After the relative success of the six word reviews, Miriam suggested that I create a six word review, for my loyal viewers to guess.
If it goes well, we’ll make it into a weekly fixture, and I’ll look at a nice prize for the winner.
Almost Olympian aloofness, massive run scorer.
Answers on the back of a postcard..
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Chaminda Vaas, Chris Gayle, Cricket, Daren Powell, Devon Smith, Dinesh Ramdin, Dwayne Bravo, Jerome Taylor, kumar sangakkara, mahela jayawardene, Malinda Warnapura, Marlon Samuels, Michael Vandort, Muttiah Muralitharan, Prasanna Jayawardene, Ramnaresh Sarwan, Rangana Herath, Ryan Hinds, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Sri Lanka, Sulieman Benn, Thilan Mirando Thushara, Thilan Samaraweera, Tillakaratne Dilshan, west indies
So, today we move on to the other sides playing test match cricket. It’s the windies and the Sirils..
Still have Pakistan and Bangladesh to come.
West Indies
Chris Gayle: Scared of Vaas, losing coolness daily
Devon Smith: Cricinfo says belligerent, never seen belligering.
Ramnaresh Sarwan: Upset McGrath, nearly caused a war.
Marlon Samuels: Chucker, friend of bookies, dodgy fucker
Shivnarine Chanderpaul: Lord Megachief Of Gold. Enough Said.
Dwayne Bravo: Should be great, chooses lazy shite.
Dinesh Ramdin: Does his mummy know he’s here?
Ryan Hinds: Desmond Haynes loves him, he’s shit.
Sulieman Benn: Stupid name, doesn’t take wickets. Shit.
Jerome Taylor: Bowls really quick, never really threatening
Daren Powell: averages 46, that’s mohammed sami shit.
Sri Lanka
Michael Vandort: A bambi Boycott, accumulates very slowly
Malinda Warnapura: New boy, likes windies and bangladesh.
Kumar Sangakkara: Suave, erudite, batting behemoth. Loves runs.
Mahela Jayawardene: Is a Proboth. (this is not part of the six words, but look at his profile on Cricinfo). Destroys bowlers sadistically
Thilan Samaraweera: Who he? averages 40, no-one cares.
Tillakaratne Dilshan: Brilliant fielder, big ears, was muslim.
Prasanna Jayawardene: (Wk) Kumar can’t be bothered. I can!
Chaminda Vaas: Wiley old dog, likes Chris Gayle
Thilan Thushara: Literally know nothing about this fella.
Rangana Herath: first class figures great, test, shit.
Muttiah Muralitharan: Highest wicket taker of all time.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Brian Lara, Cricket, hashim Amla, india, Neil Mackenzie, South Africa, suave, Virender Sehwag
“I say, capital innings, what?”
That phrase comes from Samir Chopra at Eye On Cricket.
It was a cracking innings, but it was played on a road. Fancy being a bowler in the subcontinent? Where innings regularly hit 500? No thank you very much….
Viru did very well, but he should have gone on to break Lara’s record. On that track Lara would have scored a eleventymillion runs. And that’s a fact!
What else happened this weekend? Nothing really, Amla scored more runs, Neil Mackenzie too. The result was utterly predictable, with a scoreboredraw thing.
Can’t we get groundsman (or as you wacky southern hemisphere types like to say, curators) to create pitches that do a bit for both?
Please for the love of god, no-one wants to see eleventythousand runs in a game, with no chances.. We need the bowlers involved too.
Fuckignwankyrunlovinggroundsmannobheads.
Suave has now moved into Suave Mansion II, and has just employed a team of Manilla tailors, to look after the Suave wardrobe.
So that’s nice.
In other cricket news, err there isn’t any.
I haven’t seen any cricket, and I don’t get Sky til the 12th April, so won’t be able to watch any.
Never fear though, I shall plagiarise others work, and pass it off as my own, in the meantime.
Only kidding,
No i’m not.
No I am.
Ha ha, had you there for a minute didn’t I?!
Filed under: Cricket, Photography | Tags: bad light stops play, Cricket, Photography
I’m away for the weekend now, as I have to move into my new palace.. You can’t expect the Suave leader of a banana republic to live any where but, can you?
So I’ll be busy for the whole weekend, with no internet access. More updates on Monday, until then have a great weekend, where ever you are.
In my absence, here’s a bit of art for you..
Photographer Jim Purbick
Also, I like this next photo.. Taken using a tilt-shift lens, it makes it appear to be a toy game..
Photographer Tim Norris
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: AB De Villiers, Anil Kumble, Ashwell Prince, Cricket, Dale Steyn, Greame Smith, Harbhajan Singh, hashim Amla, india, Jacques Kallis, Makhaya Ntini, Mark Boucher, Morne Morkel, MS Dhoni, Neil Mackenzie, Paul Harris, Rahul Dravid, RP Singh, Sachin tendulkar, Six Word Reviews, Sourav Ganguly, South Africa, Sree Sreesanth, Virender Sehwag, VVS Laxman, Wasim Jaffer
As yesterdays six word review of The England & New Zealand went down so well, I shall continue..
Today, I enter the realms of the subcontinent to poetically describe the Indians and South Africans.
South Africa
Greame Smith: Bear like opener, flat track bully
Neil Mackenzie: Shitting old fella, good on roads.
Hashim Amla: Bearded wonder Jrod hates to watch.
Jacques Kallis: Think of him having sex, disgusting!
Ashwell Prince: Boring c*nt, IPL didn’t want him.
A B De Villiers: God botherer, lives with evil Morkels.
Mark Boucher: Best keeper in world cricket? Maybe..
Morne Morkel: Sounds like a super villain, evil.
Paul Harris: Like Tufnell, marginally better with bat
Dale Steyn: Quick, makes bangladesh cry for mummy
Makhaya Ntini: Definitely not a rapist, no siree.
India
Virender Sehwag: Batshit batsman, smashes quicks for fun
Wasim Jaffer: Done by a jaffer, not again!!
Rahul Dravid: The Wall, like watching paint dry.
Sachin Tendulkar: Little Master likes Aussie attacks. Genius.
Sourav Ganguly: Lord Snooty. Up his own arse.
VVS Laxman: Graceful, batters aussies, everyone loves that!
Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Swashbuckling keeper, likes young lads, oooh!
Anil Kumble: Former official god, doesn’t turn it.
Harbhajan Singh: Mouthy twat, should concentrate on bowling!!
RP Singh: Suave looking, swings it both ways.
Sree Sreesanth: Mentalist, proper fucking loony. Bowl, Idiot!
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Cricket, dimitri mascheranas, retirement, Shane Warne
In news which I don’t think has surprised that many, Shane Warne has now retired from Hampshire CCC. He will only play cricket for Jaipur in the IPL, and his Jaipur/Hampshire team-mate DangerAnus (Dimitri Mascheranas) will take over as club captain.
Warne had this to say..
“My eight years involved with Hampshire have been a wonderful experience. Memories that will last with me forever and likewise the friendships that have been formed at the club,” Warne said.
“Unfortunately I am retiring from all first-class cricket but will participate in the IPL with the Jaipur franchise as captain and coach.
“This was not an easy decision to make but due to some exciting business opportunities and wanting to spend more time with my children, I had to make this call,” Warne, Hampshire’s captain since 2004, added.
“I was very lucky to have played with such a wonderful group of guys, thanks for the great times – thank you very much for your support and friendship.
“To all the fans that have turned up to watch Hampshire play, thank you very much for embracing me as one of you, and supporting me and the team, it meant a lot to me,”
So he’s given up first class cricket to sell hair products. Fat bastard.
Dimitri DangerAnus, their new captain (how the fuck did that happen? He’s gonna be missing for the start of the season at the IPLS and he doesn’t really play first class cricket, why the fuck would you pick him??) also gave a statement to the press….
“I hope to bring great success to the club and Hampshire supporters,” Mascarenhas said.
“It is a huge honour to be made captain of such a prestigious club, following in the footsteps of the likes of Colin Ingleby-Mackenzie, Mark Nicholas and the great Shane Warne.”
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Strauss, Brendan McCullum, chris martin, Cricket, Daniel Vettori, England, Grant Elliot, Ian Bell, james anderson, Jamie How, Jeetan Patel, Kevin Pietersen, Matthew Bell, Matthew Sinclair, Michael Vaughan, Monty Panesar, New Zealand, paul collingwood, Ross Taylor, Ryan Sidebottom, Stephen Fleming, stuart broad, Tim Ambrose, Tim Southee
After reading a great article here. I’ve decided to do a six word review of every player, from every test match nation.
I shall start, as is my wont, with the recently victorious The England, and their plucky opposition New Zealand
The England
Alastair Cook: Promises much, will he deliver soon?
Michael Vaughan: Michael Vaughan thinks Michael Vaughan’s wonderful. (can i get away with Vaughan’s? You Decide)
Andrew Strauss: Wing Commander needs to soar again.
Kevin Pietersen: Ever told you I am great?
Ian bell: Foreplay beautiful, intercourse over in seconds.
Paul Collingwood: Gritty northener, shovels to leg often.
Tim Ambrose: Australian wanky wicky, we shall see.
Stuart Broad: Boy band bowler, looks very good.
Ryan Sidebottom: Lion of Huddersfield likes to roar.
Jimmy Anderson: Hot wife, hot and cold bowling
Monty Panesar: Sikh of Tweak fields like spastic.
The Old Zealand
Matthew Bell: miss, swing, swing, miss, miss, out.
Jamie How: How indeed? better in ODI’s, shit.
Stephen Fleming: Plays wonderfully until fifty, then out.
Matthew Sinclair: Fuck I’m shit, Shoot me please
Ross Taylor: Did well, will get found out.
Grant Elliot: If test quality, god help us.
Brendan McCullum: Smash bang wallop, shit dropped it.
Daniel Vettori: Used to Bowl, now a batsman.
Tim Southee: Buck toothed young buck comes good.
Jeetan Patel: Bowl better than skipper, still dropped.
Chris Martin: Comical batting, used to have hair.
Coming tomorrow, India vs South Africa or West Indies vs Sri Lanka
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Chaminda Vaas, Chris Gayle, Cricket, Cricket With Balls, England, hashim Amla, india, IPL, New Zealand, South Africa
The test series in India is underway, and South Africa have been b0wled out for 540. What a surprise, another sub-continental flat track, with nothing at all in it for the bowlers. No seam, swing, spin or bounce. Wank I tell ya. Who would want to be a bowler on the subcontinent.
The nail in Dean Jones’ coffin (hooray!) scored an impressive 159. He would have gone on to much more, if he hadn’t been sold down the river by Mark Boucher. He never looked like getting out.
Darryl Cullinan had this to say about the young buck: “I said before this Test started that he would be the pick of the batsmen on both sides and I am anticipating a very good tour for Amla”
High praise indeed, although Jrod at Cricket With Balls is still less than impressed..
India in reply, are currently 35-0 from 6 overs. They are currently smashing Ntini and Steyn to all parts. You’d have to feel sorry for Paul Harris, he’s going to have to do an awful lot of work today.
Sri Lanka have won their first ever test in the West Indies. The West Indies nearly managed to save the game, but unfortuantely for Chris Gayle, he ran out of partners.
Jrod thinks that Chris Gayle is cooler than most, but I’m starting to change my mind about him.
He’s losing his bottle at the top of the order, and twice in the last few test matches has demoted himself down the order. Yesterday he did it, because he didn’t want to face Chaminda Vaas with the new ball.
“It’s no secret. Yes, he has got me out the majority of times in Test cricket whenever I play against Sri Lanka. It’s something you have to face and something you have to deal with. I tried something different, tried something new, coming a bit later when the ball is a bit older, and it worked. But I don’t know if I’m going to do it in the next game.”
He averages 16.3 against the Sirils, and 1.42 against Vaasy. That my friend is a bunny!
In other news, NZ’s administracats have allowed five of their squad, due to travel to The England, to miss the first two weeks of their warm-up tour, to play in the IPL.
Brilliant, because there’s nothing like getting used to swinging, damp conditions in The England in May, where the ball will be hooping round corners, by playing 20/20 cricket on fucking flat roads in India!!!
Stupid fuckers.
Filed under: Cricket | Tags: Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Andrew Strauss, Cricket, Dominic Cork, England, Ian Bell, jimmy anderson, Matthew Hoggard, Michael Vaughan, paul collingwood
Andrew Flintoff, one time worlds best all-rounder, is playing in UAE at the moment. He’s stated that his aim is being selected for the first test against NZ at Lords on 15th May.
The problem with Fred at present, is that’s he’s too inconsistent with the bat, to be a number six, and he’s too injury prone to be a full time third seamer.
If he gets overs under his belt, and is still taking wickets at pace, and a decent amount of time in the middle for Lancashire, then he should be welcomed back into the side.
Who does he replace though?
There is a strong argument to get rid of one of the under-performing top six, with many shit arses to choose from.
Cook is a knobhead, who can’t bash NZ trundlers. Although his youth should preserve him for the moment
Vaughan was fucking awful with the bat, and only has this next series to save his place. Dominic Cork is already talking about him being replaced. But then Corky always has been a rent-a-quote.
Struass still shouldn’t be overlooked, despite his career best 177. As they say, one swallow doth not a summer make!
Collingwood has the fight and character, without the technique of say Bell, but he can be called on to bowl a bit, is a great fighter, and manages playing with the tail beautifully.
Bell needs to have a good hard look at himself. He’s a wimp, who probably lacks self-esteem, which is why he can’t seem to impose himself on the opposition. He was probably smacked about a bit at school, for being small and ginger (not that I agree with this). He needs to develop a bit more of the old Napolean syndrome, like punter Ponting.
Or, do we go for a bowler.
At present, you’d have to say it can only be Jimmy Anderson who’s place is in real jeopardy after his hit and miss career.
He’s brilliant at times and pigshit for the rest of it..
This however, only appears to be a solution, if Fred can come back to full bowling capabilities. There’s also the chance that Hoggard or A N Other will have taken Jimmy’s place by the time the first test is here.
Personally, I would leave Fred out of the equation until SA turn up to play. That will give him the best chance to regain his batting form, get the overs necessary to prove that he can hack bowling for five days, and once again become the saviour of The English Cricket.
