Suave's Republique Cricket

Blimey O’Reilly, that was a bit of fun.. 360° of fun!

The England kept me up to the early hours today, with a cracking batting performance.

340-6 off 50 overs, was pretty good, but being a The England fan, there’s always a doubt in your mind..

One only has to cast their mind back to this Whupping, to see what I’m talking about..

Mustard looked “hot”, FEC Cook, was cooking with gas.. Then on came badonkadonk, and it was two wickets in two balls!

I was listening to commentary, and had decided Mark Richardson was a smart fella. His synopsis, just prior to those wickets falling, was that if Mustard went first, FIGJAM should come in next, and if Cook went, Bell should come in..

Bell & Cook, bat like test match batsmen when they’re together, yet both open up, with a more attacking player at the other end.

The decision was taken out of their hands, by Ryders wiley dibbly-dobbly’s. The ball that got Cook was pretty clever. He rolled those fat fingers down the seam, and cook was already through the shot, as it took his leg stump…

Bell & Pieterson came out firing, and looked good. Both lads scoring at over a run a ball. Bell though, got himself out to pretty boy O’Brien’s first ball of his second session, which was a little stupid.

Then out strode Captain Colly, to smite the Kiwi’s into the main stand. The Probot, has gone absolutely mental in the last two matches, socring 124 runs off 80 balls, and ending not out, both times. He’s averaging 68.5 for the series so far..

Luke Wright, also provided a decent little cameo towards the end..

Unfortunately, my digital TV provider, decided that right before the first ball was to be bowled in the Kiwi’s innings, they would shutdown.

Which was rather unfortunate. I must say.

Alas, I retired to my boudouir, and expected to wake up to a resounding The England win.

Wrong again, dear Suave!!

It seems I’ve missed the second half of an absolute cracker… Tied ODI’s don’t happen very often, and The England always like to get into the record books for the wrong reasons..

Well done to Jamie How, on a what appears to be a cracking knock. I can’t comment too much, as I never saw it. But anyone with that name, has got to be a cracking fella, great cricketer, and is probably a fair bit suave too..

The last thing to go through my mind, before going to bed, was imagining Colly’s teamtalk.

“Right lads, you’ve just seen what me and the boys have done to their medium-fast bowlers, bowling back of length. Let’s not make the same mistakes, eh! I want you to bowl tight lines, and keep it full and straight. That’s how they got our lads, so no short stuff.

My dreams were full of quick full deliveries, smashing stumps, as the Kiwi’s slogged across the line.

Damn dreams, they rarely come true.

Admittedly, if they had, I would have been in the crowd, having long, loving intercourse with Kate Winslet, whilst The England bowled out the Kiwi’s for 148.

Back to sleep for me I reckon..

Jimmy Anderson, seems to have bowled like a twat AGAIN!! This fella gets my bile duct twitching like a 6am erection.

87 runs off 10 overs, is putting him in the Liam Plunkett, Sajid Mahmood category. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!

Flimstar Broad, bowled a little better, taking 2 wickets, but still went for 75 runs.

Little Luke Wright, who looks like Shane Watson’s smaller brother, had a blinder with the last over. How did he bowl? Full and straight.


19 Comments so far
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I sniggered.

I still am.

Comment by Miss Field

Well that’s good then..

I’m laughing, because if I don’t laugh I’ll cry.

And that would smudge my black eyeliner!

Comment by republiquecricket


Actually that would be really shitty to wake up and find out they tied when it was fair to say they were on track to win. Like, glimpsing sunlight through big black never-ending clouds. I feel for ya.

Comment by Miss Field

It was actually a pleasant surprise, to find we’d tied the match, I honestly thought we’d lose..

What I didn’t know, and I’m sure many others too, was that england have now tied 2 out of 4 ODI’s at Napier..

Seeing as tied results make up 0.86 of all matches played, that’s pretty fucking weird..

Comment by republiquecricket

Must be the art deco.

I don’t mean to be awful, but do you ever think you’ll win? Like when you’re watching the first innings, is the vibe ever good? Because I’d be pretty disappointed if we couldn’t defend 340.

Comment by Miss Field

New Zealand are VERY good at chasing 300 plus scores. They did it three times to you guys last summer.

We are also rubbish at restricting teams when we’ve scored 300.

If we get another bowler like Ryan Sidebottom, who only goes for 40odd, I would start to have more faith.

But jimmy Fucking Anderson, keeps getting smashed.
Broad takes wickets, but is still a little expensive.

Comment by republiquecricket

They should tell Broad they’ll take away his GHD if his economy doesn’t improve. I bet that’d do the trick.

Yeah, now that you mention it, they did beat us. Bastards.

Comment by Miss Field

You could be right..

I’ll have a word with Peter Moores next time I see him!

Comment by republiquecricket

Jamie How?


*shakes head*

Comment by The Atheist

How.. I’ll tell you how..
By James Anderson bowling rank long hops at him all day, that’s HOW!

Comment by republiquecricket

Where is James Dalrymple?

2 overs for the Mascara and 7 for O-wez?

And why did Colly not bowl the South African Mercenary ™ at all?

England are shyte and Colly is wobbly in his head, I tell ya!

Comment by Homer

Homer, you’re bang on!

I reckon colly’s got it just about right with the batting so far, but not with the bowling at all.

KP who started life as an out and out offie, gets put aside for Ace, who bowls pies?

Confusing. And if Wright was only picked to bowl the last over, because he’s good at bowling yorkers, why didn’t he bowl a few more? It’s not as if Jimmy “I’m shit me” Anderson, did any better.

Comment by republiquecricket

Just how many more runs does England need, in order to defend a total?

Comment by Miriam

I see that Selvey is basically claiming this as a win for England. Shades of the David Lloyd there.

From a NZ perspective, it was all going well until Styris got out. It’s so funny to see the bottom fall out of his market value in the IPL Yearling Sales overnight.

Comment by sportsfreak


been meaning to ask you this question for a while now – why is India’s Mr Wright not the Kiwi coach yet?

Comment by Homer


Are you trying to play with our heads with a question like that?

It’s a complex answer, mainly because there is none. So lets go for a positive and negative angle.

Negative: Braces is a control freak who somehow managed to get re-appointed during a handover period of CEOs in June when Sneddon left to mismanage the Rugby World Cup in 2011.

Added to that, there is the niggling feeling that Wright doesn’t actually want the job. He used to coach India so he can basically retire.

Positive: Wright knows he will get the job when he wants so is just biding his time, getting to know the younger players as part of his “high Performance” role, and waiting until the old guard, and the Comical Braces bad blood has gone.

Comment by Sportsfreak

I hope he takes up the job Sportsfreak – he could be the best thing to happen to Kiwi Cricket in a while!
He certainly was, as far as Indian cricket is concerned.

Comment by Homer

[…] like the best swing bowler in world cricket, Harmison took 2-41 off 10 overs, and even Jimmy Anderson, took […]

Pingback by The England, looking alright. « Suave’s Republique Cricket

Nice article, added to favourites

Comment by Alex

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