Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, county cricket, Cricket, England, James Tredwell, Jimmy Adams, Jon Lewis, middlesex, Mike Hussey, Phil Hughes, Philip Hughes, The England
Good, but not that good... Yet...
Dear media,
Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.
Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division. This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.
Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.
So can we stop with the cock sucking please. He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.
I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent. He has. He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket. Not bad, I think you’ll agree..
What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The England batsman).
If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60′s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like. Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…
Now fuck off.
Update
Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.
I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair. That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..
Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: county cricket, durham, hampshire, King Cricket, Mark Davies
It’s good to see Durham are still playing on uncovered pitches oop north.
We’re only half way through day two and 20 wickets have fallen for 250 runs.
Is it any wonder Lord Bobert Of Key got so pissed off with the pitch inspectors recently. This being after their championship game lasted three days.
Now, I’ve never played on that wicket but it does look like a medium pacers paradise. Hampshire bowler Dangeranus took 5/45, then super Mark Davies took a superb 8/24 for Durham.
Did he done poop in Geoff Millers house?
I’m not sure what’s wrong with the lad, there must be something, he’s taken 209 FC wickets @ 21.57 excluding this match, (Fucking hell, how good is that? That’s a rhetorical question by the way) yet he’s constantly ignored by selectors.
Does he stink of rancid shit?
Does he have a penchant for small children?
Is he secretly an alien?
Is he really a viking warrior?
How the fuck would I know, I’m in a stupid godforsaken country that’s proud to be associated with the worst vegetable in the world!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, county cricket, Cricket, durham, IPL, Jim laker, lancashire, Matthew Hayden, old trafford, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, Seam, Somerset, Spin, Swing, The Oval
Recently I was moaning about 20/20, and the fact that it can make ordinary players look good.
My reasonining, is that the pitches have all been made flat as pancakes, and thre is little to offer for the bowlers. No real spin, swing or seam. This allows bludgeoners to look good, as they can just smash through the line of the ball. They had one pitch that turned square and seamed, and all of the players called it a joke. Wankers. Can you honestly imagine someone like “The Bearlike, Orphan Eating, Fuckhead“, playing Jim Laker on an uncovered Old Trafford or The Oval? THat fucker wouldn’t average any where near as much as he does now.
In county cricket yesterday, five matches were played, and 64 wickets were taken.
It was a glorious day, all over The ENgland. The sun was shining, the weather was sweet, boy, makes me want to move, those dancing feet, to the rescue, here I am!
What the batsman failed to take into account, was that most pitches had enough juice in them, to make it very difficult. Too many players were undone, by seam and swing. On pitches like ours in The England, you need to expect it to move off the pitch and through the air!
Unfortunately, it seems that batsman have missed out on this playing straight, or playing late lark, and are being constantly exposed.
In Lancashire’s innings yesterday, they were all out for 143, on a pitch that wasn’t that bad. All 10 wickets were catches. You’d think that the Durham players would have had a look at the way the Lancs batsman played, and adjusted accordingly. Alas no, they were fuckwits too, being bowled out for a miserable 114.
Somerset were similarly shit yesterday.
If the ball swings, seams or spins, most international players look ordinary. Bring back juicy pitches, and make the fuckers learn to play properly!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: county cricket, Cricket, hampshire, james tomlinson, john crawley, Kevin Pietersen, Somerset
Somerset’s county ground, Taunton is usually the flattest, easiest batting wicket in the whole of county cricket (although Chelmsford isn’t far behind).
Something weird has happened though, in 40 overs of cricket, 12 wickets have fallen.
Somerset were all out for 126, with James Tomlinson (who he?), taking 8-46. Somerset hit back with two wickets in the first two overs, to leave Hampshire at a pretty precarious 6-2. John Crawley & KP need to look to steady that ship now.
The sad thing about this, is that Somerset will most likely be punished for providing a below standard pitch. In fact, I think they should be punished for all the flat ones they produce.
Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket, LOLCricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, county cricket, Cricket, Fail, fail pictures, failboat, FailCricket, lancashire, Scotland
Is Andrew Flintoff a batting all-rounder?
Recent form would suggest not.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: county cricket, Cricket, England, Essex, Essex CCC, IPL, New Zealand, Ravi Bopara, Ryan Ten Doeschate, The England
Ravi Bopara, Essex all-rounder.
THis boy is the shizzle this season, he’s scored 341 runs in three County Championship innings and also tops his team’s bowling averages.
Him and my man, Ten Doeschate (took a 6-fer against the kiwi’s) are both looking superb down at the county ground.
Ravi has admitted that he turned down a six figure sum from the IPL, to concentrate on getting back into THE ENgland setup.
That is good.
That is nice.
Ravi is my friend again.
Ravi had this to say..
“If I do this, and with the current talk of new competitions and one-off matches to sit alongside the IPL, then I am sure there will be plenty of opportunities to enjoy the financial benefits in years to come,”
23 years old, and the little fella’s got a wise head on his shoulders!
This makes me happy. More updates, when the fugue of four days drinking lifts from my sorry head.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Adil Rashid, Andrew Flintoff, county cricket, Cricket, England, England Lions, james anderson, Justin Langer, Matthew Hoggard, Michael Vaughan, Peter Moores, Ryan Sidebottom, Somerset, The England
I don’t fucking care if this man can’t bat for shit any more.
Put him at anywhere in the last four if needs be, but he should play for The England.
I’ll tell you why.
He’s the best fast bowler in the country.
Justin Langer in his latest BBC column had this to say about the fella.
Only last week I padded up against Lancashire in the County Championship for Somerset and I can say first hand that Flintoff is absolutely ready to be picked for the first Test against New Zealand.
One of the joys of retiring from international cricket was knowing that I wouldn’t be peppered by the world’s best fast bowlers ever again.
This in mind, I was shocked at the ferocity of the Flintoff onslaught at Old Trafford.
As I kept saying to him, I could have understood if I was batting with Matthew Hayden and wearing a green Australia helmet with a kangaroo and emu embroidered on the front.
Instead, I was in a red Somerset helmet with Marcus Trescothick partnering me, so if I was ever in for a reprieve from England’s best fast bowler then surely that would have been the time.
History will suggest this couldn’t have been further from the truth.
For about an hour I could have been in the boxing ring with Joe Calzaghe and by the end of it I had literally copped a hammering.
My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!
Both Marcus and I agreed his spell was one of the great ones either of us had ever faced and while it was ugly – and at times intimidating – it is what we miss about playing international cricket on its toughest days.
This is one seriously good bowler.
Given the choice between Anderson & Flintoff, who would you pick? Between Hoggard & Flintoff, or Broad & Flintoff?
My bowling attack would look like this.
Flintoff, Rashid, Broad, Sidebottom. Or maybe Panesar for Rashid (we’ll see how he does against the Lions).
That’s a lot of batting. Flintoff and Rashid are excellent all-rounders, and Broad & Sidebottom can be relied upon to hold a bat.
Come on Mooresy, you know you want it.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Bloody northerners, Brad Hodge, county cricket, Cricket, England, ICL, IPL, lancashire, mohammed yousef
In what can only be seen as a way of earning anything at all, whilst not able to participate in either of the Indian league 20-20 tournaments, Youhana has signed for Lancashire, to replace Brad Hodge.
This is good news for Lancashire, as they now have a player that is definitely not going to join the IPL, and can play four day and one day cricket.
Lancashire really do look tidy this season. They’ve got a pace attack to scare the bejaasus out of opposition batsmen, a middle order as good as lot of international sides, and the finest all-rounder The England have produced in along time, but they’ll never win the championship when it rains so much oop north.
Which is just as it should be.
Bloody northerners.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Strauss, county cricket, Cricket, Dennis Lillee, England Lions, Ian Bell, Kent, King Cricket, Mark Ramprakash, Michael Vaughan, New Zealand, Owais Shah, Ravi Bopara, Robert Key
The Major Key (thanks to Miriam for this…), King Cricket’s favourite person, in the entire world (he’s close to being mine too), yesterday took the Kiwi bowlers to the sword. Not literally, you understand, metal bats were banned after that old fella Dennis Lillee got arsey.
He clubbed the hapless Kiwis for 178 not out. This now means he’s completed a hat-trick of hundreds against them. “This sort of kick-started my summer four years ago, so it’s a good omen,” said Key.
Sir Robert Of Kentington Key also had this to say..
“Sometimes you have teams as a batter and fortunately at the moment the New Zealanders seem to cop it.”
When asked what his chances of getting back into The England setup were, he said thus…
“There are a few guys scoring runs at the moment,” he said. “Ravi Bopara is getting a hundred most times he walks to the wicket, and Owais Shah is a fine player. A lot depends on what they need. If they need an opener, then I’ll go ahead, if it’s a No. 3, then maybe Owais [Shah], if they need someone to bowl a little bit, maybe Ravi [Bopara] … If they need an old bloke they’ve got Ramps.”
On present form, I’d have Key opening the batting with Strauss. Cook and Vaughan look awful at the minute. Right hand/left hand combo, both in touch, Ravi would replace Vaughan, with Bell at three.
UPDATE
News just in, Robert Key has been selected as captain of The England Lions, as he’s obviously a god.
That is all.
Filed under: Cricket, fantasy cricket | Tags: 20-20, county cricket, Cricket, EPL, IPL
The ECB & PCA want a product that they can export back to India in place by 2010. The current thinking seems to be regional teams, merging the 18 counties into six regions.
I’ve taken a look at this, and picked what i believe (current players only), would be the best 20/20 teams for each region.
What do you think?
How regions may look
North Northern bastards
Yorkshire
Lancashire
Durham
Michael Di Venuto: Durham
Mal Loye: Lancs
Brad Hodge: Lancs
Jacques Rudolph: Yorks
Paul Collingwood: Durham, Captain
Phil Mustard: Durham. Wk
Andrew Flintoff: Lancs
Glenn Chapple: Lancs
Adil Rashid: Yorks
Matthew Hoggard: Yorks
Steve Harmison: Durham
London shandy drinking twats
Surrey
Middlesex
Essex
Andrew Strauss: Middlesex, Capt
James Benning: Surrey
Mark Ramprakash: Surrey
Owais Shah: Middlesex
Ryan Ten Doeschate: Essex
Alistair Brown: Surrey
David Nash: Middlesex, Wk
Ravi Bopara: Essex
Chris Jordan: Surrey
Danish Kaneria: Essex
Saqlain Mushtaq: Surrey
Southern Softies
Hampshire
Kent
Sussex
Rob Key: Kent, Captain
Michael Carberry: Hants
Michael Yardy: Sussex
Murray Goodwin: Sussex
Kevin Pietersen: Hants
Luke Wright: Sussex
Matt Prior: Sussex Wk
Dimi Mascheranas: Hants
Yasir Arafat: Kent
Shane Bond: Hants
Mushtaq Ahmed: Sussex
Wales and West whinging wankers
Glamorgan
Gloucestershire
Somerset
Marcus Trescothick: Somerset
Craig Spearman: Gloucs
Justin Langer: Somerset, Capt
Hamish Marshall: Gloucs
Marcus North: Gloucs
Ian Blackwell: Somerset
Jamie Dalrymple: Glamorgan
Steve Adshead: Glamorgan, Wk
Peter Trego: Somerset
Jason Gillespie: Glamorgan
Carl Greenidge: Gloucs
West Midlands whiny wasters
Warwickshire
Worcestershire
Northants
Vikram Solanki: Worcs
Darren Maddy: Warwks, Capt
Ian Bell: Warwks
Jonathon Trott: Warwks
Greame Hick: Worcs
Steve Davies: Worcs, Wk
Lance Klusener: Northants
Nicky Boje: Norhthants
Kabir Ali: Worcs
Gareth Batty: Worcs:
Monty Panesar: Northants
East Midlands Middling Meddlers
Nottinghamshire
Leicestershire
Derbyshire
TEAM
Samit Patel: Leics
HD Ackerman: Leics
David Hussey: Notts, Capt
Rikki Clarke: Derbyshire
Jeremy Snape: Leics
Chris Read: Notts, Wk
Greame Swann: Notts
Stuart Broad: Notts
Ryan Sidebottom: Notts
Garnett Kruger: Leics
Nayan Doshi: derbyshire
