Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20, Alastair Cook, Ashes, australia, Brett Lee, Essex, Jason Gillespie, jimmy anderson, Kent, Michael Kasprowicz, Naked, Shaun Tait, stuart broad, Stuart MacGill, The England

Opening day of the 20/20 championship, and The Essex were down at Canterbury to face the lowly Kent.
Alastair Cook opens the innings.
Then it all gets weird.
He scored lots, and quickly. What the fuck is going on? I fear the end is nigh children. Bunker up, and await the Apocalypse.
80 from 56 balls. QUE?!
Strangely enough, I know he can do that more regularly. I watched him smash a double century at a run a ball, against Australia (Lee, Gillespie, Tait, MacGill, Kasprowicz) in 2005.
Why does he not do it more? Because he’s an eyeliner wearing little shitbag.. I’m hoping this is changing, and his bollocks have actually dropped.
Filed under: Reviews | Tags: Album review, Cricket, DLM, Music, Pugwash, The Divine Comedy, The Duckworth Lewis Method

The Duckworth Lewis Method
I am giddy with excitement, after receiving a copy of The Duckworth Lewis Method‘s new album DLM in the post today!
The Duckworth Lewis Method are made up of Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy, and Thomas Walsh from Pugwash.
I will be giving it a listen over the weekend, and will be writing a full review here, for you lovely children.
As a brutally honest kind of fella, I will be telling it like it is. If it’s great, I’ll shout it from the top. If it’s shit, I shall do the same, only louder!
I can’t see that to be honest, as I love Neil Hannon, so expect this magical combination of cricket and music to be fantastical.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, county cricket, Cricket, England, James Tredwell, Jimmy Adams, Jon Lewis, middlesex, Mike Hussey, Phil Hughes, Philip Hughes, The England

Good, but not that good... Yet...
Dear media,
Please stop the wankfest over Hughes’ county stint please.
Most of the runs he scored were in the County Championship 2nd division. This is a division where the leading wicket takers are Jon Lewis & James Tredwell.
Those old fuckers weren’t even good enough to hold down a spot in The England’s ODI side, and they’re proper fucking pony.
So can we stop with the cock sucking please. He smashed around a load of has-beens and never will be’s.
I’m not saying that the fella hasn’t got talent. He has. He’s averaging 69 in both test and FC cricket. Not bad, I think you’ll agree..
What I will say, is that Jimmy Adams averaged 87 after 12 tests, and Mike Hussey averaged 80 at the start of 2008 and is now averaging 55 (to be fair that’s still higher than any current The England batsman).
If, after the ashes he’s still averaging high 60′s, then fairly do’s, lick the boy’s testicles all you like. Allow him to roger you roughly with bananas from his daddy’s farm, but let’s not get stupid, eh…
Now fuck off.
Update
Being a Suave fellow, I’m horrified, I say horrified at what I’ve just seen on Sky Sports News.
I know Phil Hughes is young, but there’s never an excuse to be wearing an ill fitting suit, with a shirt that has seventies style collars opened wide, to expose the chest hair. That and the two diamond earrings, have sent my Suave sensibilities absolutely bandy..
Fucking hell, can’t someone teach the little bogan banana farmer to dress properly!
Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket | Tags: epic fail, Fail, fail boat, fail cricket, fail pictures, failboat, india, Lords, odi, The England, west indies, yorkshire, Yorkshire CCC

Play is abandoned for the day after heavy rain this morning..
That my friends is fucking wank.
Yorkshire CCCCCCC have spent £600,000 on a drainage system, that after 3hrs of sunshine didn’t work well enough to allow any play today.
I’ll tell you why this is shit.
Lords, 2007, The England v India.
I went to this match, I can’t recall which day mind, but I remember everything else vividly.
I alighted the tube at Regents Park and started walking across the park in the direction of the home of cricket.
Halfway across the park, it started raining. Luckily I had waterproofs and an umbrella with me. I quickly ducked under a tree for cover, and put my waterproofs on (these are mountainy-goretexy, top of the rangy shizzle), and carried on. By the time I’d got to the other side of Regents Park, my golfing umbrella had snapped through the sheer volume of rain that fell. No wind, just pure volume of water broke the spokes, and the umbrella was fucked.
I pulled my hat out of my bag, pulled the hood of my waterproofs off, and continued towards Lords.
It’s no more than a 1mile walk from Regents Park to Lords, and in that time, the rain was so torrential, that there were three foot deep puddles on St John’s Wood Road. Cars were struggling to get through, because of the depth of the puddles. The drainage system was overflowing, to such an extent that people were starting to fear for their houses.
It was fucking terrible, monsoon like. As I got to the gates, I was completely and utterly soaked. Not 1cm of my body was not completely drenched. And I was properly attired.
I went to the pub to wait for the rain to stop, as there was no chance of getting a taxi, and the pub was dry. It rained for just over an hour, and everyone in the pub agreed, that there would be no chance of play…
I ventured into the rain, and managed to get a cab driver to take me home, so I could change.
That whole process took no more than an hour and a half. By this time the sun was out, but I didn’t hold much hope for any play, so switched on the box to get the latest updates.
What happened next left me completely fucking flabbergasted. Just after lunch, play had started, and I’d only been gone an 1.5hrs….
The drainage was so good, that with just over 2hrs of sunshine, play was able to commence.
Fuck you Yorkshire CCC, and the horse you rode in on. That’s how drainage should work, not your £600,000 fuck up.
The moral of the story? Never trust northerners, the workshy bastards!!
Filed under: Cricket, Fail, FailCricket, LOLCricket | Tags: England, Fail, fail pictures, FailCricket, Food Fail, Lol, LOLCricket, Ravi Bopara

Hook Shot Fail!
Recent man of the series Ravi Bopara has become a media darling of late. Just so he doesn’t get too big for his boots, and because I’ve missed LOLCricketz, here’s some lovely stuff for you kiddywinks.

Ravenous Ravi can't wait for lunch!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: 20/20 World cup, Dildo, Fake IPL Player, fakeipl player, fakeiplplayer, FIP, Geoff Lawson, IPL, IPL 2009, Kolkata Knight Riders, Pakistan, PCB, Shah Rukh Khan, Shoaib Akhtar, T20

Shoaib shows his warts to Geoff Lawson
The PCB have just released a press statement saying that the skin problem Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from is genital viral warts!
What the fuck is that all about, surely they didn’t need to state exactly what was wrong with the fella?!
Who out there didn’t believe it to be an STD?
Not fucking many of you, I wager.
I’m glad they did mind, cos this is comedy gold!
This has got to be the first time anyone has been pulled from a tournament due to an STD, hasn’t it?
The dirty fucker, and I mean that literally! There’s going to be thousands of men & women all over the subcontinent and beyond, suddenly booking themselves into the local clap clinic.
I reckon that’s why Dildo went back to India, to get himself checked out. We know he loves a bif of cock, and that’s why he’s not at the IPL now. I wonder if Fake IPL Player has any news on this
Joy O’ Joy.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Book, Cricket With Balls, Jrod, The Year Of The Balls, Uncle J Rod

J Rod is whoring his book. As I love him, I am going to whore for him too.
The Year Of The Balls 2008: a cricket disrespective. When you get paid, rush over there, buy as many as you can afford, then burn them all. He’s a fucking devil that fella, and we won’t have his sort round here.
I’ve read it, it’s good. I’m in it somewhere, which was also good.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: England, Michael Vaughan, The England, yorkshire, Yorkshire CCC

How queer!
If there’s one thing you constantly hear about Michael Vaughan, it’s that he’s hitting it well in the nets.
Now look at that photo above, and by jove, the fucker is!
There’s no green edges, it’s all middle.
If anyone knows what the green shit is from, or where the balls come from, I’d be intrigued. I see lots of green marks on international cricketers bats, but have never seen a green ball. When we use a bowling machine, they’re either yellow or red, and they don’t leave marks.
I’m guessing that Michael looks great for a pristine 20, then gets done by a straight one, but you never know.
If only he could do it in the middle more. That would be nice.
UPDATE
Well fuck my old boots. What do you know. He really is hitting it well in the middle. This time around though, he’s good at one day cricket, and shit over the longer term.
He’s averaging over 50 in pyjama’s this year. His career average is 29.
The world really is going wonky.
FURTHER UPDATE
Ha! I’ve jinxed him. 46 is his season average now. Out LBW for 74. Still good mind, but he’s not hit a century in OD games for ages. He’s only scored 3 centuries in 360 odd List A and ODI matches. Michael Vaughan will be very disappointed not to cash in on a flat deck at the oval. In fact Michael Vaughan might get so angry he only communicates with himself in the third person.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, Brad Haddin, Ricky Ponting, Shane Watson, Stuart Clark

You tight cunts, couldn't afford a five, eh?!
So 50 days to go.
One of the young lackeys has a bright idea “hey boss, why don’t we ask someone to bake a cake to celebrate that fact”.
“Good idea junior, it’ll look great for the photo’s, get on it!”.
What you get back is a shower of shit, with someone putting an upside down 20, instead of a 50 on the top.
Fuck my old boots, did you not expect anyone to notice?! Dumb cunts.
That is all.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Andrew Symonds, Ashes, Ashes 2009, australia, England, Matthew Hayden, orphan eating bear like fuckhead, The England

Symonds crying like a baby.
If there’s one fella The England didn’t want to have to face this year, for The Ashes, it was Andrew Symonds.
We hate him, because he’s good. He loves to smash a Pom.
In the last ashes series, Symonds came good in test match cricket. The England had fuck all on the board, in the 4th test, and Australia started their 1st innings, trying to get an imposing lead. Suddenly Freddie fired up, and The England had Australia at 83/5. In came Symonds, and along with OrphanEatingBearLikeFuckhead, destroyed The England. They put on 279 at over 4rpo, and destroyed any hopes of gettting a consolation win.
So we salute you ‘Strayan administracats, for sending the ginger in his place.
