Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, Matthew Hayden, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, The England
Symonds crying like a baby.
If there’s one fella The England didn’t want to have to face this year, for The Ashes, it was Andrew Symonds.
We hate him, because he’s good. He loves to smash a Pom.
In the last ashes series, Symonds came good in test match cricket. The England had fuck all on the board, in the 4th test, and Australia started their 1st innings, trying to get an imposing lead. Suddenly Freddie fired up, and The England had Australia at 83/5. In came Symonds, and along with OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, destroyed The England. They put on 279 at over 4rpo, and destroyed any hopes of gettting a consolation win.
So we salute you ‘Strayan administracats, for sending the ginger in his place.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: bryce mcgain, Insane McGain, Matthew Hayden, Sehwagology, Virender Sehwag
As I’m too busy to do owt like, I thought I’d pass these beauties on for you.. After visiting Watching You Poop, I thought I’d do a little one or two for you kids, just to let you know that Suave is always watching, even if he can’t always find the angry times.
He's got his eyes on your toilet habits!
He is all seeing!
I've got my eye on you sunshine!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, australia, boxing day test, Brad Haddin, Brett Lee, Cricket, Matthew Hayden, MCG, melbourne, Michael Clarke, Mike Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Nathan Hauritz, Peter Siddle, Ricky Ponting, Simon Katich, South Africa
Strayan conquerers!
It’s official. Australia are now only average as a cricketing side.. They’ve had their pants pulled down and been spanked by an abusive father. It hurts kids, but get used to it! This is what being a The England fan is all about!
The reasons for their collapse are many. They lost two champions in McGrath & Warne, and any side would struggle after losing them. They also seem to be moving into the old The England selection mentality, by chopping and changing players in the same way Zsa Zsa Gabor changes husbands.
Here is my in-depth, hard-hitting, journalistic reasoning for the current series loss.
Hayden is old and fucking stupid, so deserves to burn in the fiery depths of hell.
Katich should probably be captain, and remember to stop chasing really wide ones.
Punter needs to concentrate on his batting, it’s the only thing the boy does well. He’s a fucking useless captain.
Hussey should be replaced by his brother, until he remembers how to score runs.
Pup Clarke to move up the order, and stick as vice captain.
Andrew Symonds is a prize cock and needs to fuck off and get fit, both physically and mentally.
Brad Haddin, one thinks, should have a long look at himself, and realise it’s not Adam Gilchrist in the reflection. Stop it you fucking cud chewing cowcock.
Brett Lee. Shoot the damn dog. Shit, shit, shit.
Mitchell Johnson is their only decent bowler at present, and needs to be left as a shock not stock bowler.
Nathan Hauritz is not good enough to trouble the North Midd 4th XI, so why he’s playing for the “Number One” side in the world, I’ll never know?!
Peter Sizzle wants to spend a season playing first class cricket for Victoria. Has real potential, but no way near enough experience..
Their is a bleak outlook for Australia for the near future. I predict a three nil drubbing at home, and am pretty confident, that they’ll win fuck all in South Africa. Not the best preperation for an ashes tour.
Check back later for my appraisal of the South Africa side, and Suave’s Suavest 2008 XI.
UPDATE!
After reading mediawatch, the daily news column of Football365.com, I found something to delight me further, even though I feel like dog turd.
Australia: Their Year In Sport
Rugby Union: Beaten in September’s Tri-Nations final.Rugby League: Beaten by New Zealand in September’s World Cup final – a shock result described as the ‘most significant upset in the history of international rugby league’.
Cricket: Beaten in India and then on home soil by South Africa – their first series defeat in Austraila for 16 years.
Olympics: Even beaten by Great Britain.
It’s gone well then!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: australia, Brett Lee, Cricket, fatheadflattrackbully, J P Duminy, Jason Krezja, Matthew Hayden, Mike Hussey, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Peter Siddle, Ricky Ponting, South Africa, WACA
See how we slay all before us!
Have that you fuckers!!
After correctly predicting that Australia were piss-weak pansies (for those who don’t recall, it’s here.)
The Saffers proved how strong they are mentally, to defeat the Aussies, and chasing 414 in the fourth innings. This is the second highest run chase of all time. Pretty fucking good I’d say.
This brings me to Ricky Ponting. Here’s some stuff others have written about the hairy little cockstick. Jrod from the ever brilliant Cricket With Balls had this to say “Excuse me Ricky“.
Also, take a look over at Beer & Sport, where Moses is in the mood for a fight too!
What a prize cunt!
Firstly, he blamed the pitch. Boo fucking hoo, the pitch was rubbish eh.. How come them dirty saffers could take 20 wickets on it? Prick.
- Maybe it’s because between you, Probot and OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, you’ve only scored 56 runs in six innings.
- Maybe it’s picking two blokes with little or no first class experience, then putting them in against the two best sides in world cricket. You’re honestly surprised that these fella’s didn’t bowl teams out?! Fuck off dicksuck.
- Maybe it’s because Brett Lee is weeping himself to sleep because his ex-wife is rooting someone with a bigger cock. (I reckon your wife is too!)
- Maybe it’s because you’re the worst captain in world cricket, and you’re finally being shown up for the half wit you really are.
All I can say is, there ain’t much love out there for you kid, so watch your back.. Know what I mean!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Bangalore Royal Challengers, Chennai Super Kings, Cricket, Dimitri Mascerhanas, Ian Bell, ian chappell, IPL, match fixing, Matthew Hayden, Michael Vaughan, Peter Moores, Ricky Ponting
Matthew Hayden: Great flat-footed grizzly bear. As Charlie Brooker once said Spirituality’ is what cretins have in place of imagination
. That sums the oaf up perfectly.
Peter Moores: Stop fucking smiling you buck toothed twat. Glass half full bollocks, you win this series, then smile. Until then I want a miserable bastard, who looks like he’s going to set fire to the next batsman not to score a ton, or bowler to take a five fer.
Match Fixing: THere’s no way on earth that Chennai Pikey Fags should have lost yesterday. Some fucker’s fixed that.
Michael Vaughan: Smug twat. I could understand being so smug if your average was near the fatheadflattrackbully’s. BUT IT’S NOT!! YOU AVERAGE 42.96! Fucking hell man, and it drops since you’ve been skipper.
Ian Bell. You’re ginger, now fucking live with it. No-one believes that you’re strawberry blond, you Miserable molecule of mildew
Ian Chappell: What a boring rent-a-quote prick.
Ricky Ponting: The real reason you didn’t wear your baggy greens in the tour match, was because you were paid more for not wearing it. SToP fucking lying.
Dimitri Mascheranas: Oh you honourable c*nt. You’ll stay with your contracted county, where you’re the CLUB CAPTAIN, by the way. Instead of sitting in a dug out in India. Oh god bless you, dear child! You shit house fuckwit.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20-20, 20/20, Chris Tremlett, Cricket, Fat Head, fatheadflattrackbully, Greame Smith, IPL, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mark Ramprakash, Matthew Hayden, Matthew Hoggard, Monty Panesar, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Steve Harmison, stuart broad
IPL.. Fucking hurry up and get to the semi-final stage. I’m fucked off with watching stupid Kallis and Dravid pretend they aren’t ancient.
Matthew Hayden. This goes without saying.
Greame Smith. For wanting to be Hayden.
Steve Harmison. For breaking Hoggy’s thumb.
Chris Tremlett. For looking like he should kill people, but being a meek and mild twat.
Jimmy Anderson. For being a useless twat for four balls an over, and looking great the other two.
Stuart Broad. For believing his own hype.
Monty Panesar. For being a starfish.
The England Selectors. For not picking Adil Rashid.
The England Middle Order. For not scoring any runs, and looking far too comfortable.
Mark Ramprakash. Fucking hurry up and score that century, so we can all move on. Please!!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: australia, Chennai Super Kings, Cricket, fatheadflattrackbully, IPL, Knack, Matthew Hayden, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, west indies
In the nicest bit of news I’ve heard in days, FatheadFlatTrackBully aka BearlikeOrphanEatingFuckHead aka Matthew Hayden, is unlikely to play in the first test at Sabina Park versus the West Indies, due to achilles tendon knack.
Wankchops picked this injury up whoring himself for the Chennai Pikey’s Fags, in the IPL. Serves him right, the odious twAT.
As you can probably tell, I’m back from mountain climbing (knacked from it too), so will crank up the work rate, whilst I can, as I’m also job hunting.
Love to all, except FatHead.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, county cricket, Cricket, durham, IPL, Jim laker, lancashire, Matthew Hayden, old trafford, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Seam, Somerset, Spin, Swing, The Oval
Recently I was moaning about 20/20, and the fact that it can make ordinary players look good.
My reasonining, is that the pitches have all been made flat as pancakes, and thre is little to offer for the bowlers. No real spin, swing or seam. This allows bludgeoners to look good, as they can just smash through the line of the ball. They had one pitch that turned square and seamed, and all of the players called it a joke. Wankers. Can you honestly imagine someone like “The Bearlike, Orphan Eating, Fuckhead“, playing Jim Laker on an uncovered Old Trafford or The Oval? THat fucker wouldn’t average any where near as much as he does now.
In county cricket yesterday, five matches were played, and 64 wickets were taken.
It was a glorious day, all over The ENgland. The sun was shining, the weather was sweet, boy, makes me want to move, those dancing feet, to the rescue, here I am!
What the batsman failed to take into account, was that most pitches had enough juice in them, to make it very difficult. Too many players were undone, by seam and swing. On pitches like ours in The England, you need to expect it to move off the pitch and through the air!
Unfortunately, it seems that batsman have missed out on this playing straight, or playing late lark, and are being constantly exposed.
In Lancashire’s innings yesterday, they were all out for 143, on a pitch that wasn’t that bad. All 10 wickets were catches. You’d think that the Durham players would have had a look at the way the Lancs batsman played, and adjusted accordingly. Alas no, they were fuckwits too, being bowled out for a miserable 114.
Somerset were similarly shit yesterday.
If the ball swings, seams or spins, most international players look ordinary. Bring back juicy pitches, and make the fuckers learn to play properly!
Filed under: Cricket, Misdirection, Photography, quiz | Tags: Cricket, David Barry, Matthew Hayden, pappubahry, quiz
As winner of the first ever six word quiz, David Barry from Pappubahry gets a made up picture.
This picture represents Matthew Hayden, the bear-like, orphan eating, f*ckhead, and his aversion to the swinging ball.
Much like most bearlike biffers, they are great at playing through the line, on pitches with little movement. When it starts to swing, whether reverse or normal, they get scared of the little pussy cat.
That my friend is art.
F art.
Filed under: Cricket, language | Tags: Clive Lloyd, Greame Smith, Matthew Hayden, Simon Lister
Suave’s first ever book review..
And a cricket one to boot..
First a word about the writer, Simon Lister. I think he has pulled together, a superb book, and his writing style is bang on.
He somehow manages to make a cricket biography, both detailed enough for your average anorak, and refreshing enough for any one with a passing interest in cricket or Clive Lloyd, to devour. A job well done.
Clive Lloyd was one of the first cricketers, I had a real hero worship for. His batting was both sublime and destructive. He could turn his arm over, when needed, and for such a big man, he was lightening in the field.
The man was also a great leader, a role model for anyone, no matter creed, caste, colour or religion, and a man who will be long remembered.
This is a man, who nearly lost his eyesight as a child; who was nearly paralysed after landing awkwardly whilst fielding, and came out of it all, as the best captain and one of the truly great cricketers, the West Indies has ever seen.
This book has restored my faith in the human race.
Simon Lister deals with the subjects of slavery and race, sensitively and thoughtfully. And at this juncture, I will re-produce a quote from the book, that has turned Suave from an angry little fuckstick, in to a loving human being.
“I Will sit down and talk to anybody over a drink, on any subject. If someone is racist, I see it as a triumph of the unintelligent. One thing I do know: I don’t have a racist bone in my body. And I will not compromist when it comes to racism. I dislike it intensely and will fight against it any time for a white guy or a black guy. That’s how I am. Cricket has done this to me because I’ve played when I’ve been the only black guy in the team; I’ve captained sides and been the only black man there. So it has taught me a lot, and I cannot be racist. I respect every colour, every class, every creed, every religion. I make no apology for that. The white guy, the black guy, the asian guy. We all have a right to feel prod of who we are
“I can’t change who I am. I am a person has never seen colour; I see human beings. Cut me and my blood will be the same colour as yours. I am a citizen of the world”.
This sums the man up beautifully, and makes me want to be a better person.
And one last quote, before I wrap up, to further show, the idealogy, and heart of a truly majestic human being.
“I think, to be happy, a man has to free his heart from hatred; he has to free his mind from worries; he has to live simply, give more and expect less…”
To show how this has affected my very soul, I present my homage to two men, who I no longer hate, dislike, detest or abhor.
Thank you Clive Lloyd.
