Suave's Republique Cricket

First Test Preview: New Zealand Versus The England
March 4, 2008, 3:30 pm
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: ,

New Zealand and The England effectively begin a six-Test series in Hamilton on Wednesday.

Seddon Park hosts the first of three five-day matches on Kiwi soil, before they all hop on a boat to the northern hemisphere: Not six weeks after leaving the green and lush pastures of New Zealand, both sides meet again at Lord’s (Where I intend to get rather drunk, and will hopefully provide live updates), Old Trafford and Trent Bridge.

The England need to win in both New Zealand and back home, to save Suave from the embarrassment of having to go to a test match wearing an “I Love Greame Smith” T-shirt.

No-one deserves that, not even little old me.

Due to injuries, and The Evil ICL, both Flintoff and Shane Bond will be missing. Two 90 mph bowlers, who are both gooder than you, will be missing, which really is a crying shame.

New Zealand will still have the luxury of five bowlers, which includes two all-rounders in Jacob Oram and the captain Daniel Vettori as well as four specialist bowlers.

Jacob Oram averages 80odd with the bat in Seddon Park, and 22.5 with the ball.

That’s scary good, and I hope he’s feeling a little under the weather when this test comes about!

In the same venue, Daniel Vettori averages 40 something with the bat, and 33 with the cherry.

New Zealands weakness is in the batting line up, more specifically in the top five.
Badonkadonk Ryder is the highest profile casualty on an injury list that also includes, two meter Peter and Michael Mason;

The Black Caps didn’t make more than 200 in four innings in South Africa late last year, although The England don’t have Dale Steyn on fire, scaring the shit out of the batsmen.

Unfortunately, we have someone who should be as good, but alas, no. Harmison has turned into a big fucking pussy cat, who cries for his mum, any time he steps out of “our Green and Pleasant Land”.

The England boasts an uninspiring top order of Cook and Vaughan, althoughn they did have two one-hundred partnerships in Sri Lanka.

If they can continue in that vein, then the likes of Bell, Pieterson and Collingwood, really should make hay.

At the top of the order Wing Commander shoots down Ace Shah for the final batting place. This is purely down to form, and nothing to do with Ace’s attitude, or fielding abilities.  Honest.  Also, any rumours, that Lord Brockett has compromising photo’s of The ECB hierarchy, are unfounded.

Tim Ambrose gets a chance behind the stumps after a remarkable season in county cricket last year. Although it’s worth remembering, that two years ago, he wasn’t good enough to lick Matt Priors boots!

From a bowling perspective Monty Panesar is given a chance to undo his poor run of form, that started against Sri Lanka.

He will be bowling against the best left arm spinner in world cricket, and let’s hope he picks up a little of James Spader’s guile.

Oxymoron Sidebottom is fit to partner Matthew Hoggard (who had a marvellous series last time he visited NZ).

This should be their bag, and hopefully we’ll see the ball hooping round corners.

If Stephen Fleming’s recent run against left arm seamers is anything to go by, Sideshow Bob will have his former captain in his pocket.

Steve Harmison has edged out Stuart Broad for the last quick’s place. He has been poor in the run-up to this test series, but is still taking wickets. In his last outing, he bagged 5-100.

IMHO, The England starts as favourites, but as we’ve seen countless times, they are quite adept at losing test matches, from seemingly un-losable positions..

Neither side looks that capable of taking 20 wickets, so I predict at least one drawn test

Neither side seems to be able to score big any more.

Key men:

New Zealand: Kyle Mills has the job of bolstering the attack in Evil Shane Bond’s absence – He is the only bowler on show, from either side that averages under 30. It surprises me, that none of the other eight frontline bowlers have this, and explains how they have both slipped of late in test match cricket.

The England: Someone needs to get a fucking big score and the best candidate to do so remains Kevin Pietersen. The dirty saffer really needs to play a decisive role in an overdue series victory.


The England will find it tough to break New Zealand down but have the players to win the series.

If they don’t, I’m a coming with a mighty axe, and a very large sword.. And I’m gonna get medieval on they Ass!

12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

It’s I HEART Graeme Smith, with a big red glittery heart-shape. Don’t think you’re getting away with text only.

Comment by Miriam

For the second time today Mims, I moon in your general direction!

Comment by Suave

Sorry, I am being very picky today, I know. I am in a funny mood, not sure why. I must be excited about the Test. Also, I will never tire of the phrase “oxymoron sidebottom”.

Comment by Miriam

Never fear Mims, I enjoy mooning.

me too! And the fact it kicks off at a decent time, means I will be able to get at least two sessions in before work!

Comment by Suave

Before work? It starts at 9.30pm our time. I don’t want to speculate about what kind of work you might be doing in the night.

Comment by Miriam

I meant, before sleep..

Sleep before work.

Comment by Suave

Oh I SEE. Yes, it is indeed at a convenient time. Is there a timezone where tests start at, say, 7 or 8pm? that would suit me the best.

Comment by Miriam

I can’t remember..

It would be grand at that time though, I could work all day, watch a full days play, and still sleep.

I nearly lost my job during the last ashes tour, as I kept missing deadlines. Too many days spent snoozing at home, instead of working!

Comment by Suave

West Coast USA looks to be the best bet. Erm, roll on US test status?

Comment by Miriam

Here’s to it Mims..

I might set up an LA Based cricket club, and become a citizen. I’ll open the batting and captain the US team.

Comment by Suave

Hey Miriam, I think you should make the shirt. In your hands I have no doubt it would turn out to be an exemplary piece of fashion and Suave would sleep with it under his pillow.

I would like to manage the US team. Our headquarters would be a cruise ship, which would be turned into a state-of-the-art training facility, and we could sail instead of fly around the world.

Comment by Miss Field

[…] Zealand were excellent, and my danger man Kyle Mills, proved to be on the money. He now averages 25.58 with the ball, from 10 test […]

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