Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Amjad Khan, Andrew Strauss, Cameron White, Cricket, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, King Cricket, Line and length, Monty Panesar, Owais Shah, Patrick Kidd, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Sherminator, Steve Harmison
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!
Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.
Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs. I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!
So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing? Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing? Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.
I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.
Today is one of those days.
Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers. He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan. Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure.. Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!
He also called for Panesar to go. Too fucking right I say. That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.
Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?
There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion. Either way we win. If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum. If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.
They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid. Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket. He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket. Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark. Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..
Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar. It’s FUCKING GENIUS.
One day I intend to have Alex’s babies (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).
Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated, so that we can bring back Ace. He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike. At least get three blokes who can do that in the side. Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.
Here endeth the rant. Carry on, nothing to see..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, BCCI, Chakh De India, Charlie Brooker, Cricket, ECB, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Greame Swann, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Little master, mahendra Singh Dhoni, Matt Prior, Mohali, Monty Panesar, MS Dhoni, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Steve Harmison, The England, Virender Sehwag, Yuvraj Singh
You little master bater.
One really should have time to process that sort of result, before jumping on tinternet to post, but you know what, fuck it, that’s not my style.
Firstly, congratulations to India, on an unprecedented fourth innings chase on Indian soil. You boys, under that young buck Dhoni, have BALLS OF STEEL!
Secondly, The England, you can all fuck right off, you bunch of jumped up little pissdrips. How the fuck do you lose a game from that position? By being weak cunts, that’s how. I’d like to rip your fucking hearts out, and stamp on them wearing my cricket spikes.
I’m gonna take it easy on three, maybe four people, the rest of you deserve to be HULK SMASHED into oblivion.
Andrew Strauss. You sir, get a slight reprieve, although a good fucking slap is required so you can get a pissing move on! All of the Indian team seemed capable of batting at strike rate of over 50, yet you couldn’t.
Alastair Cook. You mascara wearing little fucktard. Learn to hit over the top, learn to sweep, or piss off and die, you shitting cockface.
Ian Bell. The Sherminator should be sherminated. Get Shah in, and let this ineffectual, whining little snotface rot in the bog of eternal stench.
Kevin Pietersen. The man is a cunt. Can’t bat in the sub-continent (Averages under 30), and needs to learn, fast. I let him off as a skipper, as he does have three bowlers who are too fucking impotent, that even Viagara wouldn’t help em.
Paul Collingwood. Just give it up, please! Too fucking slow, too fucking ugly. As Bumble rightly said “if he was playing outside your house, you’d shut the curtains”. Alas, he has to stay as he’s one of only two or three players who can play in the sub-continent.
Andrew Flintoff. He’s not, and hasn’t been for a long time, a batting all-rounder. He’s a bowling all-rounder, and a fucking good one at that. Move him down to seven, and get Prior in before him.
Matt Prior. A batsmen who keeps, nothing more. I’ll let him off for now.
Greame Swann. Deserves to stay, and along with Fred looked like the only person capable of getting a wicket.
James Anderson. You are shit, utterly shit, you may even be crafted entirely of shit. Grow some balls, or fuck off. You get the full suave smashing.
Steve Harmison. CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. I know, let’s bowl short and wide of off stump to Sehwag, he’ll do fuck all with that.
Monty Panesar. PRICK. PRICK. PRICK. Every time I see this big handed bambi twat, I want a smash an empty beer glass right into his bearded face.
India, here at La Republique, I salute you.
Chakh De India!
Special mention goes to Virender Sehwag, for being a god. Gautam Gambhir, for looking like a ferenghi, but being fucking good with it, Tendulkar, for being un-fucking-believable for so long, and to Yuvraj, for being such a swaggering man cock.
More on India individually later, as they deserve no rage.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, jimmy anderson, Matt Prior, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
How fucking dare they… That’s what I say.
How very dare they have a perfect ODI. Bowl the opposition out for under a hundred and knock off the score for no wickets down. Dirty The English Bastards!
Seriously, I’m happy as a pig in shit. What a performance. Stuart Broad was world class, his line and length were McGrath like, and the boy ran and ran and ran until he looked like he was going to be sick. Then you had Fred & Harmison bowling quick and dangerously at the other end. I’d rather not face that me sen.
The other massive positive was Matt Prior. His keeping was exceptional, and the catch he took away to his left was stunning (if he learns to do that to his right, he’s made). To follow it up with 45no, streaky, but the scorecards don’t say that. Top job foreign wanky wicky.
My only real concern is Jimmy Anderson though. Two games, 8 overs, 44 runs, at 5.5 an over. Carry on like that girly boy, and Suave’s a gonna smash ya!
I’m in all sorts of pain today, slightly less so than yesterday, but still, it’s making me angry. Today’s game, however has made the sun shine brightly. I finished work at 3.30 CET, which was when the game kicked off, I got four beers inside me, and The England have spanked the Saffers. Life is good. It’s difficult to be too angry after all that, but the rage is flowing; by flowing, I mean trickling. A nod is a good as a wink to a blind man, no what I mean?.
A big hello to Spearpoint, and an apology for not answering sooner, but you’re South African and nice, and that has confused me no end 
Now fuck off you ungrateful bastards.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Cricket, England, Ian Bell, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Ryan Sidebottom, South Africa, Steve Harmison, stuart broad, The Broken Family Band, The England, Tim Ambrose
After a pretty abject summer, barely beating New Zealand and losing to South Africa, here is my summer test review.
In it, I decide through Suave’s hulk smash phenomonen, who survives and who feels the pain.
Alastair Cook
Eyeliner escapes a two handed hulk smash, as he actually scored a decent amount of runs. The one handed hulk smash comes about because the Little shithead has forgotten how to get past 60.
Andrew Strauss
full on hulk smash for Wing Commander. Scored nothing until he was under scrutiny again, and to be honest looks shit against all world class attacks. Should be sent to the local boozer to regale young fellows with stories of his heroics in The War. Fucking posh twat.
Michael Vaughan
Nothing to add really, as the straight ball missing, weird mulleted former skipper, seems to have hulk smashed himself. Lucky boy cos he was gonna get it big time!
Kevin Pietersen
New Skipper, top run-scorer, all-round talented fucker. He gets a little David Banner type hug. Keep it up big man.
Ian Bell
Semi smashing again, as the 199 at Lords was a cracking knock. Only two of his test centuries have come in a winning side, and he never scores one without someone above him doing it too, which when you look at our opening pair, is proof enough that he’s no number 3. Not mentally tough enough, ginger, weird snarl thing when concentrating. Fuck it, he’ s convinced me to proper hulk smash him!
Paul Collingwood
Partially redeemed himself with his last two knocks, but gets the full HULK SMASH with extra cheese. Send him to the glue factory. Not good enough, and we need to bed in a young buck. I reckon Adil Rashid or Ravi Bopara should get the nod. Both are excellent fielders, both are decent bowlers and they ain’t too shabby with the bat either.
Andrew Flintoff
I will never hulk smash big lad. I love him, his passion, his lovely wife, his pace, even his woeful foot movement. He can do no wrong.
Tim Ambrose
Fucking hell, I’ve got a family sized can of whupass just for this little shit for brains. This is the worst hulksmashing you’ve ever seen, cars being tossed, huge holes in the ground, and little wanky wicky dying a slow, painful death! Fuck off now. Read and Foster are far superior with the gloves and a bit better with the bat, and Prior is miles better with the bat.
Stuart Broad
He’s big, he’s bad, he’s better than his dad. Or at least we hope he is. Bats lovely, bowls OK. Got better as the summer went on, but is no Simon Jones. First change bowlers need to take wickets, and constantly apply pressure, and he’s not doing that yet… I have resisted hulk smashing, but reserve the right to do so at a later date!
Ryan Sidebottom
Not good enough, but still miles better than most of our bowlers. Back problems meant he was farily innocuous towards the end of summer. Should have been dropped earlier for health reasons.
Stephen J Harmison
Still gets the hulk smash I’m afraid. As Duncan Fletcher said, you’ve got to take wickets in your first spell (he was unlucky, with eyeliners drop but…). His strike-rate was over 60, which when compared to Dale Steyn, South Africa’s premier quick, is nearly twice as bad. Hulk Smashed until his brain works properly and he can continuously hulk smash batsmen himself!
James Anderson
The wee man has done me proud this summer. Good consistent bowling, excellent fielding, and some decent lower order batting to boot. This is the first time in years that I actually don’t want to hurt him, which is nice. Cuddles all round.
Monty Panesar
SMASH! Fuck off Monty until you learn to bowl an arm ball or a doosra. Not good enough and India will dismantle him again this winter, followed by ‘Straya spanking his arse all next summer. I will be a little easy on him, in that The England don’t have a specialist spin bowling coach, so he pretty much has to do it on his own. All I want from you is some effort, as The Broken Family Band once sang. Learn to bowl another delivery, keep trying to learn to bat, and get a little confidence man, you’re a Sikh Warrior, recall your ancestors triumphs, bring forth the rage your fellow Sikhs felt after Operation Blue Star. Something, anything, you fucking boring twat!
Check back soon for a six word review of both sides!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20-20, 20/20, Chris Tremlett, Cricket, Fat Head, fatheadflattrackbully, Greame Smith, IPL, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mark Ramprakash, Matthew Hayden, Matthew Hoggard, Monty Panesar, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage. I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.
Matthew Hayden. This goes without saying.
Greame Smith. For wanting to be Hayden.
Steve Harmison. For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.
Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.
Jimmy Anderson. For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.
Stuart Broad. For believing his own hype.
Monty Panesar. For being a starfish.
The England Selectors. For not picking Adil Rashid.
The England Middle Order. For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.
Mark Ramprakash. Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!
Steve Harmison today had this to say..
“We have a culture in England where we kick people when they are down. They like to have a pop at someone and at the minute it’s my turn.”
What fuckhead has failed to pick up on, is that we’re kicking him, because he gets paid shit loads of money to scare people and take wickets with his fast bowling. If he were to do this, instead of being a whiny little fuckwit, no-one would bag him at all.
Alas no, he just can’t help himself. They’re all picking on me, It’s not fair, boo fucking hoo.
To you sir, I say…
FUCK OFF KNOBCHEESE!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, England, james anderson, Matthew Hoggard, New Zealand, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
Harmison and Hoggard have both been dropped for the second test. This is brilliant.
I’m not a huge fan of Jimmy Anderson, as you may have learned. However, I really do think there needs to be a culling, after a performance as abject as the first test.
The two models will provide a bit of hunger to the bowling line up, and can’t be any worse than the two H’s. (I look forward to having this rammed back down my throat, when they prove to be just as shit).
Unfortunately, there is no change to the batting line up.
Shah continues to upset people, by his very presence. He’s got to have been caught fucking one of the selectors wives, cos the boy has done nothing wrong, yet keeps being overlooked.
I would have dropped Strauss myself. Collingwood shouldn’t be too far from the chopping block either, after scoring 2 off 50 balls.
The good news for The England, is that the pitch looks like a green top, which should suit our batting and bowling line up.
Let’s hope that we get a decent start, and can finally apply some pressure to the Kiwis, instead of wilting like a bunch of old flowers.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Daniel Vettori, England, Kevin Pieterson, Matthew Hoggard, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, New Zealand, Ross Taylor, Steve Harmison
So, my next prediction is that New Zealand will win this test. (a bit of reverse nostradamusing there). As every prediction I’ve made about this test is wrong, I trust this one will be too.
On to more pressing matters.
The England, are a beautiful bunch of guys.
They are in no way a big bunch of useless C*nts, that I’d like to smash into the ground with a pile driver.
Especially not Stephen J Harmison. He’s the one I love most. He’s not a useless halfwit, who deserves to be put down.
And I’m, not going to get medieval on the Yeoman, who seems to have turned into the worst bowler in world cricket over night. He’s returned to the 2003 ashes tour form, that saw him smashed every where.
Not going to hulk smash the montser for only taking 1/101. I know he contained well, going for less than 3 an over, but I am in no way suggesting he be dropped for the home tests, and to bring in young buck.
I really don’t fancy chopping Alastair Cook into little pieces, and feeding him to sharks with lasers. No sireee.
The people who are in my goodish books at present, are Kevin Pieterson. About time he used his offspin to good effect.
Pietersen 55.5 14 141 4 (2nb)
These figures were against The England in 1999/2000, he got the wickets of Atherton, Hussain, Vaughan & Chris Adams.
He’s no mug with the ball, and I’m not sure why they don’ t use him more.
Oxymoron is also there, for taking 4 wickets, and keeping the run rate down, whilst all his fast bowling colleagues bowled pies.
Colly, for not wobbling, and taking two important wickets.
And Vaughan, but only for his batting. He looked bereft of ideas when in the field and got lucky with KP & Colly.
A word about New Zealand…
Ross Taylor’s innings was sublime.. Some absolutely dreamy cover and square drives.
Vettori was magnificent also, and should have got a 100, the way he lofted Panesar over long on, was beautiful. He’s averaging over 60 this year in test cricket. Not bad for a number 8!!
Remember, I’m all peace and love.
So there will be no hacking the lads in my “I’m disappointed with you” list to bits with a machete.
Not on your nelly!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Brendan McCullum, Cricket, Daniel Vettori, England, Jamie How, New Zealand, paul collingwood, Ross Taylor, Ryan Sidebottom, Steve Harmison
I really hope that headline doesn’t come to bite me on the arse!!
After a proper piece of cricket journalism, for the preview yesterday, don’t expect anything like that today!
A late night, made even later by a screaming child an hour after I eventually got to sleep, has left my brain as mush.
It started badly for The England, with no wickets while the ball was swinging.
Not that they bowled poorly, more the pitch was lifeless.
How and Bell started very slowly, but after seven overs, picked up the pace. They had soon put on 40 for the opening partnership. which while not exactly setting the world alight, is eight higher than NZ’s average opening pair.
On came Gormless, and showed why he was once considered to be the worlds finest bowler..
His second over went a little something like this..
A slowish ball (at this stage, all he had was slow, slower or slowest), on the stumps and defended
A slow, over-pitched shocker which was rightly smashed to the cover boundary
A rank wide long hop, that was smashed up and over slips, to the third man boundary
Then came the piece de resistance: A rubbish wide delivery, that was too full, and lacked pace. Bell however had got his eye in, and was seeing the glory. He chased at it, with little or no foot movement, and slashed it straight to Cook at gully.
After that he returned to his normal greatness.
Oxymoron Sidebottom had a very good day, taking 2-39 and going for less than 2 an over.
The best moment of the day, was seeing Fleming looking incredulously, as his slash through the gully region, was picked out of nowhere by Eyeliner boy himself, FEC Alastair Cook.
A stunning catch, and a great day all round in the field for Cooky.. Three catches, two of which, were absolute corkers.
Collingwood had a good day also, taking 1/16, with a great caught & bowled. He followed this up with a sharp slip catch, to get rid of Sinclair off Panesar.
Hoggard has upset me today, the yeoman, so steady and reliable. was spanked around for nearly five an over. In the same number of overs as Sideshow bob, he went for nearly 60 runs more.
Come on the Hoggster, don’t join my “I’m a little disappointed with you” list, it’s no place to be, i can tell you!
New Zealand really should have done better. How, started brightly, and should have got a century, McCullum should have reigned himself in a little.
The plus points for NZ are that Taylor & Vettori are both in, and this will give them a chance to go on to post a decent total.
But I’m in it for the win it.
Prediction for todays play
The England, to bowl ‘em out early, and put themselves in to a strong first innings position.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Strauss, Chris Tremlett, England, Kevin Pieterson, Ryan Sidebottom, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
Andrew bloody Strauss, failed miserably, AGAIN!!!
Unfortunately, so did everyone else, bar Kevin Pieterson who scored 50 of The Englands total of 131.
131 against a team of also-rans, never will be’s, and Iain O’Brien.
Fucking shit, that.
Then we come to the enigma that is Stephen J Harmison.
I’ve decided that I’m going to cut his fucking hands off, and mail them to his wife and four kids.
Shit heap, wanker. The man can’t bowl anymore. Give it up Steve, fuck off home to your missus, and let someone who has a radar have a go.
That said, Tremlett wasn’t much better.
Look’s like it should be pretty boy Broad. At least he’ll look like he’s trying.
Also, let’s pray to WG Grace that Ryan Sidebottom is fit before the first test.
I woke up in a bad mood today, and this is making me angrier than hell.
I bought tickets to the first test against New Zealand at Lords yesterday, and for the last test against South Africa at The Oval, and I feel like burning them all.
Time for a coffee and a calm down, me thinks!
