled alright

Kyle Mills: good no 8 batsman, bowling rubbish.

Ian O’Brien:  Scares small children, he’s that ugly.

Chris Martin: Bowled cack, Batting is really cack

James Marshall:  Shitter than his brother.  Super shit?

22 Comments so far
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What is it about Trent Bridge and good bowling conditions? Even last summer, we had a bowler’s-dominated Ind vs Eng test.

Comment by 12th Man

Yes, it’s a strange place, supposedly something to do with the micro-climate of the place. It’s been extremely bowler friendly of late, with an average innings score of just over 200.

Comment by Suave

[…] England's cricket team. First the batting, and then the bowling. Suave's is altogether more succinct about the series as a whole. And here's a great take on batsmen taking guard by Gideon Haigh. And an account of […]

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Couldn’t fit in “can’t really hook, great toothy grin” for flynn?

Comment by jrod

no, as I can’t think straight todAay..

good one though, I likes it.

Comment by Suave


This is great, good work. I particularly like your analyses of Ian Bell and Alastair Cook.

So you don’t think Ranga Collingwood can redeem himself?

Comment by Miss Field

No. He should be put down at left to play one day cricket.

He’s too old for five days now. And he’s ginger. And he’s fucking pony right now too!

Comment by Suave

Pony? Is that suavespeak for not up to scratch?

How old is he?

Comment by Miss Field

pony and trap. cockney rhyming slang.

32, he’s younger than i am!

Comment by Suave

Miss Field, pony-and-trap. it’s that there cockney rhyming slang.

Collingwood is 32. A brilliant age, but not so much for interntional sport.

Comment by miriam

Ah yes, rhyming slang.

32 isn’t too old for a test cricketer. He could have another three years left. And anyway, isn’t Vaughan about the same age? He’s doing reasonably isn’t he?

Comment by Miss Field

No, it’s not. But he’s got a dodgy shoulder at the moment, so he can hardly bowl, and I would guess that it’s affecting his batting too. He might be alright if he gets it fixed.
Vaughny’s 2.5 years older, but he’s playing OK. He averaged 46 for the series, but he needs to do better. SA will be more of the same.

The England are now back at no3 in the world!

Comment by Suave

Aw Vaughany is so old. Well, not at all really, but I’ll never get to see him play now.

Haaa are they? Ohh goody.

Comment by Miss Field

Age ain’t nuttin’ but a number…

Cockerney is great. Why say something sensible when you can say it in more words and look like a tosser? Mind you, I play the old apples and stairs myself.

Comment by Spigot

Yes they are missy, I’m getting the design for your t-shirt made up already 😉

Comment by Suave

Surely for Flynn:

Looks solid, but a bit toothless.

Comment by The Atheist

That’s very good Atheist, you win a gold star!

Comment by Suave

Don’t get ahead of yourself. My Graeme won’t let me down.


Comment by Miss Field

Surely the entry for Sidebottom should be “Often angry. Looks like Leona Lewis”

Comment by lentheyorkshirekitman

i think i would have prefered “Stupid eyeliner wearing hobbit, fucking rubbish” for cooky!! and for o’brien-“seemingly obsessed with licking his fingers”

Comment by xxclairexx

Nice Len! I’d never even noticed that before, but won’t be able to look at him in the same light.

How could I forget about the hairy feet xxclairexx! I was in a drunken state yesterday.

Comment by Suave

[…] thanks to Sauve’s Six Word Analysis for the inspiration to give Yorkshire’s 20/20 games the in-depth coverage they so […]

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