Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket | Tags: epic fail, Fail, fail boat, fail cricket, fail pictures, failboat, india, Lords, odi, The England, west indies, yorkshire, Yorkshire CCC
Play is abandoned for the day after heavy rain this morning..
That my friends is fucking wank.
Yorkshire CCCCCCC have spent £600,000 on a drainage system, that after 3hrs of sunshine didn’t work well enough to allow any play today.
I’ll tell you why this is shit.
Lords, 2007, The England v India.
I went to this match, I can’t recall which day mind, but I remember everything else vividly.
I alighted the tube at Regents Park and started walking across the park in the direction of the home of cricket.
Halfway across the park, it started raining. Luckily I had waterproofs and an umbrella with me. I quickly ducked under a tree for cover, and put my waterproofs on (these are mountainy-goretexy, top of the rangy shizzle), and carried on. By the time I’d got to the other side of Regents Park, my golfing umbrella had snapped through the sheer volume of rain that fell. No wind, just pure volume of water broke the spokes, and the umbrella was fucked.
I pulled my hat out of my bag, pulled the hood of my waterproofs off, and continued towards Lords.
It’s no more than a 1mile walk from Regents Park to Lords, and in that time, the rain was so torrential, that there were three foot deep puddles on St John’s Wood Road. Cars were struggling to get through, because of the depth of the puddles. The drainage system was overflowing, to such an extent that people were starting to fear for their houses.
It was fucking terrible, monsoon like. As I got to the gates, I was completely and utterly soaked. Not 1cm of my body was not completely drenched. And I was properly attired.
I went to the pub to wait for the rain to stop, as there was no chance of getting a taxi, and the pub was dry. It rained for just over an hour, and everyone in the pub agreed, that there would be no chance of play…
I ventured into the rain, and managed to get a cab driver to take me home, so I could change.
That whole process took no more than an hour and a half. By this time the sun was out, but I didn’t hold much hope for any play, so switched on the box to get the latest updates.
What happened next left me completely fucking flabbergasted. Just after lunch, play had started, and I’d only been gone an 1.5hrs….
The drainage was so good, that with just over 2hrs of sunshine, play was able to commence.
Fuck you Yorkshire CCC, and the horse you rode in on. That’s how drainage should work, not your £600,000 fuck up.
The moral of the story? Never trust northerners, the workshy bastards!!
Filed under: Cricket, Misdirection | Tags: Cricket, Daniel Vettori, india, Mclean Park, Napier, New Zealand, Sehwagology, Virender Sehwag
Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting...
How do you get rid of Lord Sehwag, when he’s in great nick?
Ask Daniel Vettori, The Geek of Tweak! According to this photo, it’s Kung Fu.
If you wanna bring down the big man, get the auld Bruce Lee skills out.
Danny V obviously has the skillz to pay the billz, and got Our Lord with some martial art madness!
So bowlers of the world, get down to your local Dojo’s and get training. It’s the only way!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: australia, Australia Day, india, Michael Clarke, Mitchell Johnson, odi, South Africa, Test
You're shit and you know you are etc...
This hasn’t been the best start to a summer for ‘Straya, has it boys and girls?
Beaten in India, beaten in the test series by South Africa, and now beaten in a home ODI series by the Saffers again (they haven’t won the major home ODI series for three years now!) .
This my friends is fucking fantastic. The rest of the world are pointing at you, and laughing like Nelson.
This is how us mere mortals feel most of the time.
So where did it all go wrong?
To be honest every where. The commentators on Channel 9, were discussing the Allan Border Medal, which is coming up soon, and were trying to think who could win the medal.
Michael Clarke and Mitchell Johnson were the only two names they could come up. How often does that happen, when the most biased commentary team in world cricket, struggles to think of more than two players to win the awards.
They’ve got no spinner. They’ve only got one quality quick, with a couple of emerging ones. The top order has been terrible in both forms of the game.
If I was a selector, I’d have Ricky Ponting back to the ranks and pick someone who can actually captain a side, without having to have a management conference every three balls.
Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 4.30am.
WE LAUGH AT LOUD YOU!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, india, Virender Sehwag
Spread the word Children, and you shall live forever!
To create your own posters, to spread the love, visit here..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, Hunter S Thompson, india, Virender Sehwag
Hello small children of loveliness, Suave here..
I saw something today that reminded me of our beloved leader Viru..
I have decided to post it, for your pleasure too!
This is how to live forever, fuck all that "love thy neighbour bollocks!"
This is how we need to roll! I already roll this way, which is why Suave will never die. Join us, and you too, shall be immortal!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, india, Sehwagology, Virender Sehwag
Thanks for all your kind words, you lovely little lumps of lusciousness. Suave is feeling a bit sick now, so will hopefully be back on form tomorrow. Here’s a little something to whet your appetites.
After seeing this over at cackinfo it inspired more love for the one true god!
Hit out or get out!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: England, india, Left Arm Spin, Monty Panesar, Paul Harris, South Africa
Paul Harris is currently better than Monty Panesar..
Discuss..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: England Cricket, india, Jamish Singh Dorma, Monty Panesar, The England
I used to be a spinner you know! 30yrs man and boy..
Our Indian Correspondant Jamish Singh Dorma, recently caught up with Monty Panesar to discuss the recent pressure he’s been getting from the press..
JSD: Monty, why are you a shithouse, useless fuckduck when it comes to bowling in the fourth innings?
MP: It is unfair to say I have a problem bowling teams out in the fourth innings, yes I was unable to make an impact on the last day in Chennai and I was very disappointed with myself, but to me that is the first time it was happened and I was up against a true masterclass from one of the greatest batsmen who has ever lived in Sachin Tendulkar.
People talk about me being unable to dismiss South Africa at Edgbaston last summer but remember I should have had Graeme Smith given out on that final day.
I have taken wickets in the last innings at Old Trafford and Durham and in New Zealand.
JSD: But you average over 35 in the fourth innings, compared with a career average of 32. Something’s not happening in the last innings. Are you a piss weak pansie?
MP: No, I’m not a bloody South African you know! Look at the majority of spinners who have taken Test wickets and you will see that they acquire their full range of skills when they are older than me. I’m convinced spinners don’t peak until they are around 30.”
JSD: So why don’t you fuck off until you are 30? Surely that makes sense?!
At this point, Panesar ran off crying, screaming out “Vaughany, Vaughany, I miss you so!”
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Amjad Khan, Andrew Strauss, Cameron White, Cricket, Ian Bell, india, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Kevin Pietersen, King Cricket, Line and length, Monty Panesar, Owais Shah, Patrick Kidd, paul collingwood, Sachin tendulkar, Sherminator, Steve Harmison
Don't tell anyone, but I'm shit in the subcontinent!
Can’t bat in the subcontinent, and plays with a fractured rib.
Surely that would restrict your movement somewhat, I know it did when I broke my ribs. I couldn’t move at anywhere near full capacity for months!
So what is the stupid saffer halfwit doing playing? Did no-one think that it might be a bad thing? Fuck off you stupid grinned cockmunch.
I do despair sometimes, and at other times I feel like hulk smashing.
Today is one of those days.
Patrick Kidd over at Line & Length calls for the replacement of one of the useless fucking knobend opening bowlers. He reckons we should replace Jimmy “I’m a wet fucking Blanket” Anderson or Stephen “I’m a weak in the head wanker” Harmison, with Amjad Khan. Obviously Patrick was much nicer in his words, but the sentiment was the same I’m sure.. Back to the Danish wunderkind Amjad, the boy is pretty quick, he can reverse swing the ole nut, and he can’t be any fucking worse than them other two shitforbrains (I say that without ever seeing bowl a first class delivery)!
He also called for Panesar to go. Too fucking right I say. That bucket handed bambi twat needs to disappear for a long time.
Why not send the idiot to Australia for club cricket for the rest of their summer?
There he’ll have to learn some guile, or he’ll be smashed into oblivion. Either way we win. If he gets smashed into oblivion, he quits and takes up some IT job in Brum. If he learns his craft, we have a world class spinner back in the ranks.
They’ve got to replace him with my young buck, Adil Rashid. Give him a go, he’ll at least get Tendulkar’s wicket. He loves to give a debutant spinner his wicket. Basically Tendulkar is a Cricket Shark. Give the fella an easy first wicket, they raise their hopes, think that they’ve just got the best batsman in the world out, so they must be a great bowler, then get smashed about for the rest of their career by him, (see Monty Panesar and Cameron White) The sneaky fucker..
Talking of Tendulkar, visit Dear Kingy for his take on Tendulkar. It’s FUCKING GENIUS.
One day I intend to have Alex’s babies (just don’t tell him yet, it’ll be a surprise!).
Lastly, let the Sherminator get Sherminated, so that we can bring back Ace. He’s fucking good in the subcontinent, he’s wristy and the lad can manipulate the strike. At least get three blokes who can do that in the side. Strauss, Shah & Colly are the only proper batsmen who seem to be able to rotate, although Rashid is no mug with the bat either, and as he’s of Asian descent, he must be wristy too.
Here endeth the rant. Carry on, nothing to see..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Amit Mishra, Chakh De India, Chennai, Cricket, England, First Test, Gautam Gambhir, Harbajhan Singh, india, Ishant Sharma, mahendra Singh Dhoni, MS Dhoni, Rahul Dravid, Sachin tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, VVS Laxman, Zaheer Khan
As The Libertines once sang…. My word that was fun, and he did it with his hat on, and a saddle and a gun..
In this case, the saddle was the weight of responsibility on a little man from Mumbai, and the gun, was a massive chunk of willow, that dispatches bowlers with such elegance.
Sachin Tendulkar, we salute you!
It’s also for Sehwag, who reminds me of a cricket bat wielding autistic. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I don’t think he has a clue what he’s doing, but smiles serenely and smashes. Oh Joy!
This was right up there with one of the greatest test matches you’re likely to see.. It had everything, resolute batting, fuck em all, I am a destroyer batting, let’s save my career for the umpteenth time batting, seam bowling masterclasses from one bowler per side, and much more…
A quick review of the individual Indian performances…
Virender Sehwag. One failure, and one outrageous onslaught, god like genius.
Gautam Gambhir. Looks like a world class opening batsman now, and a perfect foil to Viru.
Rahul Dravid. Time to go auld fella, your stock is falling faster than the world financial markets…
Sachin Tendulkar. Simply wonderful.
VVS Laxman. Not his best test with the bat, and he’s still an ‘orrible fielder. Nearly ready for the knackers yard!
Yuvraj Singh. Got mugged in the first innings, by Flintoff & Harmison but he went away and came back much stronger. Was superb alongside Sachin to get them to the finish line with plenty to spare.
M S Dhoni. Fuck he’s got big balls. Superb effort, oh motorcycle man. If there’s any one in world cricket that I would like to trade places with, at the moment it’s this fucker..
H Singh. Good batting in the first innings to give the boys a chance, but fuck he’s rubbish with the ball in India. Also, he needs a proper slap from someone, just shut up you cock!
Zaheer Khan. You sir, are turning into a quality seam bowler. How he still averages over 30 is beyond me..
Amit Mishra. So so effort from the little fella, will get better.
Ishant Sharma. Not his best test by a long stretch. Had some major run-up issues, and gave away too many NB’s. Just didn’t look himself. Maybe it’s the hair cut, maybe he’s Samson in disguise?
