How queer, a lift to Lanchashire..

This is the first draft of my journey.  There are large gaps in the schedul due to 20/20 and Pr0 40, as I wanted to keep this all about first class cricket.  By that, I mean four day championship cricket.

There are some teams I’d love to see more of, including my home county of Essex, but no, I get lumbered having to watch Middlesex 5 times in one season.  The plus side to this, is that I get to see Iain O’Brien spangled on Sodium Diclofenac all over the country!

I recently went through a rather bad case of bronchitis that kept me awake almost all night, for nigh on two weeks.  I was hacking and coughing my rotten lungs, and felt like shit.  Towards the end of this period, I’d discovered the wonder of Night Nurse, and I suddenly managed to get some much needed sleep.  However, there were side effects to this sleep aid; Lucid, almost hallucinegic dreams, and moments of pure clarity.
It was during one of these moments, that the idea for this book was formed.

At 3.30am one day in February, I awoke and started writing notes into the book by the side of my bed.  I then fell back into deep, spangled sleep.
The next morning, after doing some work, I happened to look in my notebook and see a stream of consciousness put into words, within.
Here is what I’d written…

Idea…visit all 18county grds. do it on the cheap. hitchhike.blag.jumpfences sofasurf.  interview eccentrics and quirks.  write it.  A season in the stands, suave’s journey to the heart of county cricket.
essex,midd,surrey,kent,suss,hants,somerset,gloucs,glam,worcs,northants,warks,leics,derby,notts,lancs,yorks,durham.

So this is it, this is my pilgramage to the county cricket clubs of England & Wales.

I will be updating this site, as soon as I have more details, but I’m going to need your help kids.  I will need entrance to games, I need lifts or train tickets or bicycles or anything you can to help me get to all 18 grounds, and I need you to follow and support me, wherever I go.

I’m doing this off my own back, for literally fuck all, so any help you can give me, would be much appreciated.

Any one who helps will be mentioned in the book.

Check it over at http://aseasoninthestands.wordpress.com

You can contact me at aseasoninthestand@googlemail.com

I don’t think anything else needs to be said here, does it?

Ricky Ponting FAIL!

Andrew Strauss

Piss poor captaincy, shit with bat.

Alastair Cook

Fucking piss-weak, public school cunt.

Ravi Bopara

Outwitted, then fucked over by Doctrove

Kevin Pietersen

Look at me, stupid ego cunt.

Paul Collingwood

Gritty street fighter, better than spinners

Matt Prior

looks OK, no smashing just yet.

Andrew Flintoff

Bowled into ground, now fucking crocked.

Stuart Broad

Can’t bowl for shit, find length!!!

Greame Swann

Worse than Hauritz.  One funny fucker.

James Anderson

Batting supremo.  Pitch it up, wanker!

Monty Panesar

Too quick, no variation, soon gone.

Luckily, not everyone is an angry fuckface, like me.  These fella’s seem cool.

THE PHILOSOPHY OF CRICKET The self-styled ‘sporting outfitters of intellectual distinction’ at Philosophy Football find quotes from philosophers about football and slap them on a T-shirt with name and squad number added.

This summer they have launched a their philosophy cricket range with opening bat CB Fry’s musings on cricket as a philosophy.   As a cricketer CB Fry captained both Sussex and England.  A gifted footballer too, he played professionally for Southampton and Portsmouth, making his England debut in 1901.

For a time he was also holder of the world record for the long jump. A superbly gifted cricket writer and academic off the pitch CB politically managed to combine standing unsuccessfully for Parliament as a Liberal Party candidate with the bizarre idea ideas that if Germany could be persuaded to play England at test cricket WW2 might be avoided.

The T-shirt is available from www.philosophyfootball.com with the search now on for other cricket quotes for T-shirted immortalisation.

Go visit them, and make yourself look Suave too.

De Nederlanders celebrate a famous victory over The England.

What the fuck happened there?!

Destiny, my friends, that’s what.

After mastering total football in the 70′s under Johan Cruyff, de Nederlanders have now decided to do the same in 20/20 cricket.

Watch out boys and girls, they were unstoppable  (except by Ze Germans) at football during that time, and are bound to do the same to all and sundry in this 20/20 World Cup (luckily Ze Germans are not here).  Never before has there been such a sublime display of a cricket, from a side wearing oranje.

Dirty Dirk bowled well, without any real penetration.

It was left to a couple of old blacksmiths to cause the damage.  Darron Reekers who started off in big bludgeoning style, followed up by Tom De Grooth, who smashed The England all over Lords.   Jrod loved it so much he almost threw up!

My man Ryan Ten Doeschate even got in on the act, a cracking allround display, with a red inker and taking the wickets of Ravi Bopara & Luke Wright.

The England have two young stars at the top of their order, and the rest are a bunch of cunts.   Even Rob Key, the fat knacker.

The bowling, beyond the opening pair was shithouse.   Rashid looked good against the West Indies, but was goes for too many runs.  He reminds me of Stuart MacGill, long hops, full tosses and the odd unplayable delivery.  No fucking good at 20/20, I’m afraid (and surely the fact that he doesn’t get in Yorkshire’s side, should have given them some idea, no?).

Stuart Broad couldn’t hit six stumps, the useless Ricky Schroder lookalike fucktrog.

I’m happy to lose to the Dutch though, because it might make this bunch of fuckfaced De Engelsen players actually learn to play proper 20/20 cricket.   Hardly any of them actually play it,  they’re learning the game in T20i’s.

Here’s to getting spanked by Pakistan on Sunday, and being out of the competition within 3 days!  Good times, my friends!

The Village Cricketer’s English All Stars v Cricket with Balls Aussie Code of Conduct XI
Monday 29th June 2009, 3.30pm start
Barnes Cricket Club, Lonsdale Road, London SW13 9QL

England, 5th June 2009: The Village Cricketer today announced the line up of English All Stars for the pre-Ashes charity cricket match in aid of the Everyman Male Cancer Campaign, and issued a stark warning to the descendents of convicts and colonists that will be turning out for the Cricket with Balls Aussie Code of Conduct XI, turn up and lose!

On Monday 29th June 2009, the great and good of the English and Australian online cricket worlds will gather at Barnes CC, London, for a charity cricket match held to raise awareness of and funds for the Everyman male cancer campaign, part of the Institute of Cancer Research. The match is played as part of Everyman’s Male Cancer Awareness Month.

The Village Cricketer confidently predicts that his side – The Village Cricketer’s English All Stars – will win the best of one series 1 – 0.

“The English All Stars is a team of hugely talented, exciting and above all modest Englishmen. It is very simple, with this side we cannot lose,” said The Village Cricketer. “The Aussie Code of Conduct XI will be jetlagged or hungover. We are going to deliver a Pomme-wash to the travelling Canary Yellows, delivering a trouncing that will help the England side proper carry momentum into the Ashes.”

The Village Cricketer’s English All-Stars XI:

The Village Cricketer
Ed Craig, The Wisden Cricketer
Suave of Suave’s Republique Cricket
Phil Johnson, Freelance cricket writer
Patrick Kidd, The Times
Nigel Henderson, Legendary cricket writer
Andrew Miller, Cricinfo
Sam Stow, All Out Cricket
Simon Jones (look-a-like)
Steven Croft (play-a-like)
Alan Mullally (leftarm-a-like)

To make a donation in support of this event please visit the Justgiving page.
]]> http://republiquecricket.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/the-england-side-for-cricket-writer-ashes-revealed/feed/ 1 Suave http://republiquecricket.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/die-nederlands-die-nieuw-zuid-afrika/ http://republiquecricket.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/die-nederlands-die-nieuw-zuid-afrika/#comments Fri, 05 Jun 2009 09:06:06 +0000 Suave http://republiquecricket.com/?p=743 ]]>

Nom nom nom

Ryan Ten-Doeschate, Suave’s favourite Essex based dutchman, has obviously spent some time in Zuid-Afrika, learning from the master coach that is Mickey Arthur.  The best way to become world beaters in cricket is to eat cricket balls, apparently.

Nom nom nom

Be sure to get yourself over to King Cricket at 12pm BST today, for the greatest post the world has ever seen!  I can hardly wait.

According to cackinfo,  Andrew Symonds has been sent home again, for more alcohol fuelled shenanigans.

Now this shouldn’t come as a surprise to many, because he is a Brummy, and they’re all piss soaked tramps.  That and the fact that he was brought up in ‘Straya, the home of fucking god awful weak lager.

Whenever he comes here, he drinks the same amount, and forgets that our beer is about fourteen times stronger. They don’t call it tanglefoot for now’t, you know.

This has got to be the last time he ever gets to pull on an Aussie jersey, hasn’t it?  This must be number 6002 in his sozzled history, and surely that’s enough for any one predator.

Will this weaken the ‘Strayan 20/20 side?  I’d say yes, he averages 48 with the bat and 34 with the ball in T20i’s, them’s shit hot numbers.

What I’m trying to say is…

HA FUCKING HA!

Australia are now officially shit again, and we can all laugh out loud at them.

Cooky smashing a six, yes A SIX, on his way to 77 from 55.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Alastair Cook took his recent smackdown show to Kent again.  Last week he scored 80 from 56 balls against the spitfires, this week 77 off 55.  So far in the 20/20 cup he’s scored 197 runs at an average of 49.25 and a strike rate of 139.  Wow.  Thems good figures eh…

I like this a lot.  I always want to see an Essex boy do well, but he’s consistently annoyed the shit out of me, by being the most tedious fucktard the world has ever seen.

He rarely hits the ball in the air, scores his runs in test cricket at a snails pace, and is generally a grinder.

I think a season playing List A cricket, and 20/20 will improve the boy no end.   He’s made it clear that he wants to be considered for The England in all types of cricket, which is an admirable statement, and one that he appears to be backing up.

I’m looking forward to the day, that I look at a The England pyjamas match, and don’t want to cut my face in to slithers because eyeliner is opening the batting.  Let’s hope it’s not too far round the corner.