Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, epic fail, Fail, fail pictures, Lords, Ricky Ponting
I don’t think anything else needs to be said here, does it?
Ricky Ponting FAIL!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Cricket, England, Greame Swann, james anderson, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Monty Panesar, Nathan Hauritz, paul collingwood, Ravi Bopara, Six Word Reviews, stuart broad
Here we are again, with Suave’s six word reviews. Australia to come this afternoon.
Andrew Strauss
Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.
Alastair Cook
Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.
Ravi Bopara
Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove
Kevin Pietersen
Look at me, stupid ego cunt.
Paul Collingwood
Gritty street fighter, better than spinners
Matt Prior
looks OK, no smashing just yet.
Andrew Flintoff
Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.
Stuart Broad
Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!
Greame Swann
Worse than Hauritz. One funny fucker.
James Anderson
Batting supremo. Pitch it up, wanker!
Monty Panesar
Too quick, no variation, soon gone.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, Cricket, football, Philosophy
My philosophy about cricket is to rant and scream and bash any and all fuckers who play badly, whilst representing their countries.
Luckily, not everyone is an angry fuckface, like me. These fella’s seem cool.
THE PHILOSOPHY OF CRICKET The self-styled ‘sporting outfitters of intellectual distinction’ at Philosophy Football find quotes from philosophers about football and slap them on a T-shirt with name and squad number added.
This summer they have launched a their philosophy cricket range with opening bat CB Fry’s musings on cricket as a philosophy. As a cricketer CB Fry captained both Sussex and England. A gifted footballer too, he played professionally for Southampton and Portsmouth, making his England debut in 1901.
For a time he was also holder of the world record for the long jump. A superbly gifted cricket writer and academic off the pitch CB politically managed to combine standing unsuccessfully for Parliament as a Liberal Party candidate with the bizarre idea ideas that if Germany could be persuaded to play England at test cricket WW2 might be avoided.
The T-shirt is available from www.philosophyfootball.com with the search now on for other cricket quotes for T-shirted immortalisation.
Go visit them, and make yourself look Suave too.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, Alastair Cook, Ashes, australia, Brett Lee, Essex, Jason Gillespie, jimmy anderson, Kent, Michael Kasprowicz, Naked, Shaun Tait, stuart broad, Stuart MacGill, The England
Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.
Alastair Cook opens the innings.
Then it all gets weird.
He scored lots, and quickly. What the fuck is going on? I fear the end is nigh children. Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.
80 from 56 balls. QUE?!
Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly. I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.
Why does he not do it more? Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag.. I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, county cricket, Cricket, England, James Tredwell, Jimmy Adams, Jon Lewis, middlesex, Mike Hussey, Phil Hughes, Philip Hughes, The England
Good, but not that good... Yet...
Dear media,
Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.
Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division. This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.
Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.
So can we stop with the cock sucking please. He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.
I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent. He has. He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket. Not bad, I think you’ll agree..
What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The England batsman).
If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60′s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like. Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…
Now fuck off.
Update
Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.
I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair. That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..
Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Brad Haddin, Ricky Ponting, Shane Watson, Stuart Clark
You tight cunts, couldn't afford a five, eh?!
So 50 days to go.
One of the young lackeys has a bright idea “hey boss, why don’t we ask someone to bake a cake to celebrate that fact”.
“Good idea junior, it’ll look great for the photo’s, get on it!”.
What you get back is a shower of shit, with someone putting an upside down 20, instead of a 50 on the top.
Fuck my old boots, did you not expect anyone to notice?! Dumb cunts.
That is all.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, Matthew Hayden, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, The England
Symonds crying like a baby.
If there’s one fella The England didn’t want to have to face this year, for The Ashes, it was Andrew Symonds.
We hate him, because he’s good. He loves to smash a Pom.
In the last ashes series, Symonds came good in test match cricket. The England had fuck all on the board, in the 4th test, and Australia started their 1st innings, trying to get an imposing lead. Suddenly Freddie fired up, and The England had Australia at 83/5. In came Symonds, and along with OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, destroyed The England. They put on 279 at over 4rpo, and destroyed any hopes of gettting a consolation win.
So we salute you ‘Strayan administracats, for sending the ginger in his place.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Dale Steyn, Ian Botham, Ishant Sharma, james anderson, jimmy anderson, Mitchell Johnson, New Zealand, Peter Siddle, Shane Bond, South Africa, The England, west indies
Please be good against the big boys Jimmy!
Somewhere along the lines, my thought process has changed. Not necessarily for the better to be fair.
I used to hate Greame Smith, now I don’t mind him.
I spent many long hours wanting to smash Jimmy Anderson’s head in, now I don’t.
This is perturbing.
Alas, as we get older, we grow wiser. Well some of us. By us, I mean you lot, not me, obviously, or Ian Botham, we’re both pickle brained fucknuts, but I digress.
I now believe we have a good opening bowler.
This is a man who has learnt to swing the ball both ways at pace.
That my friends, is fucking dangerous.
He averaged 29.84 for 2008, and is currently averaging 26.85 for 2009. Pretty good figures them.
But, before Ceci jumps on me, for hypocrisy (I rather bagged him back in March over at the Lovely King Cricket). Let’s look at his averages again.
Since 2006/7 Ashes.
| Series | Average | Strike Rate |
| Aus v Eng |
82.6 |
112 |
| Eng v Ind |
35.5 |
62.7 |
| Eng v SL |
83.5 |
116 |
| NZ v Eng |
35.57 |
44.2 |
| Eng v NZ |
19.31 |
32.6 |
| Eng v SA |
33.93 |
69.3 |
| Ind v Eng |
53.5 |
109.5 |
| WI v Eng |
38 |
86 |
| Eng v WI |
17.72 |
35.1 |
|
|
|
|
| Home |
37.992 |
63.14 |
| Away |
52.418 |
87.925 |
| Overall |
44.403 |
74.155556 |
Still not good enough I’m afraid..
Compare his stats to Mitchell Johnson, or Dale Steyn, or Ishant Sharma, or Shane Bond, or Peter Siddle. He doesn’t compare.
I want fast/swing bowling that actually smashes peoples jaws, stumps and batsman’s confidence.
Jimmy’s not there yet. I hope he gets there, because it’ll be a blast seeing him uprooting off-stumps of Aussies this summer, but he’s yet to do anything significant against any of the top 5.
It’s all well and good smashing Kiwi’s & Windies players who don’t want to be here, but can you smash the Aussies or the Saffers (who we face this winter).
That’ll be the true test of his character.
So I’ll hold out on the Jimmy Anderson Wankfest until early 2010 if you don’t mind.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Cancer, Charity, Cricket With Balls, Everyman, the village cricketer
One and all, go here and donate all of your pennies immediately. On pain of a Suave smash to those that don’t.
Basically, The Village Cricketer has challenged Jrod to a bloggers Ashes. Aussie bloggers Vs The English. It’ll be played at Monday 29th June 2009, 3pm start, Barnes Cricket Club, Lonsdale Road, London SW13 9QL
I’m trying to get myself into this side (who wouldn’t want me to be honest?! A middle order slogger, lazy fielder, rubbish tweaker, I’m like a The English David Hussey!), so I’ve donated, and I’m know trying to raise awareness too.
It’s all in aid of The Everyman cancer charity, which will help to protect your balls in later life.
Get donating children.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, australia, Cricket, Dirk Nannes, Dirty Dirk, Glenn McGrath
What is it with ‘strayans and warm up game injuries.
Tee Hee.
The 2005 Ashes was decided when Glenn McGrath tripped over a stray cricket ball playing rugby.
News has just reached Suave HQ that Dirty Dirk, him of the snowboarding and skiing skills, has come a cropper playing football, and had to miss Middlesex CCC’s last game of the season. Dick.
He can do all of this, but gets ankle knack from football?! I thought he was tough..
That’s him flying through the air miles in the sky. Impressive, eh?
Alas, he can’t fucking stand up when playing a little Association Football though can he?
SILLY ‘STRAYANS and their silly warm up injuries, maybe they should stick to indoor bowls.
