Suave's Republique Cricket

That my friends, is a proper days test cricket
March 13, 2008, 10:47 am
Filed under: Cricket, FailCricket, LOLCricket | Tags: , ,

Michael Vaughan, playing down the wrong bloody line again.. Doofus.

Oops, looks like skipper’s done it again! I’ve got to say, that Oram’s delivery was an absolute peach, but fucking hell MV, how many times do you play down the wrong line to one that takes your off-stump? Lots, that’s how many….

The day started brightly, with NZ winning the toss and putting The England in.

Both skippers said that they would have done the same thing, but by the end of the first session, it wasn’t looking like the best decision, and a toss that Vaughan would have been happy to lose.

New Zealand had a reasonable start, with Mills looking much more effective than Coldplay, but it wasn’t until the introduction of Jacob Oram, before things started going their way.

Cook and Vaughan reached a 50 partnership for the fifth time, which is better than any partnership since Tresco was at the top.

In the last two overs before lunch, the Kiwi’s started pitching it a little fuller, and the ball started to zip about a bit more. MV playing and missing off the last two deliveries of an Oram over.

Cook was let off the hook by NZ. The around the wicket policy that they’ve stuck to, like shit to a bears arse, had him moving along quite nicely.

What they need to realise, is that Cook’s defensive technique is suspect, as he get’s too square. Not really a problem when the balls being angled in to you, but really opens the edge up, when it’s being pushed across him..

They must have had a chat about this at the lunch interval, as straight after, they came over the wicket, and had him squared up time and time again, until he gave them the edge, that he so often does.

Two down within three overs, after the lunch break. From 79-0 to 82-2 in no time at all.

Strauss came out and was ineffective, save for a nice straight drive through mid off.

It soon became 3-13 from 9 overs, after Strauss pushed at a tame delivery from Mills, and Sinclair snapped up the easiest catch he’ll have all year.

Pietersen looked twitchy, after his 18 cans of red bull. Bell, however, just looked shit.

He tried to hook his first delivery, but was dropped by Gillespie, who didn’t seem to know where he was.

At this point, I gave up and retired to my boudoir, as Suavey needs his beauty sleep!

As Sports Freak was up and at em, I will let him finish off the day for you…

During all this fidgeting around, Pieterson was getting frustrated, really frustrated. Walking across all 3 stumps, to nurdle it to square leg, front-foot pulls. This was not the same player who circled the wagon-wheels and blocked it for 5 hours, later to claim it was his best innings like he did in Hamilton. It was justice, therefore, when the home side’s resident Anger Man Gillespie cleaned him out. Suddenly England was 136/5.

Then Ambrose arrived, and was probably clocked in the helmet by Angry Man. It was an interesting day for Gillespie; he was clearly the fastest of the NZ bowlers today, and it’s pretty sexy to have your fastest bowler being your first change bowler. The great Australian sides of recent years had McGrath and the other Gillespie probing away for the first few overs before unleashing Lee. Only problem here is that Angry Mark is no Lee. The 4 byes that ballooned over the keeper’s head at the end of the day said it all.

After tea they moved the pitch they used at the start of the day back into place and England, particularly Ambrose, took control. He was good off both feet, made Vettori look like a totally different bowler from last week, and even acted as a positive mentor for Collingwood. In fact the Earl scored almost half as quickly as Ambrose which was positively ballistic compared to last week.

And as stumps approached NZ, under pressure for the first time, started to look ragged.

By the time the new ball, Oram was reduced to lying on the ground between deliveries, stretching, rolling around, and looking generally geriatric. In fact he looked like your classic rich old man we all dream of being who’d just blown a small fortune on a couple of early-20s hookers who’d put him through his paces all afternoon. Sure, he’d had a great day but he was paying for it now.

But then Vettori chucked him the ball, and he decided he wanted more action. It was like he popped another Viagra pill, because he was back doing things the other bowlers were incapable of. And in the final over to Ambrose, strangely nervous in the 90s for an Australian, he induced 4 plays and misses in the final over, ensuring the little bald guy will have a sleep to remember. Lets hope he’s not sharing a room tonight.

For the full article, read here..

Ambrose and Collingwood have got a big day tomorrow, and they both need to push on and make a competitive total, to give our new bowlers a chance to impress.

The Days winners and losers


Tim Ambrose wins our man of the day, for The England.

The Perfect Boyfriend, Jacob Oram wins it for New Zealand.

The Sky Pie, must have it as 2 sessions to 1, for The England


Daniel Vettori and the NZ bowlers. This is for the constant whining about the ball. You fucking picked it, you play with it. Complaining after every other delivery, that it’s out of shape, when the ball is less than ten overs old, is your own fucking fault. Good on Rudi Koertzen for telling them where to stick it.

The Englands top 5. Again, they got in, and got out. Not good enough, and they all need to score big in the second innings, or one of them will definitely be replaced by Shah. Four out of five of them got in to double figures. Three of them made at least 30. Not fucking good enough.

The Englands top 5, again. When did Jacob Oram, become the most unplayable bowler in world cricket? This isn’t fucking McGrath or Malcolm Marshall. This is a medium pace trundler, who put the ball in good areas.

JDP Oram 22 10 25 2 1.13 (2nb)

Great figures, but come on, I could have scored at more than a run a ball against him!!!

Tomorrow, will be an interesting day.  The weather is set fair for five days, the breeze is minimal for the third most windy city in the world, and the pitch looks as though it will be great for batting until day three.

11 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’d go more with a “mediocre fail” on that one. The look on his face is priceless.

Comment by Miss Field

Yeah. That’s the picture I had in my mind, whilst listening to Vaughan’s FAIL on TMS.

Comment by The Atheist

It was a cracking “Fail”..

It’s never mediocre with MV, he always looks so techinically perfect when he gets out!

And the fact he does it, at least once per Series, it is now EPIC FAIL!

Comment by Suave

on serious note…for an opener he doesn’t seems to know where his off stump is…its a serious flaw to have…by this count you will see more of this type of dismissals…

Comment by straight point

True enough.. He was a stride too short, in his defensive shot, which showed by the extra step he took while the bails were flying.

Both MV and AC need to work on their offstump awareness, as cook is playing at deliveries two feet outside off-stump.
Cook needs to learn to play straight, and Vaughan seems to be going to far back, and not far enough across…

Comment by Suave

I also love the look on his face. He’s all “o noes! i iz failed!”

Comment by Miriam

Brilliant Mims, maybe if I get a minute, i’ll do a Lolcricket, as well as the fail..

Comment by Suave

I don know, I think his face is more of a “CORR, THAT WAS A JAFFA”. Then he probably went to prod the devious pitch a bit.

Comment by The Atheist

may be he is suffering from what in cricketing term is called ‘blind spot’ and that could be the reason his is not picking the straight ones pitched up…reacting late…and missing line…

a little open stance with more awareness of off stump will help i guess…

Comment by straight point

And it was a cracking delivery The Atheist, if only he’d taken a slightly bigger stride, instead of trying to show us how technically correct he is, we wouldn’t laugh at him so!

Comment by Suave

Yes, a ball that starts straight and then, totally unexpectedly, goes straight on is indeed devilishly difficult to fend off.

Comment by The Atheist

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