Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, epic fail, Fail, fail pictures, Lords, Ricky Ponting
I don’t think anything else needs to be said here, does it?
Ricky Ponting FAIL!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Cricket, England, Greame Swann, james anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Monty Panesar, Nathan Hauritz, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad
Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews. Australia to come this afternoon.
Andrew Strauss
Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.
Alastair Cook
Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.
Ravi Bopara
Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove
Kevin Pietersen
Look at me, stupid ego cunt.
Paul Collingwood
Gritty street fighter, better than spinners
Matt Prior
looks OK, no smashing just yet.
Andrew Flintoff
Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.
Stuart Broad
Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!
Greame Swann
Worse than Hauritz. One funny fucker.
James Anderson
Batting supremo. Pitch it up, wanker!
Monty Panesar
Too quick, no variation, soon gone.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, 20/20 World cup, 20/20 World cup 2009, Adil Rashid, Cricket With Balls, Darron Reekers, De Nederlanders, De Nederlands, Dirk Nannes, Dirty Dirk, England, fucktrog, Holland, Johann Cruyff, Jrod, Last of The Summer Whine, Len The Yorkshire Kitman, Luke Wright, Pakistan, Q, Ravi Bopara, ricky schroder, Rob Key, Ryan Ten Doeschate, stuart broad, Stuart MacGill, T20i, The England, The Netherlands, Tom De Grooth, Well Pitched, west indies
De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.
What the fuck happened there?!
Destiny, my friends, that’s what.
After mastering total football in the 70′s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.
Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here). Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.
Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.
It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage. Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords. Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!
My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.
The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts. Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.
The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse. Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs. He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery. No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).
Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.
I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket. Hardly any of them actually play it, they’re learning the game in T20i’s.
Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days! Good times, my friends!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, 20/20 cup, 20/20 World cup 2009, Alastair Cook, England, Essex, Essex CCC, Essex Eagles, IPL, IPL Champions League, Kent, Kent Spitfires, The England
Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.
What the fuck is going on here?!
Alastair Cook took his recent smackdown show to Kent again. Last week he scored 80 from 56 balls against the spitfires, this week 77 off 55. So far in the 20/20 cup he’s scored 197 runs at an average of 49.25 and a strike rate of 139. Wow. Thems good figures eh…
I like this a lot. I always want to see an Essex boy do well, but he’s consistently annoyed the shit out of me, by being the most tedious fucktard the world has ever seen.
He rarely hits the ball in the air, scores his runs in test cricket at a snails pace, and is generally a grinder.
I think a season playing List A cricket, and 20/20 will improve the boy no end. He’s made it clear that he wants to be considered for The England in all types of cricket, which is an admirable statement, and one that he appears to be backing up.
I’m looking forward to the day, that I look at a The England pyjamas match, and don’t want to cut my face in to slithers because eyeliner is opening the batting. Let’s hope it’s not too far round the corner.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, county cricket, Cricket, England, James Tredwell, Jimmy Adams, Jon Lewis, middlesex, Mike Hussey, Phil Hughes, Philip Hughes, The England
Good, but not that good... Yet...
Dear media,
Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.
Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division. This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.
Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.
So can we stop with the cock sucking please. He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.
I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent. He has. He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket. Not bad, I think you’ll agree..
What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The England batsman).
If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60′s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like. Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…
Now fuck off.
Update
Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.
I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair. That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..
Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!
Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket, LOLCricket | Tags: England, Fail, fail pictures, FailCricket, Food Fail, Lol, LOLCricket, Ravi Bopara
Hook Shot Fail!
Recent man of the series Ravi Bopara has become a media darling of late. Just so he doesn’t get too big for his boots, and because I’ve missed LOLCricketz, here’s some lovely stuff for you kiddywinks.
Ravenous Ravi can't wait for lunch!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: England, Michael Vaughan, The England, yorkshire, Yorkshire CCC
How queer!
If there’s one thing you constantly hear about Michael Vaughan, it’s that he’s hitting it well in the nets.
Now look at that photo above, and by jove, the fucker is!
There’s no green edges, it’s all middle.
If anyone knows what the green shit is from, or where the balls come from, I’d be intrigued. I see lots of green marks on international cricketers bats, but have never seen a green ball. When we use a bowling machine, they’re either yellow or red, and they don’t leave marks.
I’m guessing that Michael looks great for a pristine 20, then gets done by a straight one, but you never know.
If only he could do it in the middle more. That would be nice.
UPDATE
Well fuck my old boots. What do you know. He really is hitting it well in the middle. This time around though, he’s good at one day cricket, and shit over the longer term.
He’s averaging over 50 in pyjama’s this year. His career average is 29.
The world really is going wonky.
FURTHER UPDATE
Ha! I’ve jinxed him. 46 is his season average now. Out LBW for 74. Still good mind, but he’s not hit a century in OD games for ages. He’s only scored 3 centuries in 360 odd List A and ODI matches. Michael Vaughan will be very disappointed not to cash in on a flat deck at the oval. In fact Michael Vaughan might get so angry he only communicates with himself in the third person.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, Matthew Hayden, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, The England
Symonds crying like a baby.
If there’s one fella The England didn’t want to have to face this year, for The Ashes, it was Andrew Symonds.
We hate him, because he’s good. He loves to smash a Pom.
In the last ashes series, Symonds came good in test match cricket. The England had fuck all on the board, in the 4th test, and Australia started their 1st innings, trying to get an imposing lead. Suddenly Freddie fired up, and The England had Australia at 83/5. In came Symonds, and along with OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, destroyed The England. They put on 279 at over 4rpo, and destroyed any hopes of gettting a consolation win.
So we salute you ‘Strayan administracats, for sending the ginger in his place.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Bangladesh, England, ICC, ICC Rankings, Jacob Oram, Jacques Kallis, New Zealand, odi, Shakib Al Hasan, South Africa, Stupid Cunts
Fuck off, he's not that good.
Shakib Al Hasan is now top of the ICC’s ODI All-rounders list, ahead of Jacques Kallis, Andrew Flintoff and Jacob Oram.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the boy’s got talent, but top? fuck right off.
If you had to pick a guy to rescue an innings against top quality opposition, who would you pick?
If you had to choose a bowler to go for next to no runs on all wickets?
Someone to scare the bejeesus out of middle order batsman?
It ain’t fucking Shakib, I can tell you that much.
Come on now, we all know the ICC rankings are shit, but this takes the piss.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Albie Morkel, australia, Church Of Sehwagology, Cricket, England, odi, South Africa, The England, Virender Sehwag, west indies
Ring a ding ding…
Albie Morkel, is a batting behemoth. He reminds me of Lance Klusener in his pomp. Bowls fast medium, and can absolutely belt the covers off the ball.
His 40 off 22 today, was the difference between the sides. South Africa cleverly waited until he got his eye in, then took the batting powerplay, and he went batshit. Admittedly he was helped by poor fielding from Australia (they are looking average in the field at the moment, dropping two catches in the first over of South Africa’s reply). This boy can really strike a ball, and the fact that he has a supervillain as a brother, probably helps. I imagine it would give you that extra confidence one requires, to beat all and sundry.
South Africa now take a 2-1 lead in the series, and it’s turning out to be a cracker.
In other news, The England arrived safely in the West Indies, after pissing off a plane load of tourists, by diverting the flight. They did hand out The England cufflinks to those that were upset by the delay, which is nice.
I’m expecting the england to draw the series. We will not be able to bowl out Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, so it’ll be another year of averaging over 100 for Shiv.
For the sehwagology members amongst us (that should be all of you, by the way, if I find out any of you are non-believers, it’lll be the Suavish Inquisition), our Lord hath spoken..
More to come shortly..
